DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a school administrator with a very busy schedule. My assistant is what my mother used to call an "eager beaver." He is always asking me a thousand questions, but also he likes to chitchat. Every morning before anything else happens, he wants to talk about what he did the night before. Sometimes I can do that, and I comply because I know it makes him happy. But other times we have to get to work right away. I get that people operate differently. What makes one tick may not be the same as others. How can I teach my assistant to do his job even when it means he can't have his desires instantly satisfied? -- Getting Frustrated, Jersey City, New Jersey

DEAR GETTING FRUSTRATED: You are right that people respond to different cues. It is wise for you to have noticed that your assistant appreciates personal interaction before starting his day. That you offer it when you can is smart. It is also important for you to teach him about priorities and the rules of your office. You can be straightforward with him and tell him that you want to review how to manage your day. Acknowledge that you know he likes to chat first. Point out that this does not work every time. Instead, sometimes what is required is to be totally focused on the job and getting each task completed on time and efficiently. If time is left over, pleasantries can be shared. Be clear that there may be days when it is simply not possible to do the personal interaction. Let him know that when that happens, it is not personal. It is work.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My grandmother died recently. In her will, she left me all kinds of trinkets and things that we used to play with when I was little. She did not leave much to my siblings, and she left none to their children. I feel embarrassed that she showered me with all of these things. I always knew she loved me, and we did spend a lot of time together, but still. I never expected to be singled out in such an uncomfortable way. I would like to share some of my bounty with my family, but I don't want to start an argument. Do you think it would be OK to make up gift packages for each one and send them individually to my family? I am afraid that if I invite them to come and choose, it will start all kinds of arguments. -- Tenderhearted, Chicago

DEAR TENDERHEARTED: When family members die, it is common for someone to be left out of the will and for others to get their feelings hurt. In your case, thank goodness for your generosity of spirit. Yes, it would be perfect to make individual gift boxes for each family member, including the children. Wrap them beautifully and add a note that they come with love from your grandmother. Then, even if relatives know that you were the recipient, they also know that you ended up being the responsible one who figured out how to share with everyone.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was recently invited to an engagement party and wedding. I have known the couple for a while now, and I would like to attend their wedding. But there's one problem, I am not able to give them a gift at this time. Do I decline their invitations? Or do I tell them about my financial situation? -- The Reception, Brooklyn, New York

DEAR THE RECEPTION: I have great news for you! It is considered appropriate for a wedding guest to give a gift to the newly married couple any time within the first year. While many people do give right away, you have that space of time if you need it.

You may also want to get creative with your gift. Some friends choose to give loved ones an IOU for a homemade dinner at a later date. Others have offered creative services that are specific to their skills and of value to the newlyweds. This could include anything from landscaping support to dog walking. You can make a great experience for them that does not have to be cost prohibitive.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a friend who constantly complains about pretty much everything. She is currently focused on work. She runs a not-for-profit, and she says that her staff is inept. She is endlessly talking about each of these people horribly. I get that people can do a bad job, but if that really is the case, she should fire them. Whenever I say that, she gets mad and me and says she can't. I have no more support for her. I do not work in human resources, and I am tired of listening to all the negative stories. How can I get her to stop? If she keeps it up, I won't be able to stay in touch with her. -- Line in the Sand, Detroit

DEAR LINE IN THE SAND: People who have the habit of complaining easily get caught up in the energy of the complaint and can find it close to impossible to break free. This can often be true even when the complaints reflect negatively in their work and their social relationships. This seems to be the case with your friend. What is interesting is that managers can make smarter decisions when they view their staff holistically as opposed to through a negative lens.

Bringing this back to you, I suggest that you tell your friend that you are not an expert in her field. Recommend that she ask for support from her human resources department or from a mentor in your business who may be able to give her perspective on how to support her team. Meanwhile, you can also stop her when she brings up these people in the future. Tell her that you cannot help her with her situation. Ask her not to discuss it with you anymore. If she continues, you have to be ready to walk away. You may ultimately need to separate yourself from her for a while. To protect yourself, you should limit your interaction with extremely negative people.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am single mother of four, and my 15-year-old is out of control. He lives with my mother, has been arrested twice in the past year and is currently on probation for a year. My mother does not discipline him, nor does she make him do any chores. He is hanging out with the wrong crowd, and every time he gets into trouble I am the one who comes to his rescue. I am getting tired because I have three other children who need my attention. I need my mother to help me raise my son because I really need help with him. Please help. -- Confused and Worried Mom, Mineral Wells, Texas

DEAR CONFUSED AND WORRIED MOM: You have gotten yourself into an unmanageable situation for which you are responsible. After all, you are the mom of all of these children. Since your mother is not helping enough based on your son's needs, you have to make a shift. Find out if your mother would feel more comfortable helping you take care of one or more of your other children. Perhaps they are less volatile and would be easier for her to manage.

I recommend that you talk honestly with your mother about your predicament. Recommend that you swap your son for other children for the time being, and then bring your son home so that you can actively parent him. Use every moment that you can to talk to him about his choices and encourage him to make smarter ones. Do your best to enroll him in activities that will keep him off the street and away from any bad influences.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I don't like my friend's boyfriend because he and I were briefly romantically involved several years ago, and it did not end well. She keeps gushing about him and telling me intimate details of their relationship and sex life. I'm happy that she's happy, and I would love to hear all about their romance if the guy was anyone else. Is there any way that I can indicate that I don't want to hear all of the dirty details of their relationship without coming off as unsupportive or jealous? -- Hard to Cosign, Denver

DEAR HARD TO COSIGN: First of all, you do not have to listen to intimate details of anybody's sex life, even if the person is your best friend. Some information should be private. I am going to assume that your friend does not know that you once dated her guy. You do not necessarily have to tell her, especially since it is long over. You should not spoil her fun, either, by being a Debbie Downer.

You can either change the subject when she goes into romantic details, making it impossible for her to go on and on, or directly tell her that you do not want to hear so much detail. Suggest that she save some of her stories for just the two of them.

(Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)