DEAR HARRIETTE: My 15-year-old son just told me that he is gay. I kind of suspected it, but that's completely different from actually dealing with it. I totally support my son to become whatever he is to be, but I have no idea of how to help him through what will surely be some tough times. For starters, I know my husband is going to freak out. He is West Indian and stereotypically homophobic. My son will need his father to have his back. And then there are the extended family members. I need help in order to help him. -- Standing by His Side, Chicago

DEAR STANDING BY HIS SIDE: Begin by simply and completely being there for your son. Let him tell you about his feelings, what prompted him to talk about it now, and any experiences that he would like to share with you. Be a great listener. That means biting your tongue when you feel like inserting comments or judgments. Be an active listener.

When he asks for your advice, start with your basic values about sexual activity at his age. Regardless of sexual orientation, you surely have guidelines for what you recommend. Remind your son of these guidelines, as they should protect him.

As far as your husband and extended family go, take it one day at a time. Agree with your son about who will break the news to his dad. If he wants to have the conversation, offer to stand by his side. Afterward, talk to your husband about the importance of supporting your son even though it's difficult. For other family members, do not tell them until your son is ready. Meanwhile, help him to build a support network of people who will help him to come in to his own responsibly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In this day and age, do you think that handwritten thank-you notes matter? So many people send communication via email, from invitations to thank-you notes, that sometimes I feel like the old-fashioned way is obsolete. Trust me, my children feel that way. Even for their grandmother who is not online, it is hard to get them to send a note. How can I get them to go old-fashioned at least for people who are not using email? -- Good Manners, Washington, D.C.

DEAR GOOD MANNERS: Teach by example. Sit down with your children and help them write notes to their grandmother and anyone else you want them to send a note of acknowledgment. When you receive gifts or have other reasons to send a note, make sure that your children witness you receiving the item and then taking the time to write, address and mail the note of gratitude. You can have them walk with you to the mailbox or to the post office to buy stamps. You may even want to take them to card stores to help you pick out cards for various occasions. This may inspire them to get into the whole experience of the cycle of gratitude with more enthusiasm.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of my teenage daughter has a lot of acne on her face. She seems to be in pain sometimes. We can tell because she picks at her face. My daughter told me that her mother complained that she is not using the acne cleanser that was prescribed for her. On top of that, my daughter says she thinks the real reason the acne is so bad is that her friend eats terribly. I have seen that she eats a lot of fried foods. Generally, I think her preferences are for white foods, like French fries and fried chicken nuggets and stuff like that. My daughter is worried about her friend and asked me if I could say anything to her or her mom about the effect that fried food has on the skin. I am reluctant to do that. Getting into people's business about their health and appearance can be tricky. How can I support my daughter without crossing that family's personal boundaries? -- Zit Phobia, Charlotte, North Carolina

DEAR ZIT PHOBIA: What you can do is talk to your daughter about healthy choices that she should make for her own body and skin. Encourage her to continue to eat healthy, clean food and to drink lots of water. Point out, too, that some people get acne even when they do eat well, because acne is in part a result of hormonal changes in the body that occur regardless of diet.

As far as her friend goes, tell her that you appreciate how much she wants to help her friend, but that this is not your business. Instead of looking at her friend in judgment, what she can do is subtly invite her to get some broccoli when they are getting food instead of going for the fries. Otherwise, encourage her to mind her own business. Perhaps her example of being a conscientious eater will rub off on her friend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A former colleague looked me up recently and sent me an email saying that she was coming to town and would like to get together. I have to say I was taken aback at first. We were never friends, and I don't know that I want to see her. What I remember of our work relationship is that it was contentious. Part of me is curious as to why she wants to get together. But more, I have a busy life. I'm not sure I want to interrupt it to welcome her back in when she didn't behave well the first go-round. What should I do? -- Unwelcome Colleague, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR UNWELCOME COLLEAGUE: Rather than blowing her off completely, consider emailing her back to ask what she's coming in town to do and why she wants to get together. Yes, that can seem abrupt, but since you don't have the precedent of a friendly relationship, you might as well get clued in as to what her interests are.

If she keeps it vague, saying she just wants to catch up, you can tell her that's very nice, but you really don't have time right now. Your schedule is overbooked. If she wants something specific, this may get her to reveal the truth before she arrives. You can take it from there.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Tooth decay runs in my family. Nearly everybody who got to be 40 has ended up with dentures. I am the first one to retain most of my teeth. I have had a bunch of dental procedures, but so far, no dentures. I mention this because I have two children who have inherited poor dental habits even though I have been vigilant about my own teeth. I don't know what to do to get them to understand the repercussions if they do not start practicing better dental hygiene. -- Clean Mouth, Denver

DEAR CLEAN MOUTH: If you live near any of your family members and are close to them, ask them to help you out by coming over -- together, preferably -- and doing a reveal of their mouths. Ask them to show your children what happens when you don't take care of your teeth. That kind of "scared straight" approach has awakened people to the potential downside of poor habits.

Shy of agreement from your family on this, you can go online and show your children countless examples of photos of people with poor dental hygiene and the erosive results. You can also take away privileges if they refuse to brush and floss their teeth. Don't give up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: What is the right age to let girls wear makeup? I have a daughter in the fifth grade. Most of the girls are 10 and 11 years old. They are just beginning to take an interest in beauty. One of the girls has come to school a few times wearing lipstick -- not lip gloss. It was bright red. I thought it was inappropriate for her age. Obviously, she's not my child, but I am concerned about my daughter getting the wrong impression of what is right for her age. I don't want to speak poorly about this girl, but at the same time I want my daughter to be clear on what I think is appropriate. I currently allow her to wear colorless lip gloss, and that's it. She seems to be happy with that. -- Setting the Standards, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR SETTING THE STANDARDS: If your daughter is clear about the guidelines that you have set for her -- for now -- there is no reason for you to mention the girl with the lipstick at all. If your daughter brings it up, you can tell her that you do not approve of lipstick for children her age, but that you do understand that different families may have different values.

You may want to outline for yourself what your daughter will be allowed when she is 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16. This should include wearing makeup, wearing heels and dating. You have entered the space of puberty, and your daughter will benefit from understanding your expectations as she grows up. You don't need to tell her everything right now, but it is wise for you to think about the next few years so that you are ready when she asks the questions.