DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I will celebrate our 40th anniversary soon. We've sent out 100 invitations to a party, and 60 people have responded saying they will be in attendance. The final 40 people have not RSVP'd as of yet. I am nervous because my wife and I took the time out to invite our friends, and they will potentially cost us time and money if they do not show up. How much time do you allow for guests to respond to an invitation? -- Race Against Time, Charlotte, North Carolina

DEAR RACE AGAINST TIME: One of the biggest challenges that party planners have is that increasingly these days people do not RSVP for events. You are right to be concerned, but there are some things you can do. Start with checking with your caterer to find out when you have to give the final head count. This is the number that is key for your budget. When you feel you are getting close to that date, if you still have a large number of people who have not responded, you may want to pick up the phone or shoot them an email to double-check their status. You can tell the truth, that you have to give the caterer a final count and want to know if they are planning to attend your party. Do not pressure them to come. Simply be kind and direct.

You may also want to send a note to those who have RSVP'd telling them how excited you are to be seeing them at your upcoming anniversary party. Why do I say this? It is fairly common for a small percentage of people who have confirmed their attendance to become no-shows. You want to reduce the possibility of that unnecessary expense as well. In the end, you may have a few empty seats. What you want to avoid is not having enough seats, tables or food. So check in on your friends when the clock starts ticking down.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I recently went to a funeral, and she decided to wear some stylish jeans to the service. I did not care what my wife wore, but I stayed out of it. Some people were upset at my wife's fashion selection. They felt it was not suitable attire to wear to a funeral. The day of the funeral, my wife had four events to attend, and I know she was dressed for her day. What would have been the best outfit for my wife to wear? -- Fashion Police, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR FASHION POLICE: Generally speaking, people dress up for funerals, meaning they often dress relatively conservatively, traditionally in dark if not black clothing. Women often wear skirts or dresses, although that is not a requirement. Without seeing your wife's outfit, it is hard to say if there was anything more offensive than simply the jeans. Jeans are considered very casual attire. If there were elders or other conservative people at the funeral, they definitely would take issue with that. At the next funeral she attends, she should go for modest attire with no denim. Being prepared for your day should include every activity. Sometimes that means you bring a change of clothes with you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I usually spend my Christmas with my big family and a close group of friends who return for the holiday. Each year during the holiday season, my six best friends and I participate in a game of Secret Santa where we all trade names anonymously to exchange gifts for Christmas. 

We have been doing this tradition for about seven years, and it allows us to nurture our friendships as we return home only during this holiday season. However, for the past four years, one friend has not been giving gifts for some reason, though she has been receiving gifts. I have confronted her before, and she has said, "I will get it to them" on multiple occasions, but has yet to do so. My other friends are hesitant to say something to her about this matter; however, I am frustrated that some friends have not been receiving gifts, and it is unfair to others that she is able to get a gift without contributing. With the consensus of the group of course, should I bring this to her attention that she should not participate next year? What should I do? -- Bad Secret Santa, Hartford, Connecticut

DEAR BAD SECRET SANTA: You definitely should speak to your friend to find out what's going on. Speak to her in private rather than as a group, so that it doesn't seem like you are ganging up on her. Ask her why she has neglected to buy gifts for Secret Santa over the last four years. Whatever her reason is, let her know that you all continue to love and support her, but if she is unable or unwilling to participate, you have decided that you will remove her name from the group for next year. You will continue to get together annually, but this way only those who actually participate are included in that activity.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the holidays, my roommate had his mom come in town because he wasn't able to go home for the holiday season. He told me in advance that she would be staying at our home. For the most part, everything went smoothly. One time, though, I had my girlfriend stay over, and I think she heard us early in the morning in my room. She didn't say anything to me, but she did tell my roommate, who asked me to keep it down. I am so embarrassed. I didn't mean to disrespect her. Is there something I should say to her to make amends? I am a southern young man, as is my roommate. We have similar backgrounds, and I bet if my mother were staying here, she wouldn't like it either. What should I do? -- Caught in the Act, Harlem, New York

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE ACT: This embarrassing moment has passed. It would only create more awkwardness to bring it up again. Let this one go. In the future, think before you act. Imagine if that had been your mother staying in your apartment and your roommate had been noisy in the room with his girlfriend. You would have been mortified!

Here's a perfect time for you to remember the values and guidelines that you grew up following. At the very least, do not sleep with your girlfriend when your roommate's mother is visiting. It doesn't mean she can't visit. It does mean that you should offer the kind of respect and hospitality that you know your roommate's mother or your mother, for that matter, deserves.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel really fortunate that I got a lot of gifts for Christmas. I know that not everybody is so lucky. The thing is, I do not like most of the gifts and really have little use for them. I was given gift receipts for most of them so I can return them if I want to. But I feel kind of guilty. I don't want to be that person who is ungrateful. But what's really happened is that now that I'm in college and living on my own, I have developed my own sense of style, and it is very different from what my family or family friends know. So they gave me stuff that I would never wear. If I do take them back, should I tell the people? I would hate for this to happen again next year. -- Out of Style, Chicago

DEAR OUT OF STYLE: Yes, you can return the gifts that had gift receipts. It was smart on the part of those who gave the items to you to include the receipt so that you could return or exchange independent of them.

As far as telling your loved ones that they don't get your style anymore, proceed with caution. Yes, you should tell your mother. Thank her for the items she bought for you and point out that they aren't in sync with your current style. Suggest that she not buy you clothes anymore. For the other people, chances are that your mother will pass the wisdom to some. Others will figure it out over time. I do not recommend doing an all-points bulletin to tell your people you don't like their choices for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband's job does a coat drive each year. At the last minute right before Christmas, he asked me if I had any coats to donate, and he wanted them at that very second. We were headed out to do something and were on a really tight deadline, and I did not have time to get it together right then. He huffed and blew me off. It was only later that I discovered that he had selected a couple of my coats -- without my permission -- and donated them. I am furious, not because I wouldn't have given to the charity -- I give every year -- but he did not afford me the time to make a selection and then made one for me. How can I address this? -- Overstepping Bounds, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR OVERSTEPPING BOUNDS: Calm down first. When you can speak without strong emotion, sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him that you do not appreciate how he handled the coat donations this year. Remind him that his initial ask came in a hurry, and then you figured out that he had donated coats of yours without asking you. Ask him why he chose to do that. Let him know that in the future, you want to make your own choices. Ask him to refrain from giving your things away without your approval. To avoid this next year, agree to select items to give away early so that they are packed and ready when it's time.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)