DEAR HARRIETTE: I usually spend my Christmas with my big family and a close group of friends who return for the holiday. Each year during the holiday season, my six best friends and I participate in a game of Secret Santa where we all trade names anonymously to exchange gifts for Christmas. 

We have been doing this tradition for about seven years, and it allows us to nurture our friendships as we return home only during this holiday season. However, for the past four years, one friend has not been giving gifts for some reason, though she has been receiving gifts. I have confronted her before, and she has said, "I will get it to them" on multiple occasions, but has yet to do so. My other friends are hesitant to say something to her about this matter; however, I am frustrated that some friends have not been receiving gifts, and it is unfair to others that she is able to get a gift without contributing. With the consensus of the group of course, should I bring this to her attention that she should not participate next year? What should I do? -- Bad Secret Santa, Hartford, Connecticut

DEAR BAD SECRET SANTA: You definitely should speak to your friend to find out what's going on. Speak to her in private rather than as a group, so that it doesn't seem like you are ganging up on her. Ask her why she has neglected to buy gifts for Secret Santa over the last four years. Whatever her reason is, let her know that you all continue to love and support her, but if she is unable or unwilling to participate, you have decided that you will remove her name from the group for next year. You will continue to get together annually, but this way only those who actually participate are included in that activity.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Over the holidays, my roommate had his mom come in town because he wasn't able to go home for the holiday season. He told me in advance that she would be staying at our home. For the most part, everything went smoothly. One time, though, I had my girlfriend stay over, and I think she heard us early in the morning in my room. She didn't say anything to me, but she did tell my roommate, who asked me to keep it down. I am so embarrassed. I didn't mean to disrespect her. Is there something I should say to her to make amends? I am a southern young man, as is my roommate. We have similar backgrounds, and I bet if my mother were staying here, she wouldn't like it either. What should I do? -- Caught in the Act, Harlem, New York

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE ACT: This embarrassing moment has passed. It would only create more awkwardness to bring it up again. Let this one go. In the future, think before you act. Imagine if that had been your mother staying in your apartment and your roommate had been noisy in the room with his girlfriend. You would have been mortified!

Here's a perfect time for you to remember the values and guidelines that you grew up following. At the very least, do not sleep with your girlfriend when your roommate's mother is visiting. It doesn't mean she can't visit. It does mean that you should offer the kind of respect and hospitality that you know your roommate's mother or your mother, for that matter, deserves.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel really fortunate that I got a lot of gifts for Christmas. I know that not everybody is so lucky. The thing is, I do not like most of the gifts and really have little use for them. I was given gift receipts for most of them so I can return them if I want to. But I feel kind of guilty. I don't want to be that person who is ungrateful. But what's really happened is that now that I'm in college and living on my own, I have developed my own sense of style, and it is very different from what my family or family friends know. So they gave me stuff that I would never wear. If I do take them back, should I tell the people? I would hate for this to happen again next year. -- Out of Style, Chicago

DEAR OUT OF STYLE: Yes, you can return the gifts that had gift receipts. It was smart on the part of those who gave the items to you to include the receipt so that you could return or exchange independent of them.

As far as telling your loved ones that they don't get your style anymore, proceed with caution. Yes, you should tell your mother. Thank her for the items she bought for you and point out that they aren't in sync with your current style. Suggest that she not buy you clothes anymore. For the other people, chances are that your mother will pass the wisdom to some. Others will figure it out over time. I do not recommend doing an all-points bulletin to tell your people you don't like their choices for you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband's job does a coat drive each year. At the last minute right before Christmas, he asked me if I had any coats to donate, and he wanted them at that very second. We were headed out to do something and were on a really tight deadline, and I did not have time to get it together right then. He huffed and blew me off. It was only later that I discovered that he had selected a couple of my coats -- without my permission -- and donated them. I am furious, not because I wouldn't have given to the charity -- I give every year -- but he did not afford me the time to make a selection and then made one for me. How can I address this? -- Overstepping Bounds, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR OVERSTEPPING BOUNDS: Calm down first. When you can speak without strong emotion, sit down and talk to your husband. Tell him that you do not appreciate how he handled the coat donations this year. Remind him that his initial ask came in a hurry, and then you figured out that he had donated coats of yours without asking you. Ask him why he chose to do that. Let him know that in the future, you want to make your own choices. Ask him to refrain from giving your things away without your approval. To avoid this next year, agree to select items to give away early so that they are packed and ready when it's time.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a friend's wedding a month ago. It was great to go there, and my husband and I had to rearrange a lot of things in order to make it happen. The wedding was several states away, which meant we took a long drive and then had to stay in a hotel. I'm only mentioning these things because I'm in an awkward position. We spent a lot of money to attend the wedding, so we didn't have much money left to give my friend a great gift. We ended up giving the couple a small check, but I feel bad about that. I wish we could have done more. Should I say something to my friend about why her gift was so small? -- Short on Cash, Los Angeles

DEAR SHORT ON CASH: I totally understand why you feel the way you do, and I want to suggest that you let it go. You and your husband made a big effort to witness and celebrate your friend's wedding. That counts for a lot. What's more, since you are friends with this woman, hopefully this is the first of many times that you will connect with her over the years. Make the decision to celebrate the new couple on their first anniversary by sending them a lovely gift or inviting them to visit with you. You can come up with creative ways to continue the celebration of love over time. Don't fret about what you were able to offer today.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a brother who lives 3,000 miles away. My family is close, but he is physically so far away that we rarely see him. I realized the other day that there's one other thing that kind of bugs me. We only talk when I call him. When I pick up the phone, he is happy to hear from me. But I don't think it's fair that I always have to be the one to initiate the call. He is single, and I have a husband and children, yet I make time for him. I want to figure out how to get him to make me a priority. -- Feeling Unappreciated, Denver

DEAR FEELING UNAPPRECIATED: Have you ever told your brother that you wish he would call you? There's a good chance that he doesn't call because he thinks you are extremely busy. Having a family and the many responsibilities that come with children means that there's a good chance your schedule is heavily booked. He may think that he's doing you a favor by waiting until it is convenient for you to talk.

He could also just be one of those people who is bad at communicating. Whatever the case, the best you can do is have a heart-to-heart talk with him where you express your desire for him to reach out to you sometimes. Given the realities of what is likely a busy life for you, consider suggesting a time once a week or once a month, whatever works for you both, when you can talk. Alternate who initiates the call.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)