life

Reader Questioning Marriage to Man She Knew for a Month

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 1st, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I married a man after only knowing him for one month! We met in May 2012, and we got married in June 2012. It was a lot of fun at first, but lately I don't like being married to him at all. After only two years, I am ready to call it quits, but deep down I want to save my marriage. Do you have any tips on how I can do that? -- Ran to the Altar, Chicago

DEAR RAN TO THE ALTAR: You two need to slow down, look each other in the face and talk openly about your relationship. Clearly, something attracted you to each other enough for you to take the leap to formalize your commitment. Revisit those early days. What was it that you liked about him? Ask him what he liked about you.

Next, look at how you have lived your life. Did you make a plan for what you wanted to do together? Did you have an idea of how you wanted your marriage to unfold? Many people do not, and then somewhere along the way, they figure out that they need to set an intention together for the future. Before you throw in the proverbial towel, talk to your husband about what you think is not working, and ask him if he is willing to work with you to strengthen your bond. Give yourselves a chance to consciously build your marriage.

Marriage & DivorceLove & Dating
life

Reader Doesn't Want To Start Drinking

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | October 1st, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I drink an alcoholic beverage about four times a year. I am scared because I feel like I may binge the next time I drink. I do not want that to happen to me because I do not like the feeling of being drunk. What can I do to ensure I will not fall off the wagon in the future? -- Cautious Drinker, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR CAUTIOUS DRINKER: Ask yourself the tough questions. Why do you drink so infrequently? Is it because you do not really like to drink, or is it because you are afraid that you cannot control your drinking? If it is the latter, you are better off just not drinking at all. Clearly, you have the ability to resist the temptation to drink, given how infrequently you do it. You may just want to commit to the notion of not including alcoholic beverages on your consumption list.

If you do not think it is a problem, you can avoid getting drunk by eating before drinking and limiting your alcoholic intake to one or two drinks. People tend to get drunk when they don't monitor their consumption. Being cautious is wise.

A few ways to practice being cautious when you are at a social function include: getting hydrated before you arrive at the event, drinking water in between drinks, staying away from the bar, talking to people in other areas of the room and not accepting a drink when offered. If you do not want to drink at all, you can let your friends know that you will be the designated driver for the evening. That will prompt them not to offer you drinks.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

AddictionHealth & Safety
life

Neighbor's Eviction Causes Guilt

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 30th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that one of my neighbors is about to be evicted. She and her family have lived in my building for generations. They are among the few who are left of the old guard, so to speak. I don't know what happened to make it so they haven't been able to pay their rent, nor is it my business. But if it is really true, I feel like I want to reach out to the family matriarch and see how she's doing. I don't know how much they owe, but I wish I could do something to help. How can I approach her without offending her? -- Reaching Out, Bronx, New York

DEAR REACHING OUT: You have to be careful here, because this woman's business is not yours. Plus, you may not have the resources to help her. If she really is being evicted in New York City, where the laws generously favor the tenant, it is likely that she owes a significant amount of money.

You can approach your neighbor by saying you wanted to check in on her to see how she's doing. Inquire about her and her family. Tell her you have been thinking about her and wanted to let her know that she is on your mind. Listen to what she has to say. There's a good chance she won't mention eviction. If she doesn't, you should not either. Just be present and kind to her. Let her take it from there.

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Chatterbox Employee Should Be Put In Leadership Role

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 30th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my employees is way too talkative. He comes to work with a pleasant attitude, which I appreciate. But he also comes with stories, and for the first half-hour or so, he feels compelled to chat up whoever is around him. I recognize the need for some social interaction on the job, but we are a small firm and we have a ton of work to do. How can I curb his chattiness without dashing his spirits? -- Put a Plug in It, Detroit

DEAR PUT A PLUG IN IT: This fellow probably considers himself a leader. He prides himself on having a good attitude and connecting with the team. Draw on that aspect of his personality. Meet privately with him and thank him for his positive attitude. Point out that you consider him a strong presence on your team and that you believe other team members often follow his lead. To that end, tell him that you need him to manage his storytelling to ensure that everybody gets to work more quickly. Let him know that you have noticed that he enjoys sharing stories of his life, and that's OK for about five minutes. After that, you need him to direct the conversation to work-related topics. Tell him he can be a tremendous help to you in upping the group's productivity because he is a leader in your organization. Invite him to help you get the team to work.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Etiquette & EthicsWork & School
life

Neighbor's Party Causes Tension in Building

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 29th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to a small party in my building and had a great time visiting with neighbors. As I left, I saw another neighbor coming into our building, and she immediately wanted to know where I had been and what I had been doing. I attempted to dodge her questions because she knows the host of the party, and I figured she would be hurt that she wasn't invited -- even though it was a small party and it was his choice not to invite her. She figured it out and asked me for his phone number so that she could call him and curse him out. I did not give it to her, and she got really mad. What should I have done differently in that situation? -- In a Pickle, Washington, D.C.

DEAR IN A PICKLE: The general rule is to enjoy yourself wherever you go and keep the experience to yourself. This is true for the very reason that you just experienced. Of course, people have the right to invite whomever they choose to their parties. But it is also common for others to get their feelings hurt if they feel left out.

In this situation, you could have not acknowledged where you had been. Even though your uninvited neighbor was prying, you did not have to divulge your whereabouts. You could have remained evasive. Then she could only guess as to whether your mutual friend had indeed hosted a party.

To the neighbor who felt slighted, I would add that she should not take things so personally. As an adult, she should know that people have the authority to choose who comes to their homes, just as she does. Not choosing her this time does not mean she is not liked. It means she was not invited this time.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Childless Guest May Not Have Wanted To Talk

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | September 29th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I went to an event where there were a lot of young children, and the moms talked a lot about caring for kids. It was a lot of fun. I noticed, however, that one of the women there was sitting off to the side. I went over to her to chat. I asked her if she would like to join the conversation on the other side of the room, and she declined. She is not a mother and said it made her uncomfortable. I stayed and talked to her for a while before going back to the group where I had been. I saw that she pretty much kept to herself all evening, even after the conversation changed and people moved around. How could we have made this woman feel more welcome? -- Observant Partygoer, Chicago

DEAR OBSERVANT PARTYGOER: You did the right thing by going over to check on the guest who was by herself. Talking to her and welcoming her into your friend group was thoughtful. It may be that she is shy. Some people find it difficult to join conversations or mingle in a group of strangers. She may have sensitivity to not being a mother.

It would be impossible for you to know why she was somewhat reclusive. You did the right thing. Others could have reached out to her as well throughout the evening, too.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Friends & NeighborsEtiquette & Ethics

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