DEAR HARRIETTE: We had an embarrassing moment during the holidays. My mother-in-law made horrible comments to a family member, her other son's wife. She made jokes about her weight in front of her face. It was ridiculously rude and made everyone feel awkward. To be honest, my sister-in-law has gained a lot of weight over the years. She is huge, but who are we to judge her? My mother-in-law talked about how big her butt is and how she really should use two chairs. It was awful. When her son (the woman in question's husband) asked her to stop, she just got even louder. She can be kind of crass, but this was just awful. I felt so bad for my sister-in-law. How can we get my mother-in-law to chill out? -- Beyond Embarrassed, Syracuse, N.Y.

DEAR BEYOND EMBARRASSED: Sadly, many families have one person who can be crude and rude. People who don't naturally have a filter to keep them from saying certain things can prove to be hurtful on a regular basis. This is because they usually do not realize how their comments are affecting others.

What one of you may be able to do is to talk to her privately, recount what she has said that was hurtful, and ask her directly to curb such comments. Ask her if she intends to hurt this woman. Chances are the answer is no. If she acknowledges that this is not her intention, you may be able to impress upon her that making such comments about this woman's body is hurtful, regardless of what she meant by saying it. Perhaps her son can ask her to stop. In the moment next time, somebody can change the subject to deflect the negative commentary.

DEAR HARRIETTE: A new friend of mine is going on a cruise soon, and she asked her friends to make financial contributions to her trip so that she would have enough money. She asked us to do this instead of giving her a Christmas present. I didn't like that at all. I don't usually give a Christmas present to her -- or to other adults, for that matter. I give only to the children in my family. Whenever I have given her anything at Christmas, it would be a little token of our friendship, costing only a few dollars. I chose not to contribute to her trip. I did send her a holiday card, as I always do. But I feel weird about it. She even called and asked me if I was going to give her a contribution for her trip. I didn't respond. What should I say? -- Stop the Shakedown, Miami

DEAR STOP THE SHAKEDOWN: Tell your friend the truth, namely that during the holiday season you give gifts to the children in your life but not to adults. Wish her a wonderful trip as you make it clear that you have followed your holiday plan, which is to give cards to all and gifts to the young ones.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with your response to "The Day After" whose family member's birthday was on Dec. 26. They asked if they could "get away with giving only one gift" instead of a separate gift for Christmas and the birthday. You replied that it was all right to give one gift, but to give a card for each occasion. To be fair, if they would've given a gift to the family member if the birthday were in June, they should likewise give a separate gift when the birthday is the day after Christmas. It IS short-changing and unfair to penalize someone for being born too close to a gift-giving holiday. If money is the issue, then buy two smaller gifts. Treat each day as separate and special (as you said), but by acting as you would if they were months apart. --Speaking Out for the Short-Changed, Chicago

DEAR SPEAKING OUT FOR THE SHORT-CHANGED: Fair point! Because money usually is the reason that people tend to buy only one gift for a person whose birthday is near a gift-giving holiday, dividing up the money to give two separate gifts can solve that concern. Even better, remember to set a little extra money aside for celebrating this person's special day.

I will add that for those who want to give a higher-priced gift to a family member, you can give that bigger gift for one celebration and a smaller token of love for the other.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was just reading your column from Dec. 13, and a comment you made to a writer brought to mind a great quote I heard years ago that you may be able to use in the future for those with bitterness and grudges. Your reply to Mad All Over Again was, "Holding a grudge against her does you no good."

I love this quote from an old man and memorized it immediately. I have applied it in my life several times: "Bitterness does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to the vessel into which it is poured." Isn't that a good one? Thank you for your column and good level-headed advice. -- Wise One, Memphis, Tenn.

DEAR WISE ONE: I love this quote! That old man was absolutely right. I know from my own life that when I have held a grudge and either refused or been unable to let go of strong negative emotions about a relationship gone sour, I have been the one who suffered. In one instance, the other person who had hurt my feelings didn't even remember what she had done. Regardless, I had held onto my hard-earned pain for way too long.

As difficult as it may seem to any of you out there who have been hurt by another to forgive the person and move on, please know that you are harming yourself by storing that bitterness and pain in your being. It is not worth it. Do whatever you can to let go: Pray, meditate, count your blessings and remember the good in the other person. Forgive and move on!

DEAR HARRIETTE: Two people at my job gave me gifts for Christmas, and I felt uncomfortable because I didn't get anything for them. We weren't supposed to exchange gifts outside of the Secret Santa thing we do, where each person picks another to give a small gift to. I did that, but these two who gave me nice gifts are people I like for sure. It was really awkward. I thanked them, but then thought I should run out to the store and get something for them. The thing is, I won't see them until after New Year's Day, so it may make it awkward all over again. What should I do? I want these women to know I appreciate them and their generosity. -- Giftless, Detroit

DEAR GIFTLESS: Take a deep breath and relax. You are not required to give a person a gift just because you received one from her or him. What you should do is to graciously offer your thanks for the gift and the thought behind it. To complete the cycle of giving is to let the person know how grateful you are. You do not need to go shopping for these people for after-the-New-Year gifts. Instead, if you do want to do something special for these women, consider inviting them individually or together for lunch or drinks -- your treat. No need to say that this is your gift to them. Just enjoy each other and stay in the moment.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was already gaining weight before the holidays, and I feel pretty confident that I added a few pounds over the past week or so. I am really mad at myself. I need to lose, not gain. Even though I know this, I don't seem to make smart choices that will help me get anywhere close to my goal. I want to lose about 40 pounds, but the cake and cookies just looked too good for me to resist. I hate to say it, but I have very little discipline on this front. Even though I know that I need to do something, it ends up being just a thought in my head. How can I really do something? -- Ready for a Change, Washington, D.C.

DEAR READY FOR A CHANGE: Consider it a good sign that you recognize the position you are in right now. It means a lot that you are clear that you need to lose weight and even that you know what some of your trigger foods are. You also need help. Start by getting a complete physical from your doctor to be clear about your health status. Ask your doctor for any medical guidance for weight loss.

Consider going to Weight Watchers. There's something powerful about having to go to a weekly meeting where you get on a scale and track your weight in the company of others with similar goals. Weight Watchers teaches people to eat responsibly and in the right portion size for your weight goal. Visit www.weightwatchers.com for ideas. Good luck!