Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am noticing a new behavior in my tween daughter that is driving me nuts. Pretty much anything I say to her she rejects as if I don't know what I am talking about. We are constantly bickering over every little thing. I asked her one day how she became an expert on everything at such a young age, trying to add some levity to the situation. Honestly, I can't take it. I have heard that children get testy as they grow up, but this is ridiculous. What can I do to stop getting caught up in the arguments? -- Stressed Out, Baltimore

DEAR STRESSED OUT: As the adult who is not going through puberty, you need to remember who you are in the relationship. Have compassion for your daughter. This doesn't mean that you should allow her to say anything in any tone of voice. It does mean that you may want to help her notice when she is being moody or particularly intense. Some children find it helpful to identify the intense mood swing and reflective behavior as an alter ego. You and she may want to give "her" a name so that you can notice "her" and laugh together when she takes over.

Another technique you may want to use is to create a nonverbal cue that either of you can use when you notice that you have started to argue. It could be tapping your nose or making the time out sign. Essentially, it is creating a way for you to press the reset button together. It works if you agree in advance that whenever either of you does this, you promise to start over using a more amicable tone.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I get so many emails these days that it is hard to keep track of them. It has become a problem for me because I have missed following up on key messages from family and work. One of my clients got mad and threatened to take his business elsewhere. If that isn't bad enough, one of my friends got upset because I didn't respond to his invitation to go to his birthday party. I didn't see either of these messages. I feel overwhelmed by technology and really wish I didn't have to manage email because I'm not good at it. I know already that this is wishful thinking. What should I do? I don't want to be considered rude or uncaring. -- Out of Control, Denver

DEAR OUT OF CONTROL: You need to "make friends" with technology and figure out how to use it to your advantage. Start by separating your work from your personal life. Create a new email address specifically for your friends and family. Send a message to all of them from that address requesting that they use that one. Next, clean out your other email address. Delete everything that is old and unnecessary. Review everything carefully and respond to anything that is outstanding. If you are late in your reply, be sure to apologize for your tardiness and then get to business. Being organized with technology will help you to stay on top of your responsibilities.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: We drive a lot at the end of the year going to visit family in three states. There are five us -- two adults and three kids. We have fun usually, but one of the things that always causes some friction is what music we listen to. All of us have different musical tastes, and tempers flare when the hours tick away and one of us wants a particular music that's not playing. In the past, we would defer to the driver because music can help to keep you alert. But that doesn't totally work because the four other people aren't satisfied. What do you recommend? -- In Tune, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR IN TUNE: I recommend that you mix up all of the activities, including the music. Do not keep music on all the time. Play word games or location games that get everyone looking out the window and learning about where you are going. Tell fun stories about previous trips. Invite each family member to contribute. You may even want to start a story and pass the story around so that you build the story together. Don't worry if it turns a bit fictional. What's important is that it should be fun.

As far as music goes, give each person a 20-minute window for listening to his or her favorite songs. Either shop for your music on the various available channels, or go to your own music on CDs to play. Keep mixing up the genres so that everybody has fun. With the various music services now, you may also want to explore new options. For example, there's a free app called Songza that has unusual playlists based on specific interests. My husband plays that when we are on long road trips, and we all get to hear a medley of unusual musical selections. Make it fun for the family. Your attitude toward your time in the car will make all the difference in how welcoming your family members are to each other's preferences.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I am constantly having health issues of one kind or another. My husband calls me a hypochondriac because when I really feel bad, I go to the doctor. He says I should just change the way I eat and exercise more because medicine is not going to help me. I do think he has a point about exercise and diet, but I feel pretty certain that if I have a serious upper respiratory infection or a massive headache, I should get it checked out. When I have gone to the doctor for these things and others, I get medicine that works. The problem is if I get another respiratory infection, I have to go again. My husband doesn't have issues like me, so he thinks I'm overreacting. My doctor doesn't, by the way. How can I get him to be more understanding? -- Health Challenged, Dallas

DEAR HEALTH CHALLENGED: If you are willing to have your husband learn all the details of your health history, bring him with you to a doctor's appointment and encourage him to ask questions about your health status and the care recommended by the doctor. Let him pose his range of questions to the health professional who can answer them with clarity and perspective. This may help.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to a formal event, and I am not sure of what to wear. I went to a formal affair last year, and I went out and bought a long gown because I thought that was the implied dress code, but when I got to the event, I felt overdressed. Most of the women had on cocktail dresses, and few men had on tuxedos. I know that a few years ago, formal meant dressed up like that. I don't know what to think today. What should I wear? -- The New Formal, Los Angeles

DEAR THE NEW FORMAL: Dress codes have relaxed pretty substantially over time such that even the notion of a formal event's dress code has become a question. You are right that formal once meant long dresses and tuxedos. Formal once was synonymous with black-tie. These days, formal has relaxed to include long gowns and also cocktail dresses.

When in doubt, ask your host. Rather than being unsure about what is expected at this event, contact the host or event planner and ask.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so confused about tipping at the end of the year. I'm not sure who I am supposed to give money to -- or how much, for that matter. I have limited finances, but I don't want to insult anyone by leaving them out. I've been told that giving baked goods or something like that doesn't really work for most of the service people in my life. So I need to know what I should pay to people like the newspaper boy, the guy who cuts the lawn and the baby sitter. Are there guidelines that I can follow without going totally broke? -- Tipper, Chicago

DEAR TIPPER: You are not the only one who is confused about this one. Most of us have a healthy list of service providers who would appreciate an end-of-year tip. I recommend that you give something to the people on your list. At the same time, I want to point out that it is not mandatory to do so, and you should not break your budget. Indeed, it is smart to include them in your overall gift-giving list so that you account for that money upfront.

That said, here are the general guidelines for most of these people: baby sitter, the average cost of one night; paper delivery person, $10-$20; lawn service provider, cost of one visit; nanny, one week to one month's pay; hairdresser, cost of one visit; nail technician (if you go to the same person), cost of one visit. In the instances where multiple people provide services for you over the year, like the nail salon, you can go back to the traditional gifts that many used to give, such as a box of cookies or chocolates that they can share. The point of giving these gifts is to express your gratitude for their support over the year, not to go broke.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)