DEAR HARRIETTE: My wife thinks that wearing a girdle or Spanx is all she needs to look fit. I try to tell her that she has to do something more than put on a stretchy garment to make that happen. She just keeps buying bigger clothes and tighter girdles. Don't get me wrong -- I am still attracted to her. I just see that she is deluding herself. There is no way that she is going to be healthy and fit if she eats anything she wants and never moves a muscle. How can I convince her that exercising is the way to go? -- Concerned Spouse, Boston

DEAR CONCERNED SPOUSE: People wake up to their fitness needs on their own personal clocks, as I'm sure you already know. Your wife has yet to recognize what it will take for her to do more than look good in a dress. To help her along, you may want to create activities that inspire movement. Invite her to go apple picking with you this fall. That's a fun date that includes moving around. Invite her to go with you on a hike. Walk together in your neighborhood.

If you treat the activities as dates where the two of you spend time together, you may easily be able to get her to move more than she currently does without griping. Once she begins to see how invigorating movement can be, she may become more open to doing more. Choosing fitness ultimately has to be her idea.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a neighbor whom I really like, but my husband doesn't like her. He has never said why. Whenever I visit with her, my husband gets an attitude. Plus, he hates it when she comes over. This makes it really awkward for me. I don't have many friends, and she is very nice to me. I don't want to lose her friendship. I don't like all of my husband's friends, especially the ones who are loud when they come over to play cards in the basement. But I don't say anything about them. They are his "boys," and I like to give him his space with them. Why can't he do the same for me? -- In an Awkward Space, Denver

DEAR IN AN AWKWARD SPACE: Have you ever presented your thoughts to him as you laid them out to me? Be honest with your husband about the friend situation. Ask him if he has a reason for not liking your friend. You should find out to make sure that there is no concrete issue that you need to address.

If not, ask him if you two can explore how you can both enjoy your friends while creating space for each other. Perhaps you can visit with your friend without including your husband. Can you use the basement or the kitchen when you two are together? I recommend that you tell him that you don't love it when some of his friends are over, but that you don't let it bother you because you know he is having a good time. Invite your husband to extend the same courtesy to you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I believe I am due a promotion at my job, but I think I'm the only one who thinks so. I have been there for five years, and I have watched several people get promoted in front of me. Whenever I have said anything about it, I get the brushoff. The last time I spoke to my boss, he said that the reason I didn't get the latest promotion is because I have a bad attitude. Is that a legitimate reason to be passed over? I can't help it at this point. I am so angry that they don't see my potential, but I can't figure out what else I can do to prove it to them. Is it time for me to look for another job? I'm so frustrated. -- Pulling Out My Hair, Baltimore

DEAR PULLING OUT MY HAIR: It is time for you to listen closely to your boss and your peers. If you have been passed over repeatedly, it cannot be everybody else's issue. You have some responsibility. Review your behavior. Note specific incidents when your behavior has been questionable. Consider how you might have handled the situation differently.

Request a meeting with your boss to discuss your future. Ask for candid feedback and guidance on what you can do to improve your skills and your chances for promotion. Be mindful not to bring up other co-workers and their progress. Keep your focus on yourself. Get as much advice as you can from your boss about strategies to be more successful at your company. I highly recommend that you work on yourself at your current job, if at all possible. If and when you leave, let it be with skills that you have cultivated that make you more marketable. Resist the emotional reactions that can easily cause you to be fired or be limited in growth at your current job. Stay calm and continue to learn and grow.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family gets substantial financial aid from my children's school. We are grateful, especially since it didn't start out that way. We paid full tuition at first, but when I lost my job, everything shifted. I used to be involved in lots of activities at the school, but now I wonder if I should continue. I don't know if other families know that we get financial aid. I don't want to be embarrassed by our situation. Should I just stay quiet, or do you think it makes sense to stay involved? -- On the Dole, Stamford, Connecticut

DEAR ON THE DOLE: You must change your mindset. There is no need for shame in getting financial aid. It exists to support families who need it. There should be no stigma attached to you or your family as a result of it, and chances are that has only happened in your head. By all means, continue to be active in the parent body. Your presence should be as appreciated as any other parent's. It takes your belief in your value and that of your family in order for that to manifest!

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A group of my girlfriends have invited me to go on a trip with them to a spa. It sounds like a lot of fun, but I haven't done anything like that since I got married two years ago. I have spent pretty much every weekend with my husband, at least when he is at home. He sometimes travels for work, so I like to be at home when he is here. I feel strange considering going away with the girls now that I am married. Two of my girlfriends are also married, and they say they have been doing this trip for years. They say their husbands think it's a good idea. I haven't mentioned it to my husband yet. How do you think I should go about bringing it up? I have no idea what he will say. I don't want him to think that I don't want to be with him if I want to go on this trip. It is for a long weekend, by the way. -- Torn, Syracuse, New York

DEAR TORN: It is lovely that you are being considerate of your husband's feelings as you think about going on a weekend trip with your girlfriends. I also believe you are overthinking the situation. Many women take spa trips together. It can be a fun and relaxing activity. Rather than belaboring the point, tell your husband about the invitation from your friends. Say that you want to go, and ask for his blessing. You may be surprised at his response. Chances are great that he will be happy for you to enjoy your friends in that way.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I belong to a prestigious women's organization that does a lot of work for families and children. On paper, it looks like a great group. In reality, I feel like I'm volunteering for an organization that bickers most of the time, and what's left they try to get work done. They are driving me crazy. Because I see how things work, I volunteered to head a committee. What I didn't expect is that I would be working by myself. Hardly any of the women actually helped out at all. I don't want to quit the group, but I'm worried that I am going to blow a gasket either by overworking myself or sitting around seeing nothing get done. Help! -- Too Many Alpha Girls, Detroit

DEAR TOO MANY ALPHA GIRLS: It is common in any organization for a few people to do the lion's share of the work. Yes, that can be frustrating. It can be doubly difficult when the group assembled is a collection of leaders. It can seem like that image of too many cooks in the kitchen. Who is actually there to do the legwork? If you want to stay in the organization, you may want to run for a leadership role where you have the authority to suggest strongly that members each take an active role in some aspect of the infrastructure. Roles can be crafted small enough to be manageable for busy people. If the tasks are clearly defined, it may be easier for members to participate.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)