DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into a woman I've grown very fond of in recent years. Between work and taking care of my family, I had not seen her for quite some time. I realize that I hardly get to see any of my friends. We talk on the phone but don't get together much. When I saw this woman, she greeted me in a standoffish way, saying, "You don't love me. I haven't seen you in a year." I hugged her anyway and said that it was great to see her. But she continued to try to make me feel bad for not getting together with her sooner. Honestly, I just wanted to walk away. Why not just be in the present? We saw each other and that was great for me, but not for her. How do you handle a situation like that? -- Needy Friend, Detroit

DEAR NEEDY FRIEND: Chances are the woman in question does not have as busy a life as you, so your absence from her life feels greater than it does to you. You did the right thing by not falling into her trap of trying to make you feel guilty for not being more attentive to her.

If she is a friend whom you want to keep close, you may need to rethink what you can manage to do that will make her feel happy about your friendship. That could mean creating a standing date once a quarter or so when you get together, either the two of you or a small group of mutual friends. If she is not someone you choose to keep in your inner circle, just remain gracious.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother started dating a man this year, and he is very nice, but it's kind of hard for my siblings and me to be around him. Our father was such an important fixture in our lives. He died five years ago. He and my mom were married for more than 40 years. I know we should be happy that our mother found someone who makes her happy, but it feels impossible. He is not our dad. I think I resent the fact that he is even trying to make moves on my mom. Am I crazy for having these feelings? None of us live with her. She is on her own. She says she's just having a nice time, going to dinner and such. I know she wants our approval. I feel bad, but I don't want to give it. What should I do? -- Missing Daddy, Jackson, Missippi

DEAR MISSING DADDY: Your mother deserves to create her own happiness. She is a grown woman, a widow who has allowed a more than respectable amount of to time pass since your father died. While it may make you uncomfortable that she has a suitor, it is her business. You must find it in your heart to give her your blessing to pursue happiness on her own terms. Your job for yourself is to continue to love your mother and your father, as you also accept that your father is gone.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I ran into an old flame at a black-tie dinner, and boy did he look good! It has been some years since we dated, but to look at him, it's almost as if the hands of time turned backward. I know I sound like a smitten schoolgirl, but that's because it's how I felt! Honestly, he took my breath away. Even better, he was so nice to me, and he even asked me to have coffee with him. So now I'm nearly hyperventilating. I really loved him years ago, but we were too young to think about commitment. We broke up on friendly terms, but I have no idea what his life has been like since. I have been married and divorced. I have two teenage children. While he looks delectable, I am a little overweight. I guess I'm feeling kind of insecure about going out with him. How can I be more confident? -- Twice Smitten, Denver

DEAR TWICE SMITTEN: Take a deep breath and calm yourself down. Focus your attention on yourself for a few minutes. Remind yourself of your value. You have two teenage children of whom you must be proud. What else makes you proud? What kind of person would you say you are? What are your qualities? Make a list of your attributes.

Then remember that this man invited you to coffee. You didn't beg him to ask you out. He must see something in you that interests him, even if it is just as a friend. Rather than reading too much into this invitation, just go. Be your pleasant self and see what happens. Get to know each other again. Choose to talk about the positive things in your life. Ask him to tell you about his life. Rekindle your friendship. Take it slowly. Most important, stay grounded in knowing that you are worthy of this man's interest and affection. You must stand in your own power, though, in order to appear worthy. Let go of the fluttering heart. Be still and strong.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, my husband started smoking cigarettes. I was shocked. Not only do we all know how bad smoking is for your health, but I have asthma. I cannot be in the same room as somebody who is smoking. It sends me into a coughing fit. I don't know what got into my husband. He has been under a lot of stress at work, but this? When I asked him about it, he shrugged me off. I have to do something to get him to stop. I cannot live in the same house as cigarette smoke. Help. -- Can't Breathe, Dallas

DEAR CAN'T BREATHE: Sit down with your husband and ask him what's going on. Try to get him to tell you details about the stress he is under. Do your best to be compassionate as you listen.

Tell him that as much as you love him and want to support him, you also need him to support you. Make it crystal-clear that you cannot live in a home with cigarette smoke. Tell him that you hope he will stop smoking and that he must not smoke at home again. If necessary, ask your doctor to explain to him that his cigarette smoke could literally kill you.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: A friend of mine wanted to give me a tie as a gift, but I did not accept it because of the design. She was taken aback because of my answer, and I think I hurt her feelings in the process. Do you think I am a snob because I did not like the style of the tie? -- Fashion Forward, Jackson, Mississippi

DEAR FASHION FORWARD: I think you were incredibly insensitive to your friend. What was important was that she wanted to give you a gift. You could have accepted the gift, thanked her for it and let that be that. Later, if she were to ask you why you haven't worn the tie, you could then tell her that as much as you appreciate her thoughtfulness and generosity, the tie was not really your style. A delayed reality check would at least have afforded her the opportunity to know fully that you appreciate her thinking of you and wanting to give you something.

In this case, you may want to double back to her to apologize for not being sensitive to her feelings. Remind her of your gratitude for her good intentions.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am taking 16 credits this semester, and my professors suggest that I should devote 10 hours a week per class toward studying. That is 40 hours a week, and I do not have that amount of free time on my hands. I also have a full-time job. What are some ways that I can maximize my study time while still being engaged with my prior commitments? -- Too Many Irons in the Fire, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR TOO MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE: Block out your time hour-by-hour so that you know exactly what your responsibilities are from moment to moment. You have to become an expert at being fully present in each moment so that you can fulfill the duties at hand. In other words, when it is time to work, you work with complete focus. When it's time to study, do that with singular focus.

From an overview perspective, look carefully to see if you can carve out the 10 hours per class needed by getting up earlier or staying up later. If you cannot figure out how to find the time, you may either want to reduce your work hours or reduce your credit load. What you don't want to have happen is that you fail at both work and school because you are spreading yourself too thin.

Be strategic about your plans so that you figure out how to win. This may require you to talk to your boss upfront to explain your situation and ask for support. If you don't want to lose your job, you should ask if you can renegotiate hours during this semester. Being proactive will likely be inspiring to your boss, and if there is a way for your boss to be supportive, chances are that you will get that help.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)