DEAR READERS: I lost one of my very dearest friends recently. She suffered what seemed a short yet agonizing illness, and then she was gone. I know that many of you have experienced the loss of a family member or loved one, and so you know the ache that can rest in the pit of your stomach, that can throb in the beating of your heart. I now know that feeling, and it is haunting.

I share my story with you not because of how raw it remains, but because of what I have learned thus far that may be useful to you. My friend and I did the race to the finish line to ensure that all of her paperwork was in order. A woman whose life partner had passed years ago and who did not have children, my friend had not thought about the end of her life. She had no power of attorney, no health care proxy and no will. She did have significant financial resources. In her final days, which came far too soon, she asked me to help her get her proverbial house in order. And we did.

As I have asked many of my friends about their end-of-life management, I have been shocked to learn that literally nine out of 10 people I asked were in my friend's position: no written, legally binding plan stating their intentions for their possessions or even their bodies upon death.

We don't think about that uncomfortable topic too often. Death. It seems that we avoid the thought of it, at least as it relates to ourselves, with all the power within us. This is equal-opportunity neglect, by the way. From married people with children to grandparents and singles, many of us, likely most, are not ready for our transition.

Here's what happens when you aren't ready: No one knows whether you want to be buried or cremated. No one knows who should get what of our belongings. Family members fight over anything -- it was handkerchiefs in my family one time -- because they can't have their loved one back. Lawyers and courts squabble over what's left, and your loved ones end up with little to nothing -- even if you started off with a hefty inheritance for them.

Do not let this happen. My friend and I were lucky. We got her paperwork in order, though it was harrowing to do so as she lay on her deathbed. Take the time to be conscious and intentional about how you want your legacy to be defined. You are responsible for setting that up. A few simple steps handled now, no matter what your age, can make the difference between leaving your estate (regardless of how small or large) in order or in a complete mess. How do you want to be remembered? Set yourself up so that your desire can manifest.

Clear any impediments that you can so that your loved ones can grieve without the burden of scrambling to settle your affairs. That's the legacy I intend to leave. How about you?

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for about one year now. We first met during freshman year of college but started dating our senior year. We now live together, and both have good jobs in Atlanta.

She asked could she go with her girlfriends to New York for NBA All-Star Weekend. Although I had some doubts, I convinced myself that it would be OK because I trust her. However, when she got back, things seemed a little backward with her. So I began to ask about her experience, and she acted as if everything was fine. Looking at some of her Instagram photographs, I noticed she had met a lot of celebrities, but I knew that would be the norm for that type of weekend. I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I think my girlfriend may have cheated on me while in New York. Any thoughts? -- Questioning Her Actions, Atlanta

DEAR QUESTIONING HER ACTIONS: Face to face, confront your girlfriend about your suspicions. Stay calm as you talk. Tell her that ever since she returned from All-Star Weekend, something has been off in her behavior. Ask her what happened that affected her. Give her a chance to talk. If it seems like she is hedging or lying, ask her point blank if she cheated on you. Tell her you hope it isn't true, but that her behavior suggests otherwise.

Ultimately, you two are going to have to talk this out. Discuss the boundaries in your relationship. You are both young and may want to have other experiences over time. Do not make assumptions. Talk about your values and desires. Agree on what you will do in the future if either of you decides you want to see someone else.

DEAR HARRIETTE: The economy finally seems to be picking up when it comes to business revenue. However, I recently got laid off from my job just before the turn of the season. Recently, I've been interviewing for a couple of jobs, and it seems that I will have some solid options. This is great news because I am eager to get back to work. However, I am nervous because I don't want to choose the job that would put me back into a position where I could easily be fired again as a young employee. I want to allow this layoff to be a sign that I need to work in what interests me most and gives me the most leverage. My question to you is, how will I know which job opportunity is right for me? -- Starting Out, Anchorage, Alaska

DEAR STARTING OUT: It is wise to evaluate what went wrong with your most recent job as you prepare for the next. If you did not have a discussion with your employer about the circumstances of your layoff, double back to him or her and ask. Frame your question by letting your former boss know that you want to improve yourself for the next job. Use that input along with a laser-sharp focus on the job search to help you find a job that works for you. You may not find your dream job right away, but clarity will help you enjoy success on your journey. Doing excellent work creates job security, even for young or new employees.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter has attended various anti-drug lectures at her school, and she believes that marijuana is an illegal drug that is bad for you. I am lost for words on how to explain to her that pot is no longer "that bad," because 23 states have approved the medical use, while four states have okayed the recreational use of marijuana. Do you have any suggestions on how I can tell my daughter that some people partake of it in a responsible manner? -- Up in Smoke, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR UP IN SMOKE: Slow down. While marijuana has been recognized for its medicinal purposes, which is great, there is no good reason for you to encourage your daughter to smoke it. It remains a mind-altering substance, not necessarily something you want your child to do. In terms of legality, it is still largely illegal for recreational use. Yes, those laws are changing, but where you live, it is still against the law.

More, though, is the reality that smoking anything is not a recommended choice for anyone, especially a child. You can encourage your daughter not to be judgmental of others' choices. You can explain to her that there are legitimate health reasons for people to use marijuana. You can add that the laws are relaxing for recreational use. This is a good conversation in terms of perspective as it relates to what unlawful activities receive what types of sentences. Many people believe that the sentences for possession of small amounts of marijuana are too high. This is a complicated topic that deserves ongoing discussion with your daughter. Yes, you can tell her that it is the right thing for some people to do. I recommend that, at the same time, you have this discussion without encouraging her to consume.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have two aunts who were both married for quite some time and by some strange twist of fate, both of their husbands passed away 15 years ago. To my amazement, my aunts are proud to be called widows. I do not think they are interested in dating again, but I look forward to the day when my aunts can find love once again. How can I convince my aunts that dating is a good thing? -- Auntie Love, Queens, New York

DEAR AUNTIE LOVE: Sometimes when people have enjoyed a full life of love with a partner, they have no need or desire for more. Many widows are completely content to live their lives solo, enjoying their friends and family without a partner. If this is what your aunts are telling you, believe them. Instead of trying to convince them to date, encourage them to make their days count. Pay attention to how they spend their time. If they aren't particularly active, encourage them to take a class, join a book club, become a docent at a museum, participate in more church activities, etc.

The bonus in getting them out and about will allow them to meet new people. If a suitor comes along, who knows if they may decide to change their minds about dating!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)