life

Friend Wonders What to Do About Mean Email

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 3rd, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Last week I received an email about one of my friends from this crazy lady in town. The email was horrible and degrading. It took hits on other women in town, as well as my friend's children and other family members. About 100 people received this letter, and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Everyone is talking about it, and I can only imagine how upset and embarrassed my friend feels. I am unsure as to what I am supposed to do about this. Should I call my friend and let her know that I have seen this letter? Should I just delete it and pretend I never saw it? -- Indecisive, Saginaw, Michigan

DEAR INDECISIVE: Definitely contact your friend. Tell her that you received the email, and you want to make sure she is OK. Ask her if she has seen it. If not, forward it to her immediately. Find out from her what she wants to do about it.

Sometimes such an action is so heinous that it warrants calling the authorities. Other times, people choose to ignore it and chalk it up to someone having a bad day. Your friend will need to determine what is best for her. Since the email writer chose to speak negatively about children, your friend may have a case to file to get her to cease and desist.

To your main question, absolutely you should be in touch with your friend and let her know that you want to support her in any way that you can.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 03, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 3rd, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: When we go out for dinner as a family, I usually let my 18-year-old daughter have a glass of wine with my husband and me. Last night, we went out for dinner with our family friends, and my daughter asked if she could join the adults to have a glass. This family also has an 18-year-old daughter, but they do not let her drink alcohol under any circumstances. It was a bit uncomfortable because they are very against underage drinking, and we did not realize how strongly they felt about this. We did not end up letting our daughter have the wine because we did not want to get into an argument with the other family. Should we not let our daughter drink with us in public? Is it offensive to others? -- Confused Parent, Boston

DEAR CONFUSED PARENT: The law is not on your side. The National Minimum Drinking Age Act of 1983 prohibits the purchase of alcohol for anyone under 21. While in some states there is no ruling about whether a person under 21 can consume alcohol while at home, that is not the circumstance you mention. In Maryland, minors are allowed to drink alcohol on non-alcohol-selling premises when in the company of a parent who has given consent. But you are not in Maryland.

While your chaperoned idea of allowing your child to have a glass of wine with dinner seems reasonable, it is not legal. Could it be offensive to others? Yes. It could also get you arrested.

life

Summer Camps Don't Have to Break the Bank

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 2nd, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: Why are summer camps so expensive? I have an 8-year-old son, and he is interested in playing organized basketball. I did some research, and I found the average cost of a sports camp is about $500. I also found out that the sessions are eight hours each day for five days. I understand paying that kind of money for a teenager, but not for an 8-year-old. Do you know a less expensive way to have my son learn how to play basketball? -- Novice Dad, New York City

DEAR NOVICE DAD: You are in luck. There are camps of all different prices -- you just have to do a little searching. Check with your local Y. Look for community centers in your area where there should be sports programs, including basketball, during the summer for a nominal fee. In New York City, the Children's Aid Society offers affordable camps. Visit childrensaidsociety.org/camps for more information.

Many churches offer camps for children, too. And some camps offer financial aid to families who need support. You can find a camp that will fit your budget. Don't give up!

life

Sense & Sensitivity for June 02, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | June 2nd, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am 51 years old, and I am planning to attend graduate school to get my master's in education. I am wondering if I am able to receive financial aid for my postgraduate degree. -- Higher Learning, Chicago

DEAR HIGHER LEARNING: First, figure out where you might want to go to school. Learn the costs for a few schools that you like, and investigate to see if the schools offer scholarships or financial aid. A scholarship is money you do not have to pay back that is based on merit. Look into scholarships to see what types are offered. You would be amazed at the range of specificity to consider. Same goes for grants that are offered for all kinds of reasons, including being a late bloomer going back for a degree. Actively ask questions of your school to see what it has to offer.

Financial aid can be money that you don't pay back that is based on need. You will have to organize all of your financial papers so that you can file for financial support. This will include your W-2, all other income and all debt. Typically, the school has a division that will process your request and let you know if you are eligible for aid and, if so, how much. Also, look into FAFSA.

Go beyond the school and look into community organizations, churches and social clubs. Do your research to determine if there is money available for somebody like you who wants to continue your education. There are many websites that point to potential scholarships. Look online. Go to the library and ask questions. By all means, talk to financial aid officers at the schools you find interesting.

life

Recent Grad Wonders About Long-Distance Relationship

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 31st, 2014 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: My college boyfriend and I have been dating since freshmen year, and we just graduated. I have a job in Boston, and he has one in Chicago. We love each other very much and have even talked about marriage, but I'm not sure how our relationship can withstand the distance. We both tried to find jobs in the same city, but we agreed we were offered jobs that we could not pass up. Travel costs are going to be expensive, and the stress of not seeing each other won't be healthy for either of us. Is it better to end our relationship now, on a high note, or should we give a long-distance relationship a shot? -- Going the Distance, Nashville, Tennessee

DEAR GOING THE DISTANCE: Do not give up before you give it a try. Believe it or not, many couples that are truly devoted to each other have been able to weather the long-distance storm. It requires devotion, planning, budgeting and faith. You can build into your budget the funds needed to visit each other regularly. Using social media and tools such as FaceTime or Skype, you can stay in touch with each other daily to be able to share the machinations of your daily lives as they are happening.

It will be easier for you to schedule vacations and any time together with a plan. You must also make space for each of you to cultivate friendships and do your jobs. If you trust that you are the partners for each other and you want to stick it out, work to make that happen. Create a sign together, a code of some kind, that will let the other know if either of you feels the need to revisit the plan and make adjustments. That way, even if you eventually decide not to stay together, it does not have to be a surprise. You can work through that respectfully, too.

life

Sense & Sensitivity for May 31, 2014

Sense & Sensitivity by by Harriette Cole
by Harriette Cole
Sense & Sensitivity | May 31st, 2014 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been sharing secrets about my life with my best friend for years. Recently, though, I have noticed that she has no patience for my stories. I'm not the only one talking, by the way. I have listened to her stories forever, too. But I somehow feel like my broken-record stories have her fed up or something, and she is done hearing me out. What am I going to do if my friend won't listen to me anymore? It's not fair. -- Deaf Ears, Syracuse, New York

DEAR DEAF EARS: Take your friend's act of stepping back as a perfect opportunity for you to step forward and examine your life with a critical eye. If you have been droning on about the same concerns for years on end, how can you change that? What is it about your thinking or your behavior that is worth changing so that you can be happy? Only you can change how you live your life. Your friends can be supportive, but, interestingly, sometimes the best support is that of stepping away and creating space for a friend to meditate on what's going on without the distraction of other people's comments. Thank your friend and pay attention to your life. Then act accordingly.

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