DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who likes me a lot and who is also a colleague. She hires me frequently to work on her productions. Well, through another colleague, I learned that her father just died. I never really met her father, but I feel like I should show up for the funeral because she is my friend. She and I haven't talked for about six months, which is normal. Still, I feel a little awkward about attending, considering I didn't know him. Do you think it is OK for me to go to pay my respects? It is an open funeral. -- Should I Go? Los Angeles

DEAR SHOULD I GO: Do attend the funeral. Obviously, do not sit with the family. Give them their space. At the same time, be sure to greet your friend and express your condolences. She will likely be very pleased to see you in the swell of people who come to pay their respects.

The times when it would be inappropriate for you to attend such a service include if it were listed as private or if some kind of friction existed between you and this woman or any of her family such that there might be discomfort for anyone present.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I did the thing I know better than doing over the holidays: I spent way too much money on gifts for family and my girlfriend. I splurged like crazy, and now here I am, broke. I am way too old for this. Now I am faced with bills that I can't really afford to pay, at least not in full. I'm scared about how to climb out of this hole. How can I stop this bad behavior? -- In Deeper Debt, Raleigh, North Carolina

DEAR IN DEEPER DEBT: You allude to a pattern in your life of overspending and impulse spending. While your behavior happens to reflect that of a huge swath of our country, it can be curbed. Just like in other situations that reach a critical place, you need help. Do not trick yourself into thinking that you can handle it on your own. You know that you are not an expert on finance.

You may want to start by going to a meeting of Debtors Anonymous (debtorsanonymous.org). Through this free 12-step program you will be in the company of people similar to you who are committed to changing their behavior. You also should find a financial adviser who can help you negotiate lower terms for your outstanding debt and help you design a budget that you can follow.

Be gentle with yourself as you work to change your ways. This didn't occur overnight. Expect it to take time for you to develop good financial habits that will support you over time. Definitely get help.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I will celebrate our 40th anniversary soon. We've sent out 100 invitations to a party, and 60 people have responded saying they will be in attendance. The final 40 people have not RSVP'd as of yet. I am nervous because my wife and I took the time out to invite our friends, and they will potentially cost us time and money if they do not show up. How much time do you allow for guests to respond to an invitation? -- Race Against Time, Charlotte, North Carolina

DEAR RACE AGAINST TIME: One of the biggest challenges that party planners have is that increasingly these days people do not RSVP for events. You are right to be concerned, but there are some things you can do. Start with checking with your caterer to find out when you have to give the final head count. This is the number that is key for your budget. When you feel you are getting close to that date, if you still have a large number of people who have not responded, you may want to pick up the phone or shoot them an email to double-check their status. You can tell the truth, that you have to give the caterer a final count and want to know if they are planning to attend your party. Do not pressure them to come. Simply be kind and direct.

You may also want to send a note to those who have RSVP'd telling them how excited you are to be seeing them at your upcoming anniversary party. Why do I say this? It is fairly common for a small percentage of people who have confirmed their attendance to become no-shows. You want to reduce the possibility of that unnecessary expense as well. In the end, you may have a few empty seats. What you want to avoid is not having enough seats, tables or food. So check in on your friends when the clock starts ticking down.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I recently went to a funeral, and she decided to wear some stylish jeans to the service. I did not care what my wife wore, but I stayed out of it. Some people were upset at my wife's fashion selection. They felt it was not suitable attire to wear to a funeral. The day of the funeral, my wife had four events to attend, and I know she was dressed for her day. What would have been the best outfit for my wife to wear? -- Fashion Police, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR FASHION POLICE: Generally speaking, people dress up for funerals, meaning they often dress relatively conservatively, traditionally in dark if not black clothing. Women often wear skirts or dresses, although that is not a requirement. Without seeing your wife's outfit, it is hard to say if there was anything more offensive than simply the jeans. Jeans are considered very casual attire. If there were elders or other conservative people at the funeral, they definitely would take issue with that. At the next funeral she attends, she should go for modest attire with no denim. Being prepared for your day should include every activity. Sometimes that means you bring a change of clothes with you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I usually spend my Christmas with my big family and a close group of friends who return for the holiday. Each year during the holiday season, my six best friends and I participate in a game of Secret Santa where we all trade names anonymously to exchange gifts for Christmas. 

We have been doing this tradition for about seven years, and it allows us to nurture our friendships as we return home only during this holiday season. However, for the past four years, one friend has not been giving gifts for some reason, though she has been receiving gifts. I have confronted her before, and she has said, "I will get it to them" on multiple occasions, but has yet to do so. My other friends are hesitant to say something to her about this matter; however, I am frustrated that some friends have not been receiving gifts, and it is unfair to others that she is able to get a gift without contributing. With the consensus of the group of course, should I bring this to her attention that she should not participate next year? What should I do? -- Bad Secret Santa, Hartford, Connecticut

DEAR BAD SECRET SANTA: You definitely should speak to your friend to find out what's going on. Speak to her in private rather than as a group, so that it doesn't seem like you are ganging up on her. Ask her why she has neglected to buy gifts for Secret Santa over the last four years. Whatever her reason is, let her know that you all continue to love and support her, but if she is unable or unwilling to participate, you have decided that you will remove her name from the group for next year. You will continue to get together annually, but this way only those who actually participate are included in that activity.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the holidays, my roommate had his mom come in town because he wasn't able to go home for the holiday season. He told me in advance that she would be staying at our home. For the most part, everything went smoothly. One time, though, I had my girlfriend stay over, and I think she heard us early in the morning in my room. She didn't say anything to me, but she did tell my roommate, who asked me to keep it down. I am so embarrassed. I didn't mean to disrespect her. Is there something I should say to her to make amends? I am a southern young man, as is my roommate. We have similar backgrounds, and I bet if my mother were staying here, she wouldn't like it either. What should I do? -- Caught in the Act, Harlem, New York

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE ACT: This embarrassing moment has passed. It would only create more awkwardness to bring it up again. Let this one go. In the future, think before you act. Imagine if that had been your mother staying in your apartment and your roommate had been noisy in the room with his girlfriend. You would have been mortified!

Here's a perfect time for you to remember the values and guidelines that you grew up following. At the very least, do not sleep with your girlfriend when your roommate's mother is visiting. It doesn't mean she can't visit. It does mean that you should offer the kind of respect and hospitality that you know your roommate's mother or your mother, for that matter, deserves.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)