DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have not been getting along for quite some time. We argue a lot and rarely speak in friendly terms to each other. We were just with family for Thanksgiving, and while we had a decent time, it wasn't without the normal and extremely uncomfortable moments when he spoke to me like I was stupid or something. His classic is saying sexually inappropriate things to me in front of other people or groping my breasts or my behind when other people are in the room. When I tell him that I do not like when he does that, he acts like I am blowing things out of proportion. It has gotten so bad that I don't really want to go out with him anymore. I'm tired of being embarrassed.

I have asked him to go to counseling, but he refuses. We have two children and tons of debt. I don't feel like I have a way out, but I know something's got to give. What can I do? -- Beyond Humiliation, Denver

DEAR BEYOND HUMILIATION: In this time of discomfort, are you and your husband sexually intimate at all? It sounds like he is taunting you, possibly because you are "denying" him. Sometimes when relationships erode, the sexual component dies, thereby leaving a couple without that key connection of tenderness that can act as a salve to heal emotional wounds.

If you and your husband are at a crossroads that has gotten so brittle that it does not include any form of intimacy, it may be difficult reclaiming each other -- but not impossible if you both want it.

Start by inviting your husband on a date with just the two of you. Go to a place where you believe you can both enjoy yourselves and have enough privacy to talk. Talk to your husband about your life together. Express your concerns about how poorly you two have been getting along of late. Tell him that you do not think that the way things are going right now is healthy for the children or for the two of you.

Ask him how he feels about your relationship. Do your best to get him to open up about what he is experiencing and what he wants. Tell him that you want to take this time to talk about what you want for your life together and for your family. While it may be incredibly difficult to speak directly about the sensitive aspects of your marriage, make the effort. Before things escalate, ask again if he will consider counseling to help you through this rough patch. By all means, let him know how you are feeling, including how upsetting it is for you when he speaks to you in a degrading way and when he gropes you. Suggest that you work together to find your way back to intimacy.

DEAR HARRIETTE: It seems that a new trend is for people to ask for donations to charities in their name instead of traditional birthday gifts. That's a nice idea, but what if I don't approve of their charity of choice? How can I still be of support? -- Wanting to Give, Detroit

DEAR WANTING TO GIVE: You can write a check to the person and include a note saying, "use the money in any way you please." Or you can give to a similar charity that you do support -- in the person's name.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I received an offer online to buy a luxury item at a discount for the holidays. I was so excited because it meant that I could purchase it for my daughter, who has wanted the item for so long. I quickly typed in all my information and clicked away.

Later, I thought about it and am worried that I may have given my bank information to a phony company. The offer was almost too good to be true. What if the item doesn't come? What if I gave all of my banking details to some random company?

I feel like an idiot. I am usually pretty careful. What can I do to protect myself in case this company tries to take my money? -- Possibly Duped, Bronx, New York

DEAR POSSIBLY DUPED: Check your bank account religiously to see if any unusual purchases have been made. Verify that the purchase you authorized has gone through as well. Contact your bank and alert it to the situation. It may suggest that you close out your card and get another. Follow the bank's protocol. When you work with your financial institution immediately, you stand a chance of being fully protected if fraud is indeed in play.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother is getting older, and I notice that whenever I talk to her on the phone she recounts every single detail of every experience she has had since the time we talked last, which is usually the day before. I am committed to talking to my mother, but I often do not have time to listen to the whole story.

I get that she is older and that this happens sometimes. I wonder, though, if there is a way for me to direct the conversation differently. I hate cutting her off, but I can't talk for two or three hours at a time. -- SOS, Malibu, California

DEAR SOS: Many older people do get stuck in the rut of describing their lives when they are fortunate enough to have others who will listen. Others have physical inefficiencies that result in repetitiveness, including general forgetfulness up to and including a range of degrees of dementia.

You should start by getting your mother a full exam to determine what her mental capacities are. This is important so that you will understand what is appropriate for you in terms of guiding her conversation. If she is mentally healthy, you may be able to introduce word games and other fun activities that can turn your conversations into engagements, much like young people do when they play video games together.

If your mother is suffering from some type of memory loss or other mental challenge, her doctor can help you to figure out activities and conversations that may stimulate her without locking you into the grueling details of a given experience.

Finally, you may have to manage your conversations by giving them starting and ending times and letting her know about them upfront. You can say, "Mom, I can talk for 20 minutes today." Set a timer so that when it goes off, you both know that time's up. Get creative so that you both feel supported in the process.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was invited to spend Christmas at a friend's family home since I am away at college and she lives in town. I cannot afford to go home, so it was really nice of her family to invite me. I'm not sure of the protocols around this holiday with these folks. With my family, we have a big tree, lots of presents and food. Everybody pitches in. I have no idea what to expect with my friend. I almost feel like it's too much to ask for me to be there. With my family, it all seems so intimate. How can I figure out what to do with these people? -- Questioning Tradition, Baton Rouge, Louisiana

DEAR QUESTIONING TRADITION: You do not need to sweat this. Instead, you need to ask your friend. Start by thanking her profusely for inviting you to share the season with her. Then quiz her on what her family does during this holiday week. Ask about everything -- the range of activities they participate in, such as tree trimming, tree lighting, church services; what happens on Christmas Eve; details about Christmas Day; and roles and responsibilities for family members and you. Find out what the dress codes are for various activities and if there are any unique traditions that they practice over this time period. Ask until you cannot think of anything else. Make sure your friend knows that you are asking because you want to make sure that you understand what is expected and that her family will be comfortable around you as you are also comfortable around them.

When you are with the family, pay attention so that you can notice what the expectations are. And figure out how and where you can have some alone time in case you need to decompress.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend for the past two years. We decided to stay together even though I was going off to law school. Well, I have made many new friends here, and I have found myself interested in getting to know one of my classmates better. Both of the women are amazing, but I do not want to give up a five-year relationship for what may just be a passing fancy. What do you think? -- Out of Sight, Out of Mind, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR OUT OF SIGHT, OUT OF MIND: One of the toughest relationships to have is of the young long-distance variety. When your hormones are raging and you are busy figuring out your life, it's natural that you will meet interesting people. Occasionally, that interest is piqued very intensely. When your significant other is miles away, the temptation can seem insurmountable.

This is when I recommend that you do a self-assessment. What is the commitment you have made to your girlfriend? Do you still want to maintain that bond? Are you willing to risk damaging it by engaging this other woman? Do you want a timeout to see if there is a spark with the woman on campus? Be brutally honest with yourself.

If you end up wanting to try out the new relationship, be respectful and tell your girlfriend. See if you two can work through what is happening. If you stand a chance of staying together, you need to be honest with each other through the rough patches.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)