DEAR HARRIETTE: I broke up with my ex-boyfriend two years ago, but we kept the lines of communications open. We go out from time to time, and I still like him. Recently, he told me that he is planning to move to San Francisco, and he asked me if I would be interested in joining him. I am not too sure I would want to move across the country because I already moved from Virginia to New York City to be with my former fiance, and I promised myself that I would not move for another man unless we were married. How do I tell my ex that I will not be going to San Francisco with him? I still like him. -- Torn, Queens, New York

DEAR TORN: I want you to take a deep breath and then think seriously about what is happening in your life. Consider this ex-boyfriend. What do you like about him? Why are you two still friends? Do you still have feelings for him? Would you like to be married to him? If you think that he is the man for you, let him know. Rather than saying you will not be going with him to San Francisco, tell him the truth: You would love to go with him -- as his wife. Explain that as much as you care for him and would like to build a relationship with him, you are unwilling to "play house," so to speak, by moving 3,000 miles away without first making the bigger commitment of becoming life partners.

From that declaration, you can then begin to have a real conversation about the future, about each of your hopes and dreams and about whether your goals and hearts can mesh.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My mother's birthday is on 9/11. Ever since the Twin Towers fell, she has not wanted to celebrate at all. She has gotten melancholy and out of it. I don't mean to diminish what 9/11 meant in any way, but I do think that my mom needs to find ways to celebrate her own life. My siblings and I have honored her wishes by not planning a party or anything, but we want to figure out something we can do for her to make her smile on this day next year. What do you recommend? -- Loving Mom, Baltimore

DEAR LOVING MOM: Each year on the 9/11 anniversary, we pause collectively as a country and remember those tragic events. It is understandable that your mother would find it difficult to be light and cheerful in the midst of such a somber time. And yet, you are right. It is important for her to acknowledge her life and to celebrate her own vibrancy.

One practice that you may want to consider for next year is to create a weeklong celebration. Rather than singling out the one day that is cloaked in so much emotion, start earlier in the week and do something special for your mother each day. The activities can be simple and small or vary in size -- from beauty treatments with a small group of friends to lunch at a favorite restaurant, a group walk in the park or a home-cooked meal at a friend or family member's house.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a problem. I used to be a smoker; then I quit. Now every time my friends come over, they start smoking. Then they always offer me a cigarette, which I refuse. Then they call me a chicken, so I take them because I don't want to be called a chicken. Now I'm back to my same old habit again. It gets so frustrating. I can't go on like this, so could you please help? -- Helpless, Pittsburgh

DEAR HELPLESS: Your habit is actually a proven addiction, and addictions are incredibly difficult to wrestle away. This is why it is typically recommended that when people are attempting to shake an addiction, they become extremely sensitive to people, places and things. Ideally, you should avoid any triggers that may make it easy for you to slip back into unhealthy behavior.

What this means is that, for now, you should limit your time with friends who smoke. Since these friends are unwilling to respect your effort to quit by not smoking around you, your job is to avoid them, at least for now. That they taunt you by calling you "chicken" is simply mean-spirited. You cannot afford to spend time with anyone who is deliberately trying to humiliate you because you are choosing to kick the habit of smoking. For suggestions on how to make a quit plan that can work, visit smokefree.gov/quit-plan.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I invited my cousin to join me and some friends for drinks the other night. Almost immediately, she started flirting with one of my friends, and it was a little awkward. This guy is married, as are most of my friends. My cousin is not. I hadn't thought to mention this to her, and then the two of them connected before I could intervene. I realize they are both adults, but I want no one in my family possibly breaking up my friend's marriage. Should I say something to her about leaving this guy alone? Obviously, it takes two to do anything, but, again, I don't want her to think that it's OK for her to be half of such a situation that involves my friends. What should I say to her? -- Off-Limits, Cincinnati

DEAR OFF-LIMITS: While you cannot control your cousin, or anybody else for that matter, you can state your case. You can sit her down and tell her that you brought her into your friend group because you trust her. Part of that trust includes your expectation that she behave in a respectful manner. Without trying to come off like her mother, be upfront about what you mean. Tell her that you saw her flirting with your friend who is a married man and that you want her to stop. Make it clear that you do not want her involved in any activity that is immoral, and that includes the possibility of adultery. Jar her into thinking about the consequences of pursuing anything further with this man. Describe how it could derail trust in your friend group.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my employees has formally complained about me at least twice in recent weeks. My human resources director informed me. It's odd, because she has never said anything to me about her issues with me. I am a big believer in being direct in my communication with my team. Should I say something to her about this, even though she didn't tell me? -- To the Point, Chicago

DEAR TO THE POINT: Go back to your human resources director and learn more about your employee's concerns. Find out what her complaints are so that you can assess what the issues are and how you might address them. Ask your H.R. director for any insights that may help you to navigate this challenge effectively. Also, find out if it is OK for you to go back to your employee to discuss this issue. Sometimes, people bring their concerns to H.R. and ask for them to remain confidential. Be in alignment with your H.R. director before you go to this employee.

With consensus, go back to the employee in question, and ask her to share her concerns with you directly. Your goal here is to build a better rapport with her so that you two can work out your differences without the need for mediation. Let her know that you understand she is dissatisfied with particular aspects of your leadership style. Talk it out if you can, and come up with a plan that allows the two of you to feel at ease moving forward.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I participated in a webinar the other day about financial fitness and realized that if I don't do something dramatic, I am going to be in trouble when it comes time for me to retire. I have extremely limited resources, so I don't think I can afford a fancy financial planner like was mentioned during this course. What can I do now when my pennies are limited but my eyes are open to the reality of my pathetic financial future? -- Stop Being Broke, Syracuse, New York

DEAR STOP BEING BROKE: I recently spoke with a financial adviser from Prudential, ShirleyAnn Robertson, who broke it down simply. She explained that everyone can use a financial adviser; you don't have to wait to be wealthy to get one. In fact, you have a much better chance of building wealth if you have a professional who knows about money management helping to guide your financial steps.

The mistake that many people make is what you described: They are often too embarrassed to ask for help. You made a good first effort by participating in the financial webinar. Next, go to your bank or another financial institution and get a consultation with someone about your specific financial profile. Find someone who will work with you wherever you are financially. Do not be afraid to ask.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)