DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to an event that was hosted by a woman I met through a professional contact. I thought the event was horrible. It was poorly produced. People came late, primarily because it started too early -- smack in the middle of rush hour. And it seemed really disorganized. Because I came out of respect to my contact, I sat through it, but I was none too happy.

I chalked it up to a not-so-great experience until the host cold-called me for feedback. I hedged around my thoughts at first, but she kept asking, so I told her. What I said was measured, but I did let her know that I was not particularly pleased. I think I said it in a way that wasn't offensive. I don't tend to volunteer my thoughts, especially if they are questionable, but I actually didn't volunteer. She asked me. She seemed to take it pretty well, too, but I'm second-guessing myself now. Should I have just made nice on the phone, or was it right to tell her what I really thought? -- Heads Up, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR HEADS UP: Congratulations on your tactful honesty. I agree that it may not have been your place to say anything if you had to be the one to bring it up. After all, you said you do not know this woman. But since she reached out to you, it must have been for a reason. While she may have been looking for affirmation of the success of her event, she got what she probably needed -- honest, constructive feedback that she can use -- if she is smart -- to strengthen a similar event in the future. You did well.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who calls, and I can't help myself -- I always answer. It doesn't matter if I am in a meeting, asleep, whatever. I answer for him. He stirs me like that. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. The thing is, he doesn't really do the same for me. I didn't notice it at first, but it's true. He is responsive, but there have been plenty of times when I have not been able to reach him, and it has taken a long time for him to call me back. That hurts my feelings. How can I manage this relationship better? I fear that I am the problem, even though I often feel like it's him. -- Unresponsive, Detroit

DEAR UNRESPONSIVE: You seem to be willing to put this man before yourself. That's not smart. There is a certain healthiness in putting yourself first. It allows you to tend to your basic needs and desires. When you push your personal needs to the back burner, out of either love or infatuation with another, you are starving that other side of you.

If this man is worthy of your affection, he will surely not disappear if he has to wait for your response. Further, if he tends to be lackadaisical about responding to you, let him get a taste of his own medicine. It may help him see what it feels like to be ignored.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife and I decided that we would not have our kids participate in trick-or-treating in the traditional sense this Halloween, and we are looking for a fun alternative way to celebrate the fall holiday. Do you have any suggestions? -- Happy Halloween, Chicago

DEAR HAPPY HALLOWEEN: Rather than having your children troll the streets of your neighborhood, why not host a party at your home, community center or another friend's home? Join forces with a few families and stage a party where sweets, music and games abound. It can be easy and inexpensive to decorate because Halloween items are in stores absolutely everywhere. Alternatively, you can host a party preparation activity where you get together with the children and make decorations. You may end up having more fun as you also keep your children safer because they will be inside.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just got a big check for a job I did a few months back, and I was so excited to get some money that I went out and spent it all. I feel like such an idiot. But I had gone so long being broke that I wanted to treat myself. The treats just seemed to grow and get out of hand. Now I'm back at square one with all kinds of bills to pay and no money to pay it. I do have a couple of checks that I'm waiting for, but I realize that I have created a terrible pattern. I have done this before. I'm not proud of myself, but I know what I do. How can I stop the cycle of binge spending and then being broke? -- Throwing in the Towel, Los Angeles

DEAR THROWING IN THE TOWEL: You need help, immediately. Many people with financial challenges such as yours get help for free from Debtors Anonymous, debtorsanonymous.org. Through this program, you can learn what your triggers are and discover ways to resist the temptation to fall into your own traps.

You have proven to yourself that you cannot handle your finances on your own. Remember that and get the support you need. Essentially, you are dealing with a type of addiction. Because it has to do with something you need in your life, it is not something you can walk away from. Instead, you must learn to manage your behavior. It would be wise for you to get a compassionate financial adviser who can help you negotiate with creditors, develop strategies to pay down your debt and otherwise help you get set on a path to making healthier choices about how you live and spend. You can get free advice from the IRS, your local unemployment office and your local community center.

You can turn your life around -- just not by yourself. Get the help you need.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who goes on and on and on about political topics until I could throw up. Nothing is off-limits. And he has seriously strong views about every single thing. At first I thought this was humorous -- until it got to be too much. The icing on the cake for me, though, was when I asked him if he was so riled up why didn't he just vote for the candidate who shared his views, and he balked and said he doesn't vote. He's not even registered to vote! He thinks that's a waste of time and that his vote won't count. I was infuriated. This is a black guy who grew up in the South even though he lives up North now. He knows that his people fought for the right to vote. And now all he can do is whine about things? I want to strangle him. What can I do instead? -- Waking Him Up, Syracuse, New York

DEAR WAKING HIM UP: Before walking away from these heated discussions with your friend, sit him down and ask him to take a trip down memory lane. What does he remember of old family stories about equal rights? If his family grew up in the segregated South, there is a very good chance that they talked about the visceral negative effects of discrimination. Ask him to recall some of those stories. If you have any stories from your own family, do the same. Talk about what it was like before the Voting Rights Act of 1965, or before segregation was made illegal. Talk to him about how equal rights began to be offered to people outside the white community and how that happened. In all cases in this country, rights were secured through protest and ultimately through a vote among the American people.

While it is true that democracy is not as simple as one vote, each vote does count. All you can do is remind him of his own family history and how important it was that people stood up for what they thought was right and made their voice heard through a ballot. A voice without power is just a loud voice.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I overheard my secretary telling another woman in the office some very personal details about me that she knows only because she is my personal assistant. I was shocked to hear her going on and on about my health concerns and a recent difficulty in my marriage to someone who works in the building. Obviously, I wish she didn't know any of it, but she has pieced a few things together over time. What ever happened to loyalty? I'm not sure how to address this. I don't know if I can get her to stop. What should I do? -- Betrayed, Denver

DEAR BETRAYED: Call a meeting with your assistant, and tell her what you overheard. Describe how surprised and disappointed you were to discover that she would betray your trust in that way. Ask her to explain herself. Turn the tables on her, and ask her what she would recommend you do in this situation. Get her to think carefully about this violation of trust. You may want to report her to human resources, but definitely outline what confidentiality means and that if she violates it again, you will not be able to work with her.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)