DEAR HARRIETTE: My heart is broken because my mentor and his wife have died a premature death. As I take a moment to reflect, I am grateful and honored that he took the time to cultivate my gifts and talents. My mentor made me the man that I am today, and I will be forever indebted to him in my memories. My family will attend his funeral, and I would like to know the best way I can honor him. -- Lost my Mentor, Atlanta

DEAR LOST MY MENTOR: I am sorry to hear about your loss. You already see the grace in his life, which is a blessing. If you feel capable of staying grounded while speaking, you could offer to your minister's family to speak at the wake or even at the funeral. Having people attest to the great life that someone has lived upon his passing helps to bring wonderful memories to life and allows guests to join those who are mourning in a loving experience of remembrance.

Of course, you can also honor your mentor and his wife by leading a life that is reflective of all that he taught you. Keep his memory alive by talking about the lessons you learned and how you are applying them on a daily basis.

DEAR HARRIETTE: During a recent conversation with my female friend, she asked me if I still talk to my ex-wife. I told her I have not spoken to her in over a year in person, but we are friends on Facebook. My friend became upset because I have not totally closed the door on my prior relationship. I do not see the big deal because my ex has moved on and has happily remarried. Should I be concerned? On the other hand, should I unfriend my ex-wife to make my friend happy? -- Unnecessary Blocking, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR UNNECESSARY BLOCKING: If you feel confident that you have an appropriate relationship with your ex-wife, you should convey that to your current female friend. But more, find out what the source of her discomfort is. Was she in a previous relationship where her boyfriend was still involved with a previous lover or spouse? Does she have reason to be concerned based upon her past? She could be scarred by an experience that she needs to work through so that she does not superimpose her negative past onto your life today.

Many people maintain healthy friendships with exes. But it is also true that many other people maintain unhealthy connections featuring complicated and blurred lines. Do yourself and this relationship a favor by figuring out exactly where you stand emotionally with your ex so that you can be completely forthright with your current friend. From that position, you will be able to address your life and potentially support her in addressing hers as well.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter had a falling-out with her best friend at school. Thankfully, she texted me to tell me about it. She was very open in expressing how upset she was that her friend was being unfair in a situation that involved a group of their friends and a likely misunderstanding. My daughter is 11 and just learning how to manage conflicts in her friendships. She asked me to stay out of it, at least for now, and if it would be all right to talk it over with me but to keep it to myself. She said she would ask for help if she needed it. I am blown away by how grown up she is acting right now. She was clearly upset about what her friend said to her, but she sounded confident that she would be able to handle it on her own, or at least try. What should I do as her parent during this ordeal? How often should I check up with her about it? I don't want to be a nag, but the situation is truly unpleasant. -- Supportive Mom, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SUPPORTIVE MOM: If there is no time limit on the situation at hand, just check with her on a daily basis. Ask her how she is doing, if she has talked to her friend and if they have reached any resolution. Without prying, drum up conversation. You may even want to start the conversation about other things, such as homework, after-school activities or whatever else is normally top of mind for your daughter.

If you sense that she seems unhappy, uncomfortable or uncertain, jump in and ask her if she needs your help. Sometimes you do need to put it out there directly, as a lifeline of support. You want to protect your daughter from bullying without being too overprotective. By establishing daily open communication with her in general, you will create a comfortable environment to discuss tough things, too.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My neighbor has been out of work for a long time, and she recently asked me if she could use me as a reference. I told her that I would not be able to refer her because I do not know her work history at all. I actually don't know her that well in general, so I don't feel comfortable vouching for her. I don't have anything bad to say, but the truth is, I really don't have anything to say. She was not happy with my answer and got really mad at me. Do you think I should have said yes to her request? -- Not My Neighbor's Keeper, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR NOT MY NEIGHBOR'S KEEPER: You did the right thing. If you do not know what to say as a reference for someone, it can easily backfire on the person asking for the reference. You could tell her that you are looking out for her in stepping back. Professional interviewers ask about your relationship, anything you know about a person's skills and about a person's nature. If you aren't comfortable talking about those things, you should not do it.

What you can do is offer moral support and even urge her to think about people she knows who may be viable references.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: It's nearing the end of the year, and my company just informed the staff that a gift they want to give us is to donate money to a charity on our behalf. They gave a list of five charities that they have selected for us to choose from -- and that's where I have a problem. I have a favorite charity that I have been supporting for years. If my company is going to give to a charity in my name, I want to be able to choose it. As it is, they usually give each of us a bonus, and we can do whatever we want with it. Do you think it is appropriate for me to request that the contribution made in my name go to my desired location? -- Wanting to Choose, Washington, D.C.

DEAR WANTING TO CHOOSE: It makes sense that you should be able to name your charity of choice. It is likely that your company made recommendations to make it easy for everyone to participate without too much individual paperwork on their parts. They also may have an affinity toward the charities they listed. Still, you should be able to speak up for your charity. Go to your immediate supervisor or to human resources to find out how to make that request.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My company was just purchased by another larger company. As we are all settling in, we discovered that because it's as if we are "new hires," we haven't earned any vacation days yet. Every year I take time off to visit my family in Europe. I have been doing this for 20 years. I already got it approved at my "old" job, but now there's a chance that I won't be able to go, even though I already bought the tickets. This isn't fair. How can I get these people to consider my situation? I have worked for the original company for 15 years. -- Gotta Go, Racine, Wisconsin

DEAR GOTTA GO: Before getting your back up, practice a bit of gratitude. For starters, you still have a job. Many mergers end up with key employees being cut from the staff. Count your blessings before going into combat mode. When you feel grounded, go to your boss and plead your case. Explain that you did not know that the company would be for sale, of course, and that you followed all of the former protocols, which included requesting holiday time off to visit your family. Lay your cards on the table: You bought your tickets and are set to visit your family. Ask if the company will honor your time off and then take it out of your future vacation days. Since you will eventually earn vacation, you may be able to plead successfully in this way. Remember to be kind and grateful in your communication. Humility and honesty often open doors; anger and resentment are quick to slam doors shut.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)