DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who is in the middle of an ugly divorce. She has been telling me the details, and it just sounds horrible. I try to be a good listener, which is hard because the stories are just so awful, but I don't know what else to do. She has an attorney, and they are going through the trial right now. I want to do something special for my friend, but I can't figure out what in the world that could be. Meanwhile, I am a little exhausted from listening to her go on and on about everything. What can I do? -- In the Middle, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: Being a good listener is one of the greatest gifts you can give to someone who is in turmoil, but you do have to look out for yourself at the same time. If your friend likes to be pampered, perhaps you can give her a gift certificate for a massage. That is a very relaxing activity that can help her to be still for a while.

You can also decide that you are not on call for your friend. You can let her calls go to voicemail when it gets to be too much. You can tell her that you are going through your own stuff right now and need some space. You can also recommend to her that she consider getting a psychologist who can help her navigate this tough period. As a friend, you can only do so much. You should not consider yourself a failure if you cannot be there for every moment of her journey.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into one of my husband's good friends, and we had a long chat. During the time that we talked, I realized that she has an inside seat to the details of my life. She knew all kinds of things about my marriage, particularly the issues that my husband and I have been going through recently. I was taken aback when I heard her mention some of the absolute worst things about our relationship that I have told no one. I am upset that my husband would have told her so much. How should I address this with him? I am afraid that he will be mad at me and say he has the right to talk to whomever he wants to. I would prefer for us to talk to each other. -- Create a Dialogue, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR CREATE A DIALOGUE: Invite your husband to sit down and talk to you. Acknowledge that you two have been going through a rough period. Ask him how he is feeling about your life together. Do your best to get him to open up about your challenges.

Rather than accusing him of sharing your secrets, get him to talk to you. You can tell him how you feel about the issues at hand and what you hope the future looks like. To get him to talk is to create a feeling of a safe space between you, one that is free of accusations or blame. If you can get to that place, use it as a springboard to work on your marriage. When you are on solid footing, you can then suggest to your husband that you both choose to keep the intimate details of your marriage to yourselves.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a 12-year-old African-American son who has what looks like an arsenal of toy guns. From Nerf guns to BB guns to videogames featuring weapons, he and his friends are always playing around with guns. This is really no different from the kids I grew up with, but now I am scared to death.

I've been watching the news with all of the police killings of black men, including Tamir Rice, the 12-year-old Cleveland boy who had a toy gun. Now I want to take all of my son's toy guns away. Then again, I think that's hardly going to make him safe.

As people have been protesting these past couple of weeks, I feel pretty hopeless. I want to protect my son but not make him afraid in the process. What should I tell him to keep him safe? -- Scared Mom, Cincinnati

DEAR SCARED MOM: You should be afraid. We are living through a dark period in history right now. Perhaps the light is showing itself in the protests that have prompted the national government led by President Obama and Attorney General Eric Holder to say that we must look at questions of police killings of unarmed people in a new way. Because of the groundswell of protest and the reality of video that has revealed many questionable engagements between civilians and law enforcement officers, we are being forced to look more closely at issues of fairness and legality.

As a mom, you can and should discuss with your son what is happening. Though it is scary, he should know what's happening in his world. He should be clear about how to react if the police ever stop him. You must teach him to remain calm, never run and always follow directions.

As far as toy guns go, I most certainly would toss them all. I would go one step further and not allow him to play with guns under any circumstances, including with his friends. The stakes are too high.

I also highly recommend that you talk to your son about current events including the various deaths of African-American males by police officers and the reactions to these deaths. This is where your perspective is key. Be sure to process your thoughts and feelings so that you can be clear when you communicate with him. Talk about ways to be empowered, including participating in peaceful protests, either personally or by donation. The two of you can also write to the Department of Justice expressing your concerns. This is a time to become politically active, to stand up for what you believe. Proceed with caution and with the conscious articulation to your son that you want him to live a happy, safe and long life. Sometimes in order to get to that, you have to take a stand.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have received some disturbing emails from a close friend of mine. He sounds depressed, and I am really worried about him. I've told him that I'm here for him if he needs me, and I've also tried inviting him to my church because I think he needs some spiritual uplifting. My friend seems to be stuck in a rut, and I am getting a sense that he does not want to do anything to get himself out of this depression. Is there any more I should be doing, or should I give him space? -- Trying to Help a Friend, Salt Lake City

DEAR TRYING TO HELP A FRIEND: As you already know, you cannot control your friend. What you can do is to stay in touch with him. If he will allow it, go visit him often. Do your best to get him to communicate. By the way, it's best to not do this by yourself. If you have church members who might be willing to pitch in to support him, ask them for help. If you know his family, call on them.

Ultimately, you may have to stand down, but not before you make it crystal clear to him that you love him and want to help him climb out of his rut. If your friend is depressed, he should get medical help. No matter your good intentions, you cannot be that for him. You can tell him as much, but he has to make the choice to get help.

DEAR HARRIETTE: After 15 years of marriage, my wife has decided to become a vegetarian. In addition, she wants me to join her on her quest for a healthy lifestyle. I am not opposed to a healthy lifestyle; however, this is the holiday season, and I want to enjoy all the treats this time of year has to offer. My wife can be stubborn in her ways, and I do not want to cause any trouble when I tell her I will not change my eating habits until the top of the year. Do you have any suggestions on how I can convince her to start her vegetarian lifestyle in 2015? -- A Reasonable Request, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR A REASONABLE REQUEST: You do not need to convince your wife to change her personal timeline for becoming vegetarian. What you need to do is make it clear to her what your timeline is. If you want to enjoy holiday fare, you can make it yourself, ask her to make it or go to other gatherings where you can happily consume it.

If you want to embark upon this vegetarian journey with her, by all means tell her that you want to walk this path together and that your start date is Jan. 1. By affirming the positive, whatever that is for you, you will create space for her to navigate her own interests without feeling held back, judged or pressured by you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)