life

News of Friend's Promotion Should Come From Friend

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 21st, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend told me that her husband was up for a huge job and not to say anything yet. Last time we talked about it, it sounded like a shoo-in. My husband and I are getting together with them soon, and in our texts to each other, I asked when he was going to be making his move. She ignored that question. Now it feels awkward. What if he didn't get the job after all? Do I say anything when we hang out together, or should I just let her say whatever she wants to tell us? Since she told us, I think she should close the loop. No? -- Want to Know, Chicago

DEAR WANT TO KNOW: This is why it's so much better for people to keep news to themselves until it is real. Of course people want to tell their friends what is going on in their lives, but then you are responsible for managing that information. Yes, your friend should tell you, either individually or when your two families are together, the status of her husband's job. She doesn't owe you an explanation, but out of respect for the initiation of the information, she should help to close the gap one way or another.

Still, you should not ask anymore. Instead, simply enjoy your time together. Ignore the elephant in the room. If you have already told your husband, implore him not to say anything. Let your friends reveal whatever they choose, which could be nothing at all. If that's the case, you will have to let it go.

Friends & NeighborsWork & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

Woman Wonders If It's Ok To Go To Even Without Husband

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 21st, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend invited my husband and me to attend an event with her. Her husband is choosing not to go because he isn't a fan of the activity. When I told my husband about it, he had the same response. I'm wondering if I should still go. It sounds like a lot of fun. My husband doesn't care either way, except that he isn't tagging along. Should I stay at home with him or join my friend for a fun time before summer is over? -- Should I Go? Jackson, Michigan

DEAR SHOULD I GO?: Since both husbands are not going and both have given their blessing for their wives to go, it is totally up to you to make the decision that makes you feel comfortable. You may want to find out more about who else may be joining your friend's group and who will be attending the event. Do your homework so that you are clear about what to expect.

If, after you have done due diligence, you believe it still sounds like a great time, go for it. Pay close attention while you are there so that you can share all of the highlights with your husband. You never know, you may be able to convince him to attend the next one!

Friends & NeighborsMarriage & Divorce
life

Mentorship Not All Reader Expected

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 20th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have worked with a lot of people over the years, but very few of them keep in touch. Sometimes it hurts my feelings that I am the one constantly calling or writing or emailing them, and they seem to blow me off. Much to my surprise, there is one young lady, my intern several years ago, who consistently stays in touch. She just visited with me for the second time this year. It feels like a mentor-mentee kind of relationship, which is really nice. But now I'm not sure what to do with it. It's odd. I always wanted the people to stick around, but I find myself at a loss for words sometimes as to what to talk about. Please help me understand how to be a good mentor. -- Mentor in Training, Newark, New Jersey

DEAR MENTOR IN TRAINING: Being a good mentor requires being a great listener. When you engage this woman, ask her about her hopes and dreams. Find out if she is facing stumbling blocks. Get her to talk about what's on her mind in her personal life and her career.

When you hear something you believe you can support her on, speak up and offer your wisdom. When you think you can introduce her to someone who may be able to help her cultivate her vision, set up that meeting. As a mentor, your role is to guide, inspire and speak truth to your mentee.

Work & School
life

Demanding Client Must Be Treated Carefully

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 20th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have gotten into a dispute with a client who always nickels and dimes me for every expense. When I, in turn, requested payment for the various little extras that have been asked of me over time, I got tremendous pushback. He reacted as if I was trying to pull a fast one or something. Absolutely not. I know that he is working within a tight budget, but that cannot translate into me not being paid for work completed unless it is agreed upon in advance that I would do it for free. How can I get this point across without him getting upset? -- What's Fair Is Fair, Shreveport, Louisiana

DEAR WHAT'S FAIR IS FAIR: It can be amazingly difficult to get simple points across to people who are stressed. In this case, your client may not be thinking clearly as he is trying to balance his books. What you may want to do is start itemizing your tasks and keeping track of each step in your process. If you show this to him, over time he will begin to see what goes into completing the work he has assigned to you.

When you finish a project, have a debriefing meeting with him where you discuss the logistics of the work and any discrepancies you feel there are regarding payment for your services. If he does not comply, you will have to decide if you want to work with him again. If you would like to continue the relationship, do your best to create a renewed agreement that incorporates additional fees that will cover the work you expect to do.

MoneyEtiquette & EthicsWork & School
life

Family Should Get Creative to Find Fun

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 19th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: It seems like everybody in my son's class has gone on vacation -- except for us. Both my husband and I have had to work each week of the summer, and we really could not afford to take a big trip. My son has had fun with his friends, but that is different from having a great story of adventure that's outside of what we do all the time. What can I do to make sure he has some good memories before school starts? -- Getting Creative, Bay City, Michigan

DEAR GETTING CREATIVE: Look in your local paper to learn about free activities in your town. Sometimes there are free live concerts that families can attend. Local museums may have free children's workshops. Do some digging to see what is happening. Then schedule it and make a big deal about the fact that your family is going to do this together.

You may also want to think about going away for a day or over a two-day weekend. It doesn't have to be far. You can find a nearby amusement park that your son would enjoy. Or look for a nature park you can explore together. Being with your son and doing something out of the ordinary are the most important things. Make sure he knows that you value this time together and that you want to have quality family time -- it will help him put his experience into context without feeling bad about not doing what his friends have done over the summer.

Family & ParentingMoney
life

Former Boss Doesn't Want To Offer Recommendation

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | August 19th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a former intern who reached out to me recently to ask if I would give her a recommendation for a job. The job she wants to get is one that I seriously doubt she can do. She was not attentive while she worked with me, she wasn't a strong writer and she was a poor communicator. The job she applied for is in the communications field. I do not want to badmouth this young lady, but at the same time, I do not want to lie. If I misrepresent her, she will likely fail in the job, and my credibility will come into question. How should I handle this? -- Wanting to Help, Grand Rapids, Michigan

DEAR WANTING TO HELP: Contact your intern directly and request a meeting -- face-to-face if possible. Be honest with her: Tell her that during her tenure with you, she did not demonstrate skills that would suggest that she would be proficient at the job in question. Ask her what she has done since then to strengthen her abilities. Ask her if she has worked for anyone who can vouch for her in this capacity. That person should be her reference.

Tell her that you care about her and her well-being. To that end, you cannot, in good conscience, recommend her for something for which you believe she is unprepared. If you can, suggest a line of work for which she may be better suited.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics

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