DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend is four months pregnant. She is happy about it, kind of, but she is a party girl at heart, and she's having a hard time changing her ways. She still goes out every weekend and parties hard, like coming home after 3 a.m. It's crazy. Plus, she still drinks alcohol and smokes cigarettes. I can't believe what I see when I'm with her. When I have mentioned that she should stop, she just gets mad at me. How can I convince her to make smarter choices? I would hate to see her either kill her baby or compromise its health. What can I do? -- Just Say No, Chicago

DEAR JUST SAY NO: While you cannot control your friend, you can choose to speak to her at a time when she may be able to hear you better. That would not be in the club. Pick a time when she is sober. Ask her how she is doing and how she has been spending her time. Ask her how her most recent checkup went with the doctor. Probe a bit more and ask her if she has told her doctor that she smokes and drinks. This can easily spark an argument, so tread lightly. But tell her that you are very concerned about her baby's health. Ask her to consider stopping these bad habits -- at least until the baby is born.

Further, you can decide not to hang out with her when she is smoking and drinking. By choosing not to be in her company when she does these things, you are making it clear that you do not condone the behavior. It has been proven that smoking and drinking alcohol can cause birth defects, low birth weight, premature delivery and more. Show your friend reports on the effects of smoking and drinking on a growing baby. Here's one source: marchofdimes.com/pregnancy/alcohol-during-pregnancy.aspx.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been in love with my best friend for years, and while he loves me, it has never turned into anything. The other day I hung out with him and a friend of his who I didn't know, even though they have been close for a long time. I watched the electricity between them, and it was nuts. I felt so uncomfortable, but I also realized that he never looks at me like that. I guess I always knew he didn't love me like I love him. But what I witnessed was him lusting over this woman. I'm sad that he doesn't feel attracted to me in that way, but at least now I know what it looks like when he does feel that way. My feelings are hurt, but I think it's time for me to give up. How can I do that? -- Waving the Flag, Milwaukee

DEAR WAVING THE FLAG: Put yourself first. You deserve to be adored by the person you love. Lust is often short-lived, so I wouldn't recommend that as a principal desire, but love and adoration are important. Instead of keeping your heart focused on someone who is not interested in offering that to you, change your gaze. Look out and do your best to notice if there is anyone else out there who captures your attention.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I met a woman the other day who made me feel so sad. She has built what one can only describe as a perfect life. From a very early age she accepted the Lord, and then she followed his path. She has had a strong career and she even met the man of her dreams and married him well into her 40s. She had a baby in her mid-40s naturally. I am happy for her but sad for me. When I was young, I got involved in drugs and sex. I had a series of horrible relationships, didn't finish school and feel like a loser. I have a decent job today, but I wonder what my life would have been like if I had made different choices. I'm already in my mid-40s with hardly anything to show for it. I feel worthless. How can I turn my feelings around? I don't want to resent this woman who could be such an inspiration. -- Feeling Sorry for Myself, Salt Lake City

DEAR FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF: The Bible tells you not to covet what other people have -- for a reason. That behavior will never lead you to a good place. Instead of bemoaning your state when you think about hers, let her story motivate you. You are alive, so it is not too late to make more of your life. Take time to meditate on your dreams. What would you do with your life if given another chance? Think carefully about this. When you come up with an idea, write out steps that you believe it will take to get there. Do you need more education? To move to another city? To collaborate with others? What will it take? Step by step, you can change your life. Dream big and then take tiny steps to make your dream come true. And be sure to include public service throughout your journey. Helping others who need support will fill your heart and strengthen your soul.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My sister has started exercising like crazy. She used to be seriously overweight. While it is taking a while to come off, I can tell that it is working. But get this -- she exercises something like two hours per day. I don't have time for that. I work 10-hour days and then have to come home and cook dinner and take care of my family. She has a family, too, but I don't know if she has to do all of that. I run out of time. How can I possibly take her lead to fitness when I don't have time to do it? -- Too Busy for Me, Washington, D.C.

DEAR TOO BUSY FOR ME: Take a good, long look at your sister and ask her questions about how she is organizing her schedule. Chances are she has looked at her whole day and whole week and literally scheduled in her exercise routine, along with her work, cooking meals and caring for her family. You can do the same. Start with 30 minutes of self-care. Over time, build up to what you can manage. The point is to put yourself first. When you do that, amazingly you make room for all of the other important things in your life.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a school administrator with a very busy schedule. My assistant is what my mother used to call an "eager beaver." He is always asking me a thousand questions, but also he likes to chitchat. Every morning before anything else happens, he wants to talk about what he did the night before. Sometimes I can do that, and I comply because I know it makes him happy. But other times we have to get to work right away. I get that people operate differently. What makes one tick may not be the same as others. How can I teach my assistant to do his job even when it means he can't have his desires instantly satisfied? -- Getting Frustrated, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR GETTING FRUSTRATED: You are right that people respond to different cues. It is wise for you to have noticed that your assistant appreciates personal interaction before starting his day. That you offer it when you can is smart. It is also important for you to teach him about priorities and the rules of your office. You can be straightforward with him and tell him that you want to review how to manage your day. Acknowledge that you know he likes to chat first. Point out that this does not work every time. Instead, sometimes what is required is to be totally focused on the job and getting each task completed on time and efficiently. If time is left over, pleasantries can be shared. Be clear that there may be days when it is simply not possible to do the personal interaction. Let him know that when that happens, it is not personal. It is work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My grandmother died recently. In her will, she left me all kinds of trinkets and things that we used to play with when I was little. She did not leave much to my siblings, and she left none to their children. I feel embarrassed that she showered me with all of these things. I always knew she loved me, and we did spend a lot of time together, but still. I never expected to be singled out in such an uncomfortable way. I would like to share some of my bounty with my family, but I don't want to start an argument. Do you think it would be OK to make up gift packages for each one and send them individually to my family? I am afraid that if I invite them to come and choose, it will start all kinds of arguments. -- Tenderhearted, Chicago

DEAR TENDERHEARTED: When family members die, it is common for someone to be left out of the will and for others to get their feelings hurt. In your case, thank goodness for your generosity of spirit. Yes, it would be perfect to make individual gift boxes for each family member, including the children. Wrap them beautifully and add a note that they come with love from your grandmother. Then, even if relatives know that you were the recipient, they also know that you ended up being the responsible one who figured out how to share with everyone.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)