Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR HARRIETTE: My son owns a nightclub in our town, which he has owned for a few years already. My wife and I have never gone, primarily because we do not "party." We are churchgoing people, and we don't really think he should have gotten involved in this club in the first place. He assures us that it is tasteful. He calls it a lounge, but I know they serve alcohol, which means it could be trouble in our book. How can we support our son without compromising our belief that you shouldn't get involved in such things? -- Drawing a Line, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR DRAWING A LINE: Your son has got to know already how you feel about his choice of owning a lounge. Unless he is regularly inviting you to come visit, that aspect of your question is probably not relevant. What he likely would appreciate is your blessing that he has a business and is attempting to make it successful in the community. Not all establishments that serve alcohol become sources of trouble, as you put it. There are many lounges and other types of establishments that are elegant, efficient, successful and respectable. His may be one of them.

Rather than judging your son based on something you haven't even seen, talk to him about his business. Learn about his strategy for success. You can remind him that his choice is beyond your area of interest, but add that you love him and want him to be successful.

DEAR HARRIETTE: How do you end a friendship? I have this so-called friend from my high school who has been mean to me for long enough. She will act like she's my friend, but then talk about me behind my back. I am so sick of her. I can't trust her anymore, even though she will try to beg me to be her friend again right after she might have been talking about me like a dog to another group of girls. I can't stand it. What should I do? -- Fed Up, Queens, New York

DEAR FED UP: You are smart to notice that someone does not deserve to be your friend if she treats you in a mean way -- at all. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. You can decide that you are finished with her and stop engaging her. When she begs for your forgiveness, you can tell her you forgive her, but you do not want to be her friend anymore. You can evaluate your friend group to notice who really cares about you, preferably people who are not affiliated with her. Often, people who behave in a bullying manner attempt to convince other friends to align with them. Do your best to select friends outside her friend group.

Most important: Don't keep this to yourself. Tell your teacher, your guidance counselor, your principal and your parents. Mean girls unfortunately run rampant in high schools, but that doesn't mean you have to accept that behavior. Ask for help so that you know that you are not alone! Stay strong.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I will be married 15 years this May. He asked me the other day if I would like to renew our vows on our wedding day. He said he has been thinking about it a lot and wanted to give us enough time to make the arrangements and figure out who we want to invite. He is so excited about the idea -- but I am not. I am bored and frustrated in our marriage. Honestly, I have been thinking about whether I even want to stay married. I am hardly interested in doing it all over again. How do I break this to him? -- Not So Sure, Rochester, New York

DEAR NOT SO SURE: Could it be that your husband wants to marry you again so that you can rekindle your bond? He may also realize that things have gotten stale at home. Rather than deciding to walk away, though, he's choosing to reclaim your love and strengthen your bond.

Tell your husband about your doubts and concerns. Be honest about how you feel about your marriage -- what is working and what is not. Admit that you do not think that your marriage is strong. Ask him to go to counseling with you now. Perhaps you can rediscover your love and affection for each other with professional help. Tell him that for now you are not ready to renew your vows, but you are willing to figure out if your relationship is worth saving.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My kids are already lobbying for what we will do when their spring break comes around again. They go to a school where some kids go to Europe, and many go somewhere far away. We have never been able to afford that, but this year they are hoping that since they asked early, maybe it will happen. We would like to be able to take a family vacation, but I'm not sure how we will be able to afford a big trip for four people. How can we manage their expectations? -- Planning a Trip, Cleveland

DEAR PLANNING A TRIP: Rather than assuming that you cannot afford a family trip, do some research. Look for travel deals on any of the various travel websites. Compare costs to see what may be affordable. Look for packages that include room and board, hotel or cruise line and transportation. Sometimes, those packages help to drive the cost down. You may also want to consider a driving trip. Driving to distant parts of this country can be lots of fun, and educational, too. You can map out a trip that is filled with adventures that all of you will love and does not have to break the bank.

Your children were smart to ask you to think about this in advance. Follow their lead and design a family vacation that everyone will love.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that my little cousin is gay. He called me the other day to tell me, and he also said that he hasn't told his parents. He is 20, and he just now figured it out. He has had girlfriends here and there, but this year he fell for a man and realized this is what he wants. He said he felt comfortable telling me because he knows I won't judge him, but he is scared silly to tell his parents -- they can be very judgmental. He asked me not to tell them. He also asked me for advice on what he should do now. I really don't know. I want him to be happy, but I can't tell him how to live his life. What advice can I give him so he can feel settled? -- Supportive Cousin, New York City

DEAR SUPPORTIVE COUSIN: You can start by thanking your cousin for telling you about his life and for trusting you. You can tell him that you can imagine how difficult it must be to be dealing with his feelings and sorting through his understanding of his sexual identity. Recommend that he get counseling support from a professional who should have much deeper insights into how to manage talking to his family when it is time. Visit community.pflag.org/page.aspx?pid=536 for more information.

Stay in touch with your cousin as he grows into adulthood. And definitely keep his confidence. When he is ready, he is the one who should share his story with others.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met two young men who were very well-dressed. As we passed each other on the street, we said hello. Then one of them asked if we could speak for a moment. That's when I noticed the cigarette in his hand. He went to shake my hand by transferring the cigarette from one hand to the next. Then he extended his hand. For a moment, I wasn't sure what to do. I did not want to shake that smoky hand, but I also didn't want to be rude. I shook his hand, but I was a bit miffed, so I asked him why he was smoking. I know that I hadn't met him before, but he looked like a smart, fashionable young guy. I couldn't figure out why he would put himself at risk like that. He just shrugged his shoulders and kept chatting. Am I wrong to ask that question? And more, do I have to shake someone's hand that just held a cigarette? -- Up in Smoke, Dallas

DEAR UP IN SMOKE: First of all, while it is common practice to shake hands when you meet someone, you can refuse to extend your hand if someone had a cigarette in it moments before. Know that it will seem awkward and you probably will have to explain your action.

Second, understand that smoking is highly addictive. Many people try it because it seems cool -- even today -- and they get hooked quickly. Good for you that you asked the young man why he was smoking. It is possible that you could have gotten him to reconsider this action. But if he is hooked, it will take a whole lot more than a compassionate observer for him to turn the corner.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)