DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to a formal event, and I am not sure of what to wear. I went to a formal affair last year, and I went out and bought a long gown because I thought that was the implied dress code, but when I got to the event, I felt overdressed. Most of the women had on cocktail dresses, and few men had on tuxedos. I know that a few years ago, formal meant dressed up like that. I don't know what to think today. What should I wear? -- The New Formal, Los Angeles

DEAR THE NEW FORMAL: Dress codes have relaxed pretty substantially over time such that even the notion of a formal event's dress code has become a question. You are right that formal once meant long dresses and tuxedos. Formal once was synonymous with black-tie. These days, formal has relaxed to include long gowns and also cocktail dresses.

When in doubt, ask your host. Rather than being unsure about what is expected at this event, contact the host or event planner and ask.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am so confused about tipping at the end of the year. I'm not sure who I am supposed to give money to -- or how much, for that matter. I have limited finances, but I don't want to insult anyone by leaving them out. I've been told that giving baked goods or something like that doesn't really work for most of the service people in my life. So I need to know what I should pay to people like the newspaper boy, the guy who cuts the lawn and the baby sitter. Are there guidelines that I can follow without going totally broke? -- Tipper, Chicago

DEAR TIPPER: You are not the only one who is confused about this one. Most of us have a healthy list of service providers who would appreciate an end-of-year tip. I recommend that you give something to the people on your list. At the same time, I want to point out that it is not mandatory to do so, and you should not break your budget. Indeed, it is smart to include them in your overall gift-giving list so that you account for that money upfront.

That said, here are the general guidelines for most of these people: baby sitter, the average cost of one night; paper delivery person, $10-$20; lawn service provider, cost of one visit; nanny, one week to one month's pay; hairdresser, cost of one visit; nail technician (if you go to the same person), cost of one visit. In the instances where multiple people provide services for you over the year, like the nail salon, you can go back to the traditional gifts that many used to give, such as a box of cookies or chocolates that they can share. The point of giving these gifts is to express your gratitude for their support over the year, not to go broke.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family had a horrible scare recently. My husband was in a car accident and got seriously hurt. We have been married for 10 years and have two young children. Because we are both young, we hadn't really thought about things like accidents, illness, death -- none of that. Now that my husband is injured and out of work indefinitely, we are in quite a bind. We applied for worker's compensation, but we have none of the things that will protect a family. Well, my husband has a small insurance policy through his job, but it's not going to be enough if he isn't able to go back to work. We don't know the first thing about getting this part of our life in order. What should we do? -- In Jeopardy, Denver

DEAR IN JEOPARDY: It is a blessing that your husband is alive. I join you in praying for his full recovery. Because you are not savvy about finances and insurance, I recommend that you immediately get help. Start with your husband's job. Contact the human resources department and find out exactly what protection your husband has. Learn if you can add to his insurance policy. Find out if he has disability insurance. Next, contact a financial professional to get support learning which tools are right for you. You can work with a life insurance company or a bank to identify what protection your family needs and can afford.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I will be visiting my family for the week between Christmas and New Year's. Typically, by the third or fourth day, somebody has a meltdown. I think it's just that there are so many of us in the house together, and one of my siblings or else my aunt starts picking, and arguments start. I hate arguing. I hated it as a kid, too. But they seem to love it. How can I get through the week without getting caught up in the mess? I really do not want to argue. -- No More Drama, Chicago

DEAR NO MORE DRAMA: What often happens with families is that adults revert back to their childhood roles and behaviors. Even those who function perfectly competently in their normal lives can quickly slip into insecure childhood ways if they aren't paying attention. What you can do to avoid that discomfort is to remember who you are. Take a few minutes each morning to think about how you engage with the many people who are part of your life. How do you manage conflict at work and with friends?

Start your day with a few minutes of meditation. Sit quietly and breathe deeply. Invite your inner strength to guide your steps. When something happens during the day that annoys you, take another deep breath. Observe the moment and look to see what might really be going on. Listen instead of reacting. Decide not to respond to old triggers. Instead, you can be quiet, laugh or walk away.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: The creepiest thing just happened to me. I received a friend request on Facebook, and I accepted because the person is friends with someone I know and respect. Almost immediately, the person direct messaged me with light chitchat. Quickly it turned into this man saying that he had won a big prize that Mark Zuckerberg had created to give back to the community, and I was on the list to get the prize, too. Yeah, right! I challenged him on this, and he was very convincing that this was like a lottery of sorts and randomly someone would win. I then looked to see who else is friends with this person. Turns out, my friend is the only other person I know who is his friend. I pushed back and eventually unfriended and blocked him.

The next day, I went to show someone this guy's page, and a real Facebook page came up. I realize that at least for a period of time, somebody stole this guy's identity. How weird is that? I reported it to Facebook, but I wonder if I should tell this guy, too. -- Identity Theft, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR IDENTITY THEFT: It can be totally unnerving when someone tries to scam you for starters and does so by stealing someone else's identity. We must all be vigilant about protecting ourselves. This includes making smart choices about whom we engage with person and virtually.

I recommend that you direct message the person in question to tell him what happened to you. He may have no idea that his identity was compromised. You should also ask Facebook to tell you if there is a way to prevent such a thing from happening in the future. The company definitely has a fraud division. Now is the time to make it clear that there continue to be unsavory characters out there who must be stopped.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have twin sons who have very different interests. Their birthday is coming up, and they have asked if they can have two separate parties. One is a nerdy type of boy. The other is a sports fanatic. Naturally, their friends fall into their respective areas of interest. I respect that my boys are different and want to do what they have asked. My concern is if I will be able to keep it up. One party is expensive already. To plan two is something we can swing this year, but I am worried about setting a precedent that I can't keep up. The boys are 12. How should I handle this? -- Twin Fete, Syracuse, New York

DEAR TWIN FETE: Be honest with your boys. Work with them to plan their two parties. Do your best to make them manageable this year, meaning not too many guests and modest in scope. Talk to your boys about how much things cost so that they can get a sense of perspective on what it takes to host a party. You can also tell them that you feel fortunate that you can host two parties this year, but this should not be considered the new plan.

For your own peace of mind, know that you can get creative with the types of parties you plan so that they do not have to be expensive. For example, a sporting party could occur on a public playground or field. Similarly, a visit to a museum or other such institution can be free or nominally priced.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)