DEAR HARRIETTE: How do I introduce my new friend to my family? We have only been seeing each other for about five weeks now. We like each other a lot. In fact, I plan to bring her around my family during Thanksgiving weekend. I haven't brought a woman home in a long time, so I know it's going to mean something to my folks. I am nervous because my family is nosy, and they are going to ask myriad questions. I am not sure how to handle their pending questions. Should I just spare my family the confusion and refer to her as my girlfriend? -- Somewhat Nervous, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR SOMEWHAT NERVOUS: If you consider your friend to be your girlfriend, call her that. If you have not reached that stage in your budding relationship, call it what it is. You can tell them in advance that you are bringing a friend with you to dinner, a woman you have been dating for a few weeks now. You can ask them to help make her feel comfortable by not prying too much.

Prep her as well. Let her know that your family members are inquisitive and may ask her lots of questions. She can decide in advance what she wants to discuss and where she might draw the line. It is most important for the two of you to be clear on the status of your relationship before you get there. Agree on whether you are friends, girlfriend-boyfriend or something else. As long as you are united, you will be able to make the atmosphere as comfortable as possible.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife does not like surprises, but I would like to give her a surprise party for her 45th birthday. I know I am going against her wishes, but I think it would be fun to plan something without her input. How can I get away with planning her birthday without embarrassing my wife and avoid getting hurt in the process? -- Surprise, Surprise, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR SURPRISE, SURPRISE: I am not a believer in doing for someone something that you know the person wouldn't like. I feel doubly sure about that when you are speaking about a surprise for your wife. Here's the thing: People often make the mistake of superimposing their views and desires on their loved ones. That is not the way to inspire happiness in those people.

Instead, pay attention to your loved one. What do you think your wife would appreciate for her special birthday? Think long and hard. And guess what? You can ask her for her input. Making a celebration special does not require surprise. It could be that collaboration is the best idea. Tell your wife that you want to do something extra-special for her upon reaching this milestone. Ask her to talk to you about her heart's desires. Figure out if you can execute one of her dream celebrations.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a new job, and my father calls me every day at work and wants to talk. My boss does not like when the employees are on the phone dealing with non-business matters during office hours. I do not want to hurt my dad's feelings. He is a senior citizen and has always been there for me. What can I say to him? -- I Am Working, Chicago

DEAR I AM WORKING: Set up an off-hours time to talk that can be your special time with your father. You could make it in the morning before work or at some time after work and on the weekends. Tell him how important it is to you that you get your talk time on a regular basis. Point out that you can talk at work only if it is an emergency. Explain that the rules at your new job prohibit personal phone calls. This should not hurt his feelings. It is simply stating a fact.

When he next calls at work, you can remind him right away that you can talk at your appointed time. It may take a while to get him in the new rhythm, so be patient. You may even want to tell your boss that you are working with your dad to wean him off of calling you at work. Ask your boss to be lenient with you, if at all possible, because your dad is old and you don't want to hurt his feelings.

You may find that not answering the phone sometimes is your only viable solution. You can resort to that action when you are busy and it really is inappropriate for you to have a personal conversation.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family has an annual tradition where we go Christmas shopping on Black Friday. A few years back, it was the thing to do because there were not many people out so early in the morning. However, that is not the case these days. People camp out in front of their favorite stores almost 24 hours in advance and have missed Thanksgiving celebrations altogether. I am having second thoughts about going out this year. I know my wife would really appreciate it if I go with her, but I do not want to wake up early to go out shopping. How can I get out of this situation without disappointing her? -- Breaking the Family Tradition, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR BREAKING THE FAMILY TRADITION: Sit down with your wife and map out a list of what you need and want to buy during this first wave of the holiday rush. Do you know what you want to buy for holiday gifts and household needs? Taking this practical action can help you both sober up as it relates to rushing out in the Black Friday flurry of activity. Many people end up spending money on items they don't need simply because they were on sale.

Talk to your wife about what is practical. If she really just wants to enjoy the drama of it all, come up with a budget together. And then tell her you really do not want to participate. Be honest about your reservations. Suggest that she go with a friend or other family member who enjoys the experience.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been dating a guy for about four months now. He is very sweet to me. I like his personality a lot. I work in an office as an office manager; he works construction. I think that's great, except that he doesn't always see the need to shower and change at the end of the day. So if he asks me out on a date, even if he has time to come home, shower and change, he often does not. I don't mean to sound like a snob, but I don't really want to go to a nice restaurant or even to the movies and snuggle up next to somebody who smells like dust and sweat. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I need to tell him. -- Clean Up, Detroit

DEAR CLEAN UP: I bet your guy has been single for a long time. One of the most common "side effects" of a loving relationship is some good old TLC. Chances are, he hasn't put two and two together at all. He is so eager to see you, getting to you is top of mind. Bathing is not even on the radar. This may be true for white-collar men, too. It's just less obvious because of the nature of their work.

Definitely tell him, but in a nice way. When you are planning for your next date, ask him what he's going to wear. Encourage him by suggesting that he shower and wear whatever cologne you like that he wears, or you could recommend a specific shirt and tie that you have loved him wearing in the past. Make it a sensuous experience. That should encourage him to clean up so that he can enjoy your affection more completely.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My father passed away several years ago. This year, my family decided to host a celebration to remember him on his birthday. My sisters thought this might remind the family of what a good man he was and help guide some of the cousins to do better as some of them have started to go down a bad path. I think that sounds nice, but I doubt it will make a difference. In a way, I don't want to do this. How about if nothing happens? Will we be dishonoring him by bringing his memory into it? What should I do? -- Remembering Daddy, Salt Lake City

DEAR REMEMBERING DADDY: Invoking memories of a loved one who was strong and focused can be inspiring, especially to family members. It is one way that people mourn and also a way that people can be awakened to the potential that runs through their veins.

Rather than being skeptical, choose to be optimistic. Ask each family member to come with memories of your father, stories of how his words or actions positively affected them. Be prepared to talk about revelatory moments with your father where his discipline may have set you back on course. Talk to your cousins to see where their thoughts are. Invite them to consider redirecting their steps to a more strategic goal. Stay in touch with them and let your father's wisdom course through your actions into theirs.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)