life

Uncomfortable Commuter Can Simply Look Away

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 8th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm not a prude, but I am also not a fan of public displays of affection. Especially on the subway on the way to work where people are all crammed up next to each other anyway, it makes me uncomfortable to see couples who are all touchy-feely.

It was really bad this morning. There was a gay couple on the train who kept rubbing their hands up and down each other. It wasn't that they were touching inappropriately. It was just that I really didn't want to see two men loving each other up. I don't so much consider myself homophobic. I figure everybody should be able to live the way they want. I just don't necessarily want to see it. Am I horrible for feeling that way? -- Anti-PDA, Brooklyn, New York

Sex & GenderEtiquette & Ethics
life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 08, 2015

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 8th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ANTI-PDA: You have brought up more than one issue. Public displays of affection can be uncomfortable for others to watch, regardless of what gender the people are. At the same time, it is natural for people who are in love to touch each other. Oftentimes, they don't even realize that they are doing it. The best thing you can do in a situation where you are in eyesight of a couple being too touchy-feely for your taste is to cast your eyes in another direction or move. Then you don't have to see it.

As far as observing a gay couple sharing loving touches, do your best to recognize what you already know -- that they are no different from any other loving couple. I know there are plenty of people out there who remain insensitive and intolerant to same-sex couples. I implore you to treat people equally. You may not like what you see, but you can simply avert your gaze and, in turn, give everyone space to be who they are.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Crowdfunding Requests Overwhelm Reader

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 8th, 2015 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR HARRIETTE: Now that crowdfunding is so popular, I must get five to 10 requests for donations a week. It's totally overwhelming. It's much easier to pick generically from charities that send me requests at my house. But these tend to be coming from people I know. They make personal appeals. It feels more uncomfortable than people begging on the streets, in a way, maybe because it's so frequent. How can I choose to donate to some and say no to others without hurting people's feelings? And do I need to respond to the ones I reject? If so, I have to figure out ways to reach them other than their campaigns. -- Stop the Handouts, Chicago

DEAR STOP THE HANDOUTS: Just as with any other charitable request, you must use your discretion. It should start with your personal budget. How much money have you allocated for charitable contributions? Based upon that figure, you can then determine how many different charities you will select, and which ones. When you receive requests either outside your budget or outside your interests, it is perfectly fine for you to say no.

You do not have to track people down to apologize for not contributing. It is your choice.

life

Parents Veto Out-of-State Colleges

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 7th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a junior in high school, and I plan to go to college. I told my parents that I do not plan to go to college in state. I told them that I would prefer to go to school out of state. My mom and dad got upset with me because they feel like they would never see me. My mother really wants to see me go to a school that is closer to home, but I feel I should be able to choose where I want to go. I need help. What should I do? -- Distant Learner, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR DISTANT LEARNER: It is natural for parents to want to hold their children close at the very moment when they are about to leave home and begin to live on their own. This is an emotionally challenging time for parents, so be gentle with them as you figure out your next steps.

Also, who is paying for your college? If it is your parents, you should know that going to an in-state school is far more affordable than going out of state. They may be considering cost as well as emotional loss when they urge you to stay nearby.

If you have the financial resources through scholarships or financial aid to go to the school of your choice, you can make that decision. What you should do is talk to your parents about how you can stay connected to them via Skype, regular visits and phone calls.

Family & ParentingWork & School
life

Reader Wants To Help Teens Get Dressed For Prom

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 7th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: It is prom season, and I would like to create a program to donate clothes to young people who may not be able to afford a gown or a tuxedo. I would like to make this happen this year. However, I would like to take my time to plan this out accordingly for next year. How can I help young people this year as I plan the business for the future? I know so many people with hardly worn evening gowns that are just sitting around. -- Getting Dressed, Cincinnati

DEAR GETTING DRESSED: Why not start by asking your friends if they would be willing to lend dresses this year with the promise of renting next year? Talk to a school that you know and find out if you can use a classroom to set up as a "store" where students can come and "shop" for a prom dress. Test the waters and see how popular the idea is for these students. Make sure that you do charge a cleaning fee for the clothing so that you can return it in pristine condition.

If your test works, use the time between now and next prom season to set yourself up as a business, secure the dresses you want to offer, establish price points, create marketing materials and open up for business. Good luck!

Work & SchoolTeensMoney
life

Houseguest Leaves Awkward Reminder of His Stay

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 6th, 2015 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband is ill, and a distant family member from out of state decided to pay us a visit. It was nice to see my husband's cousin because he was able to lift my husband's spirits in this time of need. A few months after our guest visited our home, we discovered we had bedbugs. I called the exterminator: He went to the guest room and confirmed how long we have had them. I am thinking there is a strong possibility that we got them from our houseguest. (We rarely have guests these days, and he was the only sleepover guest in a few years.)

It has been a nightmare around here for close to a year trying to get rid of them, and I think we have seen the last of them. Now my cousin wants to visit us in the next two months. What can we say or do to prevent this from happening again without offending anyone? -- Bedbugs Do Bite, Milwaukee

DEAR BEDBUGS DO BITE: What an awkward situation! In times like these, it's often best to be thoughtfully direct. Get your cousin on the phone and tell him that you have a very uncomfortable topic to broach with him. Ask him if his home has bedbugs. Explain that the reason you are asking is because shortly after he visited your home last year, you discovered an infestation in the guest room where he slept. Add that no one else has slept in that room for years.

Acknowledge how awkward this discussion is, and point out that thousands of people have reported getting bedbugs in recent years. Tell him that you need to know because you are concerned about getting them again since it took a year to get rid of them.

If he acts insulted, apologize for making him feel uncomfortable. If he says he has had them, do your best not to let him sleep at your house (or bring his luggage there). If he swears it wasn't him, invite him at your own risk. Ask your exterminator if there's anything preventative you can do to kill bedbugs before they become a problem.

Family & ParentingHealth & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Eloping May Be Best Choice For Couple

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 6th, 2015 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiance and I are in a long-distance military relationship. We have discussed eloping to Las Vegas so I can move to be with him. My father is not enthusiastic about it. He would like to be there for my wedding, but my fiance comes from a large family. Eloping would be our way of not excluding anyone. I feel guilty for wanting this to be just the two of us. Should I plan a small wedding for my father's sake or have a reception when we get back from Las Vegas? -- Let's Get Married Today! Brooklyn, New York

DEAR LET'S GET MARRIED TODAY!: You and your fiance have to make a plan that works for you and, to the best of your ability, for both families. Is there a way that you can have a very small wedding with both sets of parents only and a party for everyone later? If not, explain to your father your decision for eloping and ask him to host the reception so that he will be central in the unveiling of the couple.

Marriage & DivorceLove & DatingEtiquette & EthicsFamily & Parenting

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