life

Sending Cards Is More About Love Than the Date

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 19th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I absolutely never remember my in-laws' birthdays or anniversaries. I hardly remember my own. On the other hand, they are always early sending cards and generally being perfect family members. After I realize that I missed a big day, I usually call and check in with them, but I know it must be disappointing that I never get it straight. Meanwhile, my husband doesn't remind me, nor does he call his parents on those special days. I think they consider me to be a negative influence on him. How can I become more responsible about these things? -- Slacker, Atlanta

DEAR SLACKER: Use a calendar to note all recurring special days. If you have an electronic device on which you can record these dates, all the better. Assign alarms to them so that the device will ring on the day in question, thereby forcing you to pay attention. Even if you didn't remember to send a card, you can at least call on the big day.

Shy of that, you can simply show your in-laws your love in other ways. Send cards and gifts when you think of them. Call when they are on your mind to check in and chat. What people want most is to experience love.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for July 19, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 19th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just got my grades back from college, and they are not good. I knew I was having a tough year, but I didn't think it was quite as bad as my grades reflect. Now I am in jeopardy of losing my scholarship. I am so scared. I don't want to tell my parents, but I have to let them know. They are paying for the difference from the scholarship, but now they may have to pay more. I don't even know if they can afford it. I know they said I shouldn't take out student loans, but I really want to finish school. I don't want to be a bad student. It was just harder than I thought this year. What can I do? -- Bad Grades, Boston

DEAR BAD GRADES: Talk to your school immediately to find out about the status of your scholarship and to see if you can take any of your exams over during the course of the summer to possibly change your grade. Ask if there are any summer classes that you can take that would help you to strengthen your skills in any of the subject areas where you feel weak. Finally, ask the school to work with you to help to get you back on track. You need to prove to them that you are serious about your education.

Talk to your parents and let them know about your grades as well as about your proactivity regarding keeping your scholarship and upping your academic performance. Ask them for their support and guidance in navigating this difficult period. Be frank and talk to them about money. If you do lose your scholarship, you need to come up with a plan about how you will afford to complete your education.

life

Every Step Counts in Path to Fitness

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 18th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently started an exercise regimen that my doctor recommended. I walk about five miles a day. I am really getting into it now. I got a pedometer to count my steps because my doctor told me that I should walk at least 10,000 steps a day. I am building up to that, and generally I feel pretty good about myself. Now that the weather is nice, I have been walking at the neighborhood track and in the park, which is nice. I was talking to some friends the other day and told them what I've been doing. One of them started laughing at me. She said I would never reach any fitness goal with just walking. She then proceeded to tell me all about the workout that she does and why I should do that. I don't doubt that her extremely rigorous workout would whip anyone into shape. She's so buff, but I am not ready to do her routine. I have a lot of weight to lose, and I want to follow my doctor's plan and stick to it for a change. How can I get my friends, especially this one, to understand where I am and be supportive even if I am not ready to step it up to their level? -- Stepping Up, Seattle

DEAR STEPPING UP: Give yourself a lot of credit for starting an exercise program that your doctor says is best for you. What's most important is that you develop discipline around it so that you will stick to it no matter what. Walking, by the way, is excellent for the body -- no matter whether you are overweight or perfectly toned.

As far as your friends go, if they are not encouraging you, stop telling them what you are doing. Stay laser-focused on your goals. Pay attention to the other people you see who are walking. You may want to identify a buddy who is already doing a regular walk to be a support. If you find someone you like, you could talk about meeting up at the track at particular times. Or you could just chat about each other's goals and accomplishments when you see each other. That may be where you find outside encouragement.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for July 18, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 18th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband constantly berates me over every little thing. One of his favorite questions to me is "What's the matter with you?" He asks that with a sneer in his voice whenever I don't follow his line of thinking or if I don't know something that he thinks is obvious. I realize that I do not have thick skin about this. It hurts my feelings, and every time I say something to him about it, he shrugs it off, saying that I am too sensitive. How can I get him to see my side? -- Fed Up, Chicago

DEAR FED UP: Start taping your conversations, using your smartphone or another recording device. When you capture him speaking to you in that way, tell him you want him to listen to something. Make sure that you have a good example, so that it can be obvious to him how he is communicating with you. After he listens, ask him if he can hear his tone and imagine why it might upset you. Hearing himself may be the wakeup call he needs.

life

Prostitutes Infiltrate Residential Neighborhood

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 17th, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently moved to a residential neighborhood. I like my neighborhood, but I have one complaint: There are prostitutes in my neighborhood, and, as far as I can tell, they work only one day a week. I see them every Sunday morning when I go to church, and I am amazed to see the police drive by them without saying a word. If these people do not faze the police, who can I call to make a complaint? It is not a proper sight in a residential neighborhood. -- Sight for Sore Eyes, West Orange, New Jersey

DEAR SIGHT FOR SORE EYES: Start by asking some of your neighbors who have lived there for a longer period of time about the history of the area. Find out their thoughts about the prostitutes. Express your concern, and ask questions of them about how others view their presence. Suggest that the neighbors team up to approach the police about getting prostitutes out of your neighborhood.

It is possible for you to take this on by yourself, but it is far more likely for you to meet with success if you have a collection of residents who are committed to cleaning up the streets. Together, you can write to your local precinct to ask for action. You can reach out to your local politicians and to your member of Congress for support.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for July 17, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | July 17th, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: For the first time in 30 years, I am sober, and I do not know what do with myself. When difficult situations showed in my life, I used to drink my pain away. I was even a better driver when I was drunk. Now that I am sober, I am scared to drive on the highway. What are some alternative ways to deal with my problems when they arise? -- Staying on the Wagon, Memphis, Tennessee

DEAR STAYING ON THE WAGON: Congratulations on your sobriety. It is no small feat for you to have turned this corner. To ensure that you stay on the wagon, you need to surround yourself with support. Start by joining your local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Go to meetings at least once a week where you are in the company of people just like you who are working to protect their sobriety and rebuild their lives. At these confidential meetings, you can talk about whatever is going on in your life and be heard by people who understand your journey.

One of the things AA warns people about is "people, places and things." Do your best to stay away from any of those that might be triggers to get you to drink again. This means ending relationships that are unhealthy. Don't go to events or locations that might make you vulnerable. Remove alcohol from your home so that there is none available in a potential moment of weakness.

If you have health insurance, find a therapist to work with you, someone who is certified in dealing with alcohol addiction. A professional can help guide you when you need support. Good luck! You can do it!

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