DEAR HARRIETTE: I am an alcoholic. I started drinking heavily in my fraternity days in college, and I haven't stopped. It wrecked my grades, and I had to drop out of school. Drinking has had a negative impact on my life, and I want to change it. I don't want to do Alcoholics Anonymous because I've been, and it just made me want to drink more. Nor do I think rehab is the way to go.

I want to turn my life around and finish my degree to get a better job. What can I do to change my ways? -- Ready to Change, Flint, Mich.

DEAR READY TO CHANGE: Congratulations on realizing that you need to change your life. Awareness is the key to your success in kicking this addiction. You need to get help.

Start by going to your internist and getting a physical to check on your overall health. Ask your doctor to recommend a method of detoxification that may work for you. Options include going to a therapist who specializes in drug and alcohol addiction. Many alcoholics do one-on-one therapy like this or attend group therapy with a professional counselor. If you have insurance, it may help pay for counseling.

Your doctor also may suggest that you reconsider the options you say you have ruled out. Although you didn't like Alcoholics Anonymous in the past, you may want to revisit it. There are many AA meetings, so you may be able to find a different one that is more suited to you. AA is free and you can go every day, which has proved helpful for people who are trying to kick this insidious habit.

DEAR HARRIETTE: At an event, I spoke to a woman who immediately asked if I remembered her. Her face was familiar, but I didn't really know who she was. She kept insisting, and finally I had to tell her I wasn't sure. She went on to tell me that I never remember her, and it was obvious her feelings were hurt. That wasn't my intention at all.

What else could I have done? And do you think it's right for people to ask if you remember them? I feel like they're setting themselves up for a letdown. -- Embarrassed, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Usually a friendly greeting is enough to satisfy people when you see them. What people want most is to be acknowledged. Of course, it's best to state the person's name if you know it. But if you don't and you are asked that question, you could say, "I know your face but don't remember why. Will you remind me?" Then it's on the other person to fill in the blanks.

I would strongly advise against asking someone if he or she remembers you, though. Instead, you could help out the person by saying your name and adding something like, "I met you last year at X event," or whatever the reminder might be. That way, you reinforce your connection rather than create discomfort.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently had a heart-to-heart with my 80-year-old cousin. She never married but seemed to have a good life. I wanted to know why she never got married. She's attractive. She is smart. She has good manners. I figured she would have had suitors back then who would have loved to be with her.

She told me she had fallen in love when she was in her 20s, but the man didn't want to marry her. Because her heart was with him, she didn't think it would be right to marry somebody else. She teared up a little as she told me, but she said she thought she made the right decision.

I felt really sad for her. I also wondered if I will ever meet "the one." What if I don't find somebody I'm head-over-heels for? Should I stay single forever? -- Spinster in Training, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR SPINSTER IN TRAINING: Your cousin shared her truth with you. If she wholeheartedly believes that her heart was locked with that man, then she is right to not try to force herself to love someone else. She may not have felt capable of loving someone else fully.

Is that sad? I think so, because it's likely your cousin has a lot of love that she could have shared with someone who would have shared his love with her.

Please remember that you are not your cousin. She told you her story. Now you have to figure out your own.

You will have to assess whether you have found "the one" with whom you can build a life. It's wise to actually write down a list of the character traits you admire in a partner. Be as clear as you can about what inspires and motivates you. Then, as you meet potential suitors, you may have a better chance of noticing someone who is a perfect match for you.

Stop worrying about your cousin's story. She chose to live her life in a particular way. Now it's time for you to make your own choices.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father died 10 years ago. Every year, my mother wants the family to make a pilgrimage to visit his grave. I rarely go. She is insistent this year because it's the 10th anniversary of his death. I hate cemeteries. Do I have to go? -- Creeped Out, Cincinnati

DEAR CREEPED OUT: Your mother would be thrilled to have you at her side. Participate in the pilgrimage for her sake. And, if you can, share a memory of your father that will make your family remember him with love. They all will appreciate your presence.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A co-worker told me in confidence that she plans to call in sick to work so she can purchase tickets for an upcoming concert. Every time someone calls in sick, our individual workload increases. I'm wondering if I should tell my manager the truth. -- Potential Whistle Blower, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR WHISTLE BLOWER: Going to the manager about this seems extreme. Instead of helping, it is likely to create negativity in the workplace for you and your co-worker.

If you feel so strongly that she is compromising your workday or that of your other co-workers, tell her directly. You can say that you understand how excited she is about the concert but that you hope she understands how much of a hardship her absence will be on the team. You can tell her that you will cover for her during her time off and that you hope she will do the same when someone else, you included, needs a little break. You will have her back so long as she doesn't make this a practice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have been in a contentious relationship for several years. Our son is going away for a week, and I'm freaking out. I'm sure my husband will want to be intimate with me, and that hasn't happened for years. I feel completely inept when it comes to that. It ended years ago when we were arguing all the time. I know it will come up. I'm not sure how to handle it.

My husband is a guy. I know he will be happy to "just do it," as the saying goes. But not me. Help! -- Frozen, Seattle

DEAR FROZEN: Unthaw enough to take control of the situation. Suggest activities outside of the house that could potentially spark tender feelings between the two of you. Go to a favorite restaurant, art gallery or a cultural event. Whatever you two have enjoyed as a couple in the past should be on your list.

Invite your husband to participate in these activities with you, and be honest. Tell him that you want to use the time when your son is away to rekindle tender feelings. If he immediately wants to skip past the foreplay to get to the end goal, slow him down.

Tell him that you realize you've been distant a long time and that the best way to get close again is to spend quality time in each other's company, so that you naturally begin to enjoy being together again.

If you are not ready to fully engage, tell him. Be sure to let him know what you are willing to do. Commit to enjoying the alone time with him.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)