DEAR HARRIETTE: I sing in my church choir and have done so since I was a teenager. A new family joined our church, and now two members of the family have asked to join the choir. At first we thought it was great that they wanted to be active right away. Now we know it's not so good after all. They are both tone-deaf. It doesn't matter how many times the choir director plays the notes for them, they are still off. It is hard to stay focused with them singing near me. I know our choir director believes that everyone should be welcome, but is it right if it compromises the sound? -- Killing Me Softly, Denver

DEAR KILLING ME SOFTLY: Some choirs act as yours does by welcoming everyone, regardless of skill. As hard as it may be right now to accept that, do your best to be inclusive. If you truly cannot concentrate, you can ask to be moved in your position on the choir. But make sure that your heart is open to these people. Let your love of the message neutralize your annoyance at their vocal ability.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My good friend is single while most of her friends are married or have kids. She has two dogs that she loves like they are her children. She cooks special food for them and takes them to the groomer once a month. It seems pretty outlandish, if you ask me, but she is adamant about calling them her children. She recently lost her job, so now she's collecting unemployment, and one of the dogs got sick. She took the dog to the vet to the tune of several thousand dollars. She called and was complaining about the cost to me, and it was hard for me to listen. The way I grew up, if a dog got really sick, you put it down. It was considered the humane thing to do. She is willing to use all of the money she has to care for these dogs. She even asked to borrow money the other day because she was running low and had to go back to the vet. How can I support her when I don't agree with her decisions? -- Help a Friend, Washington, D.C.

DEAR HELP A FRIEND: Do your best not to judge your friend. While she may not follow the practices that were common some years ago, she is doing the best she can. Many people with pets feel a tremendous closeness to their animals and do consider them to be like people, like their children. The veterinary business has developed accordingly. Now it is possible to prolong an animal's life indefinitely in some cases. Dogs, in particular, suffer from many of the same diseases that afflict people, and veterinarians have developed countless ways to treat them.

As far as your friend goes, just be there for her. Listen to her. Be empathetic. Do not suggest that she put her dogs down. That would feel equivalent to someone telling a parent to let a child die. If your friend asks you for money, give if you choose. But don't base your generosity on what she is going to do with the money. Base it instead on whether you can and want to share it at that time.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I went out to dinner with some of his colleagues the other night, and we had a great time. I was surprised because we hardly ever go out anymore, and the evening often ends up in an argument. None of that happened. I want to say something to my husband about how nice it was, but I'm afraid that I might start an argument if I bring up the difference between this recent evening and what it's usually like. What can I say that would be appropriate? -- Wanting More, Detroit

DEAR WANTING MORE: Let go of your need to compare one activity to another. If you don't hold on to the bad stuff, you create space for it to go away.

Talk to your husband about your great date. Tell him what you enjoyed, especially as it relates to the two of you enjoying each other's company. Suggest that you go out again in the near future. It could be something simple that you both like, such as taking a walk on a brisk fall evening, going out to dinner, attending a sporting event -- whatever you both consider fun. Continue to suggest outlets for mutual enjoyment. That's the key to unlocking your happiness.

DEAR HARRIETTE: OK, so I'm annoyed. I work in the music business, and it can be fun, although it's a lot of hard work, just like anything else. Because I know a person or two who may be pseudo-famous, my boys are always hitting me up, asking me to get them an autograph or tickets to shows. I can hardly ever do that. That's not how this thing works. I can't be building my career and trying to hook people up before I'm even in there good. Know what I mean? I bet you do. But they don't. When I say I can't ask for something like seven free tickets to a concert, they come at me with attitude. I try to tell them that this is business, just like anything else. If this artist gives away tickets like that, he'll never make any money. But when I say that stuff, they just think I'm being stingy and trying to keep the experience to myself. That's not it at all. I'm trying to keep it real. I won't have a job if I keep asking for handouts or acting like a groupie. How can I get my boys to back off without them getting their backs up? -- Caught Up, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR CAUGHT UP: People who work in any way with celebrities often find themselves in your position. Their friends are envious of the experience they are having and really want a way in, if only to glimpse what's going on for a moment.

What you might do is find out if you can buy a block of tickets at a discount for one of these gigs. Ask the artist's manager, the promoter or even the venue. Group sales commonly do that. Make it clear that they will have to buy the tickets, though. Find out if you can arrange a tour of the stage or some other type of insider activity that will give them a look without embarrassing you.

Then shut it down. Explain that you may be able to create a once-in-a-lifetime, but not a continuous, engagement.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been going out with a really nice guy for a few months now. We get along well. He is very attentive and seems to come from a nice family. Overall, it feels like a good fit.

He brings me gifts when we see each other, and that's the problem. He usually brings me sweets of some kind, like a cupcake or chocolates. That's very nice and all, but I am diabetic. I haven't told him because I didn't want to talk about health issues so early in a relationship. I feel like me having this condition might make him back off or something, but I have to do something.

I'm sure he notices that I am not eating the sweets that he brings for me. I've been saying that I will save them for later, but it seems wrong to keep dodging the truth. How can I tell him without scaring him off? -- Need to Tell, Chicago

DEAR NEED TO TELL: There is little to no chance for a solid relationship to be built if you are not honest about basic things, and that includes your health. Maybe there's no need to reveal an illness by date three, but you say that you are several months into this relationship. You must tell him.

Start by telling him you have something important to share. Sit down with him and explain that you have not been eating the lovely sweets he gives you because you can't. Tell him you have diabetes, which prohibits you from eating sweets. Reveal that you were skittish about telling him because you didn't want him to worry or to walk away, but because you do like him, you thought it was important to be honest.

Be willing to answer his questions about your disease. Make sure you talk to him about what you are doing to stay healthy. Pay attention to how he reacts. Hopefully he will understand. If not, it's better to know early on that he is not ready to be in a relationship with you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: In the past year, my mom has lost many of her childhood friends. One lady died of cancer, and then her husband died a few months later. He had been sick for years. A woman from my mom's church had a heart attack. Then one of her high school friends had a car accident. The list goes on. I know we should expect to hear of deaths, given their ages -- my mom is 86, for heaven's sake -- but it doesn't make it any easier to know that they are old. How can I cheer up my mom? She is healthy and I'm worried she will get depressed. -- Mom Booster, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR MOM BOOSTER: One tremendous difficulty in growing old is seeing your loved ones pass. Though inevitable, it is still hard to experience. To help your mother, keep her active. If you have children, make sure she spends time with them. Get her involved in a senior center that includes exercise and activity. Help her design her days so that she is busy with fun experiences. This can help ease her worries simply by keeping her mind and body occupied.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)