DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine called from out of the blue, saying she was coming to town and asking if she could stay with me for a couple of weeks. Normally I might be OK with that, although it is an extended period of time. But my husband and I have been arguing ferociously of late, and I don't think it is wise to bring somebody into the middle of that. I wish I could say that we are working out our differences, but it doesn't feel like that. It feels like we are clawing at each other over every little thing. I have suggested counseling, but he isn't close to that yet. How can I say no to my friend without hurting her feelings and without saying too much about my marital dispute? -- Not Open for Business, Dallas

DEAR NOT OPEN FOR BUSINESS: Keep it concise when you talk to your friend. Apologize as you tell her that this is not a good time for your family to welcome guests, so you cannot invite her to stay with you. Let her know that if she does come to town, you hope to get together with her during her visit. If possible, meet her at a restaurant for dinner or drinks. Let her do the talking. This will help prevent you from slipping into conversation about your marital troubles.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a social the other day and ran into a guy who used to work with me about 10 years ago. I haven't seen him for a long time, but we used to be good friends back in the day. When he saw me, he immediately came over and we gave each other a hug. But then he started berating me for not being in touch with him. It got awkward -- fast. Neither of us has been in touch with the other in a long time. I chalk that up to life. For some reason, though, he was all bent out of shape by it. How could I have helped to make that situation easier to manage? -- Awkward Encounter, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR AWKWARD ENCOUNTER: What I have done in a similar situation is to remind the person of how wonderful it is to see him or her right now. I attempt to be in the moment. One time I had to shake the person's shoulders a bit and say, "Real friends just pick up where they left off. Can we do that?" That definitely got the person to stop complaining.

The goal in a situation like that is to snap the person into the present. All you have, after all, is the moment you are in. To the best of your ability, point that out. Be kind about it, too. Sometimes when we see long-lost loved ones, we can feel overcome with emotion and a bit of sorrow that so much time has passed. The best you can do in a situation like that is to genuinely offer your love and leave it at that.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my best friends is very sick, and I don't know what to do. I went to visit her the other day, and just looking at her, I could see that, shy of a miracle, she is not long for this world. She is such a private person that she hadn't let me know how bad it was. I want to be there to help her in any way that I can, but she really isn't letting me. She has no family here. She lives alone. I want to help her, whether it would be as an advocate with her doctors, to bring her some soup or even just to give her a hug. But she seems to prefer to be alone. How can I support my friend when she doesn't really want it? -- At My Wits' End, Detroit

DEAR AT MY WITS' END: I am so sorry to hear about your friend's illness. When loved ones fall ill, it affects not just them, but everyone who cares about them, as you are seeing. It is also their prerogative to deal with their illness however they choose. Some people welcome conversation about what's going on. Others clam up because they either don't want others around, or they can't deal with their reality themselves. Whatever your friend's case, it truly is up to her to decide if you can step closer into her world to help her.

Rather than being pushy, what you can do is call her daily to check in on her. You can ask her if she needs anything -- food, help with any paperwork that may need to be handled (often, people who are sick become delinquent with their bills) or a hug. She may say no a thousand times, but one time the answer may be yes. Be ready for that, and jump to it.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister who is very controlling. She thinks she is nice, but my experience of her is that she has to be in charge of every conversation, every activity -- just everything. That was OK when we were children, but we are both adults now. We don't live near each other anymore. When I go to her town, I always make it a point to visit with her -- again, on her terms. I can never get her to go to an event with me. We do what she wants. I'm tired of it. How can I break out of this cycle? -- Little Sis, Chicago

DEAR LITTLE SIS: Rather than trying to change her, why not accept her for who she is? That doesn't mean you have to do whatever she says. But if you realize that your sister is set in her ways, which includes being unsociable, it can help you to enjoy a controlled experience with her, followed by your exit. She may not be comfortable flowing from one activity to the next. This may be why she chooses to be mostly at home. Consider yourself blessed to be free of such constrictions. This will help you to be in and out of your sister's life without being sucked into her drama.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been going to a new hairdresser that is a lot more affordable than where I used to go. The people at this new place are so nice, but they don't do hair nearly as well as my old salon. I changed because my husband asked me to cut back on our expenses. This seemed like a natural place to cut. But when it comes to cutting -- no pun intended -- they really miss the mark. I have curly hair, and my last haircut ended up being seriously uneven when I washed it at home and blew it out straight. I don't know what to do. Like my mother used to say, you get what you pay for. But I really need a better cut. This is awkward. What should I do? -- Bad Hair Salon, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR BAD HAIR SALON: Start by contacting your salon and complaining about your haircut. Schedule an appointment for a free consultation where you show them your uneven cut, and ask for them to fix it. Based on the redo, you can decide if this salon has the ability to do an adequate job or if you have to move on. Be clear with them where you find their services challenging for you so that you give them clear guidelines on how to improve.

Know that there is more than one affordable salon in your town that should be able to service you. Get recommendations from people who have similar hair texture, and get a consultation at several prospective salons before you make a final choice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a Southern guy with pretty conservative values. I am also a frat boy, not in a bad way, more in the sense that girls like me and I have had my share of dates, let's say. My issue is that while I have had a number of sexual partners, I do not want to get serious with a woman who has been promiscuous. Call me old-fashioned, call me whatever you want, but I don't want a woman who has had a lot of partners being my girl. How can I make sure that doesn't happen? -- Principled, Atlanta

DEAR PRINCIPLED: This is what hypocrisy tastes like. Sorry, but you are asking to live a double standard -- proudly -- as you search for an untainted virgin, or as close to her as you can get.

It's perfectly normal to not want to have a partner who has been wildly promiscuous. This is true on both sides of the gender line, by the way. But it is unfair and biased to think that there's nothing wrong with you playing the field while your partner-to-be should have little or no experience at all. Practically speaking, the only way you are likely to find a nearly virginal partner is to select someone very young. If you find such a woman whom you truly love, devote yourself to her fully.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)