Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have recently been let go from my job's two-year training program, and it was totally unexpected. I had put in a lot of time, hard work and effort into that position, and I always felt like I had been undervalued. After graduating college, I realized the career path I had chosen was good for me, but the company and position made me miserable. I was working long hours, and I was not passionate about the work. I am trying to look at this as a blessing that I realized in my early 20s rather than my later years. On another note, even though I got fired, I have saved up enough funds to cover rent for a couple of months. Since I will be able to take care of rent, is it necessary that I tell my roommate that I got fired? -- Poised for Next, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR POISED FOR NEXT: Blessings do come in unusual packages. You should be grateful that you figured out what you don't want to do early in your career and that you have money saved to support yourself as you look for a job.

For integrity's sake, you should tell your roommate of your status and your intentions for getting a job. Lay out your reality clearly, so that you both know when you have to be employed before your ability to pay rent could be an issue. If you get near that point, discuss adding a roommate or moving out. Honesty really does work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. I have been committed to one guy for nearly three years; however, we have not been in an official relationship. I'm a junior in college, and I no longer want to continue our relationship without the title, even though everyone knows that we are involved. Not having an official title allows him to mess with another girl, and I don't want that. For the past two years, he hasn't been able to take me out for Valentine's Day for reasons beyond his control, but I really want it to happen this year. I've expressed my concerns and feelings to him, so I hope it happens. If he doesn't make us official or spend time with me for Valentine's Day, should I end things? -- Make a Decision, Chicago

DEAR MAKE A DECISION: I hope that you will not make a decision about the end of your relationship based on whether you had a date on Valentine's Day. That really isn't your issue.

You want to be in a committed relationship, and your boyfriend has not demonstrated that same desire. What day you go out to celebrate is far less important than the status of your bond. If you want more, you have to put your foot down and require it -- or move on. Since you already are in a relationship with a man who has chosen not to be exclusive and you have accepted that for two years, it may be hard to get him to change his ways at this point. You have to change -- and that probably means changing who you date.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am wondering what should I do if I no longer want to be friends with someone. I was friends with this girl who used to live in my dorm, and everyone (70 people) warned me that she is crazy. There had been drama, I guess, but I was abroad when it happened and I don't like to judge people based off other people's opinions, so I decided to give it a chance. We had a lot in common, but after a few months, I realized she is nuts. Not only that, but she uses crass and vulgar language, especially in mixed company, and she tries to act all tough and hard, often making comments to others we are with about how she used to date drug dealers. She can be rude at the flip of a switch. When one of my friends couldn't hang out with her, she sent my friend a long text message cursing her out. She also has the tendency to talk really openly about her boyfriend. I've met her boyfriend once, and they both would talk about how they cheated on each other or other explicit sexual things they do.

In essence, I don't think she is the type of person I want to be friends with, and she is not someone I want people to think I am associated with. This may seem mean, but she and her boyfriend act kind of like white trash, and I don't want to be bothered. Not to mention the fact that her boyfriend is this white guy who acts all hood and uses the N-word constantly to refer to his friends as a term of endearment, but I don't find it amusing.

How should I go about distancing myself from her? I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to be friends anymore. -- No Home Training, Boston

DEAR NO HOME TRAINING: To sever your relationship with this woman and her boyfriend gracefully, start by actually stopping your judgment of her. Stop thinking of her as crazy or of them as "white trash." Instead, acknowledge that you do not want to be friends with her anymore. Decide that you are prepared to walk away -- even if the short-term repercussions mean that she may talk about you. It doesn't matter what she or her boyfriend says about you. You know yourself.

You can simply stop contacting her, agreeing to hang out, talking to her on the phone, etc. Or you can wish her well as you tell her that you have decided to stop hanging out with the two of them. If she asks why, tell her that her behavior upsets you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend gave me a Valentine's gift, and I think he should have kept it. What a waste! He gave me what looks like something he could have gotten off the street. The chocolate box was dirty, and the flower wilted. Really? I didn't say anything, but I want to tell him that if he can't do better than that, why bother? What do you think? -- Bad Gift, Milwaukee

DEAR BAD GIFT: Zip your lips. He remembered. You can toss the chocolates and the flower, but don't rub it in his face that you don't like them. Appreciate the thought.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently attended a friend's housewarming, and the apartment was beautiful. There was a guy there I had previously seen in passing, and he seems like a cool person. During the housewarming party, he kept trying to entertain people and be the center of attention. He continued to brag about his many escapades with beautiful women and objectifying them. I'm not sure if the stories are true, but I definitely didn't think he would be interested in women, based on his mannerisms. And honestly, that's perfectly fine with me. I work in an industry with homosexual people, and I am all for people having their personal preferences. I think the storyteller guy was simply putting on a show, and I don't understand why people lie just to lie. Why do some people feel like they have to overcompensate when talking to other people? -- Putting Up a Front, Los Angeles

DEAR PUTTING UP A FRONT: Stop making assumptions about this man. While he could be homosexual and overcompensating by talking about engagements with women, he could also be telling the truth. Don't get caught up in his drama, which has absolutely nothing to do with you.

As you go through life, you are likely to notice plenty of people who crave being the center of attention. Sometimes these people tend to exaggerate their reality in order to draw others in. Other people actually do have fantastical stories that fill their lives. Whatever the case, do your best to observe without judgment. If you find people's behavior distasteful, walk away -- unless they are being rude to others whom you choose to defend.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm going on six months in a relationship with this guy, and I am enjoying my time with him. As an adult, this is my first serious relationship, so I'm still figuring out what I like when it comes to dating. My boyfriend and I get along very well, and our conversations are natural, nothing forced. However, one thing that seems to be forced is something he continues to mention in conversation. Whenever we have conversation about sex or anything remotely close, he hints or "wonders" about adding in another woman to our sex life. I don't know how I feel about this, and I don't know if this is something that people in long-term relationships do. I want to ask him about this and address why has he mentioned this on multiple occasions, but I don't want to approach it the wrong way. What should I do? -- Against a Trois, Cleveland

DEAR AGAINST A TROIS: Many people fantasize about bringing "excitement" into the bedroom. Pornography is filled with stories of intimacy between two women and one man. So it's not unusual that your male friend has thoughts about it.

It is also absolutely unnecessary for you go along with it. You can be firm in telling him no. If he wants to know why not, give him all of the reasons why you don't like the idea. This could be a deal breaker that you should be prepared to accept.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)