DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my best friends wants to get a tummy tuck, and she is intent upon doing it this spring. Being someone who has had a lot of non-elective surgery, I am reluctant to even consider going under the knife when it isn't needed. Naturally, I think this is a horrible idea. But another reason I don't like it at all is that my friend is overweight. We don't talk about that so much, but I just don't see how she thinks that getting belly fat cut out is going to solve her problems. Everything I have read suggests that the fat will just fill right back in if you don't actually lose weight. Should I say this to her or just step aside and let her do what she wants? -- Having Her Back, Chicago

DEAR HAVING HER BACK: Your personal concerns about elective surgery aside, you do have a point about the lasting effects of a tummy tuck when a person is overweight. My research suggests that anyone with a body mass index above 30 should not consider this type of surgery. Chances are her surgeon has told her the same thing. Yet many women who are slightly overweight get this surgery on a regular basis. While it does not make them slim, it can flatten out their bellies.

My recommendation would be to step aside. Your friend is working with a doctor who should know the parameters for safely conducting this surgery. You should address the issue only if your friend asks your opinion. Otherwise, just be there to support her recovery should she need it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: When I was growing up, my mom taught me how to cook at a very early age. My husband is reluctant to let me teach my 8-year-old how to cook because he's worried she will cut herself or burn the kitchen. Obviously, we need to have guidelines, including always having adult supervision during cooking, but I want to get started now. How can I assure my husband that we will be careful? -- Ready to Cook, Tallahassee, Florida

DEAR READY TO COOK: You can get child-size kitchen tools that are made for smaller hands and that have safety features built in. You can also set up kitchen rules with your daughter that outline what she is allowed to do. You may want to invite your husband to join you two in the kitchen so that he can observe how you will work together.

Your husband is not wrong in being cautious about your daughter using knives and heat. Assure him that you will teach her how to be safe in the kitchen. Many children begin to learn how to help out in the kitchen and ultimately become competent cooks when they start young. You just have to make sure that you take one step at a time, introducing more challenging skills as your daughter grows up.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a 13-year-old son. I admit that my husband and I are very strict with him about lots of things, including what he watches on TV and what movies he views. I learned that some of his friends routinely get to watch R-rated movies -- either because their parents are lenient or because their parents have given them no restrictions on what they watch on TV. When I learned that, I decided not to let my son go over their houses anymore. I want to limit what he sees, at least for now. Routinely, when he asks me if he can see a movie that is rated R, I automatically say no. I'm wondering if I should amend that. I don't want him to start ignoring me, even though I do think these other parents are making it harder for me to keep up my standards. -- Drawing the Line, Jackson, Missippi

DEAR DRAWING THE LINE: Movies have ratings for a reason. You are not wrong with your rule that your teenage son should be limited to age-appropriate viewing material. That said, it may be true -- in some instances -- that the reason that a movie receives that rating is due to factors that may not be too offensive or inappropriate for some children his age. You have to view the movies first to see if you think your son would be comfortable watching them.

I recommend you do this even if your intention is not to have him watch the popular movies of the season. Why? Because there's a very good chance that he will see some of them or at least hear about them among his peers.

Your job as a parent is to help your son interpret the information that is coming at him through your family's values. Whatever you allow him to watch, make sure that you have an open dialogue about the events and cultural content that cross his life. It will be in those talks that you can assure that he is on the right track.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I believe in thank-you notes. I'm having a hard time convincing my children that they are important. When they receive presents from people, I tell them that they should write a note immediately to express their gratitude. Half the time they do nothing. How can I get them to be more responsible? -- Enforcing Good Manners, Los Angeles

DEAR ENFORCING GOOD MANNERS: While you don't want to run the risk of making good manners seem like a punishment, you may have to enforce a kind of punishment to get your children to fall in order. Tell them that they cannot use the item they've been given until they write the note. You may have to extend the penalty to no use of electronics if they remain lackadaisical.

Another approach that may open their eyes is to point out that someone thought about them enough to buy or make them a gift and give it to them. That thoughtfulness is special and deserving of acknowledgment. Sit with your children and help them get the notes written. If they see you doing it, the practice may rub off on them.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister who is extremely private. When we talk on the phone, invariably she turns the conversation back to me, rarely revealing anything about herself. We live in different cities, so we don't see each other often. I am coming to her city in the summer and asked her if we could get together during that visit. I didn't dare ask her if I could spend the night. She has never invited me to visit her at her home, not even once. I love my sister and want to be there for her, but I feel like she shuts me out at every turn. How can I get her to open up? -- Let Me In, Detroit

DEAR LET ME IN: You and your sister have different desires. Given that it sounds like you are both adults, you should accept her for who she is and how she includes you in her life. She sounds pretty masterful at keeping you at arm's length. It is likely that she will recoil if you keep pushing.

When you come to town, invite her to join you for a meal or some other type of get-together. Choose to enjoy her company to the extent that she offers it. Being able to accept people for who they are without trying to change them is a great gift that you can offer to your sister and yourself.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My cousin lives in the Caribbean with her family. (My father's people are from there.) She and I are pretty close, so we've been emailing back and forth all winter. Normally she is very friendly and thoughtful, but for whatever reason, this year she got kind of mean with her commentary about the weather. While we were having the worst snow and cold that you could imagine, she was having sunshine and 80-degree temperatures. That's not news, but more it's the way she rubbed it in. I'm thinking she really didn't know how bad it was for my family. We had a few power outages. We had so many missed days at school that the family couldn't have any kind of vacation time off. It has been miserable. I don't mean to be a complainer, but I really want my cousin to know that she was horribly insensitive to us, and I don't appreciate it. Am I being too sensitive? -- Deep Freeze, Boston

DEAR DEEP FREEZE: You are probably being overly sensitive, though it seems justifiable under the circumstances. Your town got the lion's share of the bad weather this season, and you have every reason to be smarting from that reality, even now. It would have been nice for your Caribbean cousin to be mindful of your situation, but there's a good chance she doesn't have a clear sense of how bad it has been.

Rather than scolding her in expletives or extremes of any kind, send her a sincere note telling her that this has been an extremely difficult time for you. Describe some of the challenges that you have faced. Tell her that her ribbing you about the weather wasn't fun. Tell her it hurt your feelings that she wasn't more thoughtful.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)