DEAR HARRIETTE: Whenever my wife gets upset, she goes out in the backyard and works in her garden. I get that it is therapeutic for her, but it can be frustrating for me. I mean, I want her to be able to talk about whatever the issue is. Don't most women like to talk about stuff? She is totally different. She shuts down and plants flowers or a tree or something. How can I get her to stay inside and talk to me? We've been married only a couple of years, and I'm worried that we won't make it if we never talk about our disagreements. I love her and want to figure it out. -- Make It Work, Silver Spring, Maryland

DEAR MAKE IT WORK: Consider a new strategy. Give her some space at first, and then join her in the garden. Without talking, be together working the earth. Get into her groove. Pay attention to how she behaves while you are in her space. Don't crowd her. Just be with her.

At another time, ask her if she will talk to you. Tell her you are concerned that the two of you have not figured out a way to argue and make up after. Explain that you love her dearly and that you want to grow together as a couple. That means that you need to discover a way to work through disagreements, arguments and other difficulties that you may face. You believe that talking about whatever is going on is important. Ask her if she would be willing to try to talk through things with you. You can come up with a strategy together. For example, you might agree to take some time to cool off and then get together to talk. If she likes your help in the garden, maybe you can agree to work silently there for a while and then come inside to talk. When you do talk, do not yell. Work hard to be kind to each other even as you address your grievances.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband came home and told me that he wants to get a divorce. Just like that. He said he didn't like being married anymore and wanted to call it quits. I was floored. I didn't see it coming at all. We have been married for 10 years, and everything seemed pretty normal. I don't know what to do. I don't want my marriage to be over, but I can't make him love me if he says he doesn't. -- Save My Marriage, Denver

DEAR SAVE MY MARRIAGE: If you can get your husband to talk to you at all, ask him what's going on. Find out if he has a girlfriend. Inquire as to when his feelings changed and why. Ask him if he would be willing to go to therapy with you to see if it's possible to repair your bond. Tell him you believe in the bond of marriage and do not want to give up so quickly. Ask him if he will give it one more try. Pay attention so that you are clear about his reaction.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into a woman I've grown very fond of in recent years. Between work and taking care of my family, I had not seen her for quite some time. I realize that I hardly get to see any of my friends. We talk on the phone but don't get together much. When I saw this woman, she greeted me in a standoffish way, saying, "You don't love me. I haven't seen you in a year." I hugged her anyway and said that it was great to see her. But she continued to try to make me feel bad for not getting together with her sooner. Honestly, I just wanted to walk away. Why not just be in the present? We saw each other and that was great for me, but not for her. How do you handle a situation like that? -- Needy Friend, Detroit

DEAR NEEDY FRIEND: Chances are the woman in question does not have as busy a life as you, so your absence from her life feels greater than it does to you. You did the right thing by not falling into her trap of trying to make you feel guilty for not being more attentive to her.

If she is a friend whom you want to keep close, you may need to rethink what you can manage to do that will make her feel happy about your friendship. That could mean creating a standing date once a quarter or so when you get together, either the two of you or a small group of mutual friends. If she is not someone you choose to keep in your inner circle, just remain gracious.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother started dating a man this year, and he is very nice, but it's kind of hard for my siblings and me to be around him. Our father was such an important fixture in our lives. He died five years ago. He and my mom were married for more than 40 years. I know we should be happy that our mother found someone who makes her happy, but it feels impossible. He is not our dad. I think I resent the fact that he is even trying to make moves on my mom. Am I crazy for having these feelings? None of us live with her. She is on her own. She says she's just having a nice time, going to dinner and such. I know she wants our approval. I feel bad, but I don't want to give it. What should I do? -- Missing Daddy, Jackson, Missippi

DEAR MISSING DADDY: Your mother deserves to create her own happiness. She is a grown woman, a widow who has allowed a more than respectable amount of to time pass since your father died. While it may make you uncomfortable that she has a suitor, it is her business. You must find it in your heart to give her your blessing to pursue happiness on her own terms. Your job for yourself is to continue to love your mother and your father, as you also accept that your father is gone.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into an old flame at a black-tie dinner, and boy did he look good! It has been some years since we dated, but to look at him, it's almost as if the hands of time turned backward. I know I sound like a smitten schoolgirl, but that's because it's how I felt! Honestly, he took my breath away. Even better, he was so nice to me, and he even asked me to have coffee with him. So now I'm nearly hyperventilating. I really loved him years ago, but we were too young to think about commitment. We broke up on friendly terms, but I have no idea what his life has been like since. I have been married and divorced. I have two teenage children. While he looks delectable, I am a little overweight. I guess I'm feeling kind of insecure about going out with him. How can I be more confident? -- Twice Smitten, Denver

DEAR TWICE SMITTEN: Take a deep breath and calm yourself down. Focus your attention on yourself for a few minutes. Remind yourself of your value. You have two teenage children of whom you must be proud. What else makes you proud? What kind of person would you say you are? What are your qualities? Make a list of your attributes.

Then remember that this man invited you to coffee. You didn't beg him to ask you out. He must see something in you that interests him, even if it is just as a friend. Rather than reading too much into this invitation, just go. Be your pleasant self and see what happens. Get to know each other again. Choose to talk about the positive things in your life. Ask him to tell you about his life. Rekindle your friendship. Take it slowly. Most important, stay grounded in knowing that you are worthy of this man's interest and affection. You must stand in your own power, though, in order to appear worthy. Let go of the fluttering heart. Be still and strong.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, my husband started smoking cigarettes. I was shocked. Not only do we all know how bad smoking is for your health, but I have asthma. I cannot be in the same room as somebody who is smoking. It sends me into a coughing fit. I don't know what got into my husband. He has been under a lot of stress at work, but this? When I asked him about it, he shrugged me off. I have to do something to get him to stop. I cannot live in the same house as cigarette smoke. Help. -- Can't Breathe, Dallas

DEAR CAN'T BREATHE: Sit down with your husband and ask him what's going on. Try to get him to tell you details about the stress he is under. Do your best to be compassionate as you listen.

Tell him that as much as you love him and want to support him, you also need him to support you. Make it crystal-clear that you cannot live in a home with cigarette smoke. Tell him that you hope he will stop smoking and that he must not smoke at home again. If necessary, ask your doctor to explain to him that his cigarette smoke could literally kill you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)