DEAR HARRIETTE: I just turned 40, and I am having a bit of a hard time with this aging process. Almost to the day, I found out that I need reading glasses. I feel like my bones ache. I know this probably sounds silly or overly self-conscious or something, but I'm worried that now that I have reached this age, everything is falling apart. My life isn't at all as I had imagined it, that's for sure. I am not married. I do not have kids. I have an OK job, but that's not what I thought my life would be like when I was dreaming it up as a little girl. How can I be comfortable in my skin at this point? Please don't suggest that I take a class or anything corny like that. I just want to feel like my life still matters. -- Over the Hill, Detroit

DEAR OVER THE HILL: On the one hand, it is wise to assess your life at key moments. Turning 40 is one of them, for sure. Be kind to yourself in the process, though. Yes, the body changes as we age. Even more, our goals and dreams often don't match our accomplishments. That doesn't mean that your life is a wash. Step back and consider what you have done that makes you feel proud. Write it down so that you have tangible evidence of what your life means to you. If you also notice things that you want to change or do differently in the future, embrace those, too.

I found turning 40 to be empowering because I really felt like I was getting to know myself better. Instead of licking your wounds, choose to see your life up to now as a personal accomplishment. Then look to the future with conviction. You can be your best self. It's up to you what that means.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Two of my closest friends are moving away soon. When I say away, I mean really far. They are going to different countries. One friend's husband had been out of work for three years when he got an offer in the Middle East. He did the research, and it seems safe for the family. Given the bills they have with kids and all, they decided this was a smart move. The other got an offer in her field of interest, one she had never even thought about, and she decided to go for it. I am so happy for them. But I am sad for me. I used to talk to these women all the time and spend time with them on a regular basis. I feel like my network of support is slipping away. I doubt that I will be able to visit them. It is really expensive to travel internationally. In a way, I feel abandoned. What can I do to survive the departure of my friends? -- Alone, Cincinnati

DEAR ALONE: Instead of feeling left behind, do some research. How do you know it costs too much to visit your friends? Find out what the ticket price is, and start saving now. Maybe you make a trip once a year or every other year to visit them. Thanks to the Internet, you can stay connected in the here and now, even when they move. Will life be different? Yes, but you don't have to lose your friends.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My uncle has asked me to join his business as a consultant, and I am a bit hesitant with the idea because I am afraid that he would not be able to pay me what I am worth. Every time I talk to him, he always finds a way to squeeze in a question or two about his business and his marketing plans, and I become sick from talking to him. I love my uncle, but I need to tell him my true feelings about working with him without hurting him in the process. -- Family Business, Chicago

DEAR FAMILY BUSINESS: Step back for a moment and consider your uncle's proposal from a business perspective. As a consultant, what would you charge as an hourly or weekly wage? Outline in writing the services that you would be willing to offer to your uncle with a menu of prices for them. Indicate how much time you can dedicate to working with him. And be clear on work time versus family time. Tell your uncle that the only way that you will feel comfortable working with him is if the relationship is approached professionally.

Make it clear to him that you love and respect him, but that you are a little reluctant about working with him unless you can map out a professional plan that will honor both of you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am recently divorced, and my 13-year-old son lives with me. His father comes by on the weekends to spend time with our son. My ex takes him shopping every week, and he purchases the most expensive items that a young man of his age should not own. Over the past five weeks, my ex-husband purchased five pairs of the latest Nikes, and then he proceeded to go to a high-end fashion store to purchase a belt for our son. This made me furious, because the belt cost $250! My ex is spoiling our son, and it has given him a false sense of security. With all these expensive gifts, I believe my son could be a potential target. How can I tell my ex-husband to tone it down with the lavish gifts because I need him to be a father to his son? -- Can't Buy Me Love, New York City

DEAR CAN'T BUY ME LOVE: This is an awful and common predicament when families break up. Your job as the mother is to develop a rapport with your ex-husband that best supports your son's growth and development. Ask your ex to have a family meeting. Without judgment in your voice, ask him if you two can work together to establish ground rules for your son. Even though you two didn't work out as a couple, you want to make sure that you work as parents.

Point out to him that giving your son such lavish gifts could be sending the wrong message to him about values. More important, it could also make him vulnerable to other kids who could want to steal from him. Suggest that he resist the expensive gifts for now and simply spend time with his son.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cellphone rang, and I answered it. The call came from a friend of mine -- I saw it on my caller ID. When I answered, I could hear her in the background, but I guess it was what people call a "butt dial" because she never came to the phone. I listened for a while and called out to see if I could get her attention. What I heard was disturbing. I'm not quite sure who she was talking to, but most of her conversation was badmouthing one of our mutual friends. Well, I'm not sure if this woman considers her a friend now after everything I heard. I was shocked at how vicious her words were. I feel like I should say something to her about what I heard. I was really upset hearing the horrible things she had to say. How can I go about this? -- What I Overheard, Dallas

DEAR WHAT I OVERHEARD: This is a tricky one. Before you call your friend, think about what you hope to accomplish. Yes, you can tell your friend that you overheard her commentary about your mutual friend and that it disturbed you. But what do you want to hear from her? Obviously, she meant it if she said it. Do you want to know why she feels this way about your friend? Who she was talking to? What she feels about you?

Get straight what your objective is so that you can be clear going in. If you mainly want your friend to know that it upset you to hear her speaking so negatively about this woman, you can say that. You can also ask that she never speak that way about you. Tell her that if she ever has issues with you, you hope she would bring them directly to you.

What you should not do is go to the other friend to report on this woman's rant. All that would do is to hurt feelings. The exception would be if this woman said things that could seriously hurt the other friend's reputation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My neighbor's son was arrested recently, and I'm pretty sure he is going to prison. The word is that he committed a serious crime. I feel so sorry for my neighbor. She hasn't mentioned a thing to me about it, even though we speak fairly regularly. I want to be there to support her, but I don't want to get in her business. How can I help her? -- Being a Friend, Jacksonville, Florida

DEAR BEING A FRIEND: Without asking her anything about her son, you can contact her and just check in. If you two generally talk to each other, make this overture like any other. Ask her if she would like to get together.

Let her do the talking. If she brings up her son, listen to see what she has to say. Ask her how you can be of support to her during this time. If she does not mention him, simply ask her how she's doing. If she reveals nothing, do not press her. Just be available to listen if she chooses to tell you what's happening in her life.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)