DEAR HARRIETTE: The person writing in about wanting money for graduation instead of gifts, etc., was from Jackson, Miss. She should be aware that some stores now offer "graduation registries," which are similar to bridal registries. She can go to those stores and select her preferences, then mention where she is registered to those she thinks might want to give her a gift. -- Aware, Jackson, Miss.

DEAR HARRIETTE: You missed a good opportunity to teach the graduate that gifts are not to be solicited, expected or dictated. It was presumptuous for that college-bound teen to expect gifts and request money! "Congratulations" is all that is expected from well-wishers, and gifts they bestow are extras, according to etiquette experts. Asking for money -- or anything else -- is in bad taste.

If someone asks the grad what she'd like for a gift, the polite response should be, "I would appreciate anything you think I could use when I start my school year away from home." If pressed for an answer, it is OK to tactfully suggest a gift card.

That student and her parents should not be involved in shaking down anyone for cash! The student should wait to decorate the dorm room until after she sees it and has met her roommate anyway. She should find ways to earn some cash over the summer so money will be available to spend as desired. Some well-wishers may be able to send only a nice congratulatory card, which is all that's required in polite society. Dictating a gift is never appropriate! -- Old School, Chicago

DEAR AWARE AND OLD SCHOOL: I have included both of your letters because they illustrate the broad spectrum of thought on the sensitive topic of gifting and graduation. As an etiquette expert who pays attention to the current trends, I will address your various points.

Starting with the idea of a gift registry, it is true that some families make this choice -- much like a wedding registry -- to make it easy for loved ones to spend money wisely if they choose to buy the graduate a gift. I would venture to say that this type of setup works when you are having a big party or other gathering where you expect many people will want to provide a gift. Even so, do not list the registry on your invitation. When guests ask what the graduate wants, you can direct them to the site.

That said, I agree that no one should demand or shake one down for gifts, nor did I recommend that previously. I think it is OK to answer a direct question from someone you know and love about what you might want for graduation. When asked, a parent or the graduate can say what is desired. It would be inappropriate to ask for a lavish gift. But if asked, you can talk about your plans and say that you would appreciate support in making that plan manifest. Of course, a card is a perfect gift. But if someone asks, that suggests that the person wants to do more than a card.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Yesterday, I went to a local restaurant to have dinner with a friend. I was dismayed to find a short, black hair on a piece of my chicken. My hair is neither short nor black -- the hair couldn't have come from me. I had eaten enough of the meal before the discovery of the hair to satiate my appetite, so I was not going to ask for them to make me a new plate.

I would have just left the food, paid and departed had the manager not been making rounds, asking the patrons if everything was all right. I informed him quietly of my uninvited guest, but instead of an apology, he claimed not to see anything, insinuated that I insulted his "clean establishment" and whisked the plate away. To his credit, he offered to bring me something new, but I was no longer hungry.

Although he did not charge me for my meal, I was uncomfortable with the way he handled the situation. I did not mean to insult him; I simply wanted to rectify the situation. Did I do the right thing? His response was really aggressive and made me feel like it was my fault that there was a hair in my food. -- A Hairy Situation, Chicago

DEAR A HAIRY SITUATION: You did the right thing. You definitely should have told him, even if he had not come walking around. I wonder if the reason that he reacted the way he did was because someone overheard your comment. Perhaps he was embarrassed. You said you were quiet, but maybe he didn't experience it that way.

Either way, his reaction was inappropriate. He should have been gracious and apologetic.

DEAR HARRIETTE: May I comment on the letter from "I Like to be Lonely" from Armonk, N.Y.? I can sympathize with her (why do I assume it is a girl?) because I lived in Europe for several years and would call back to the United States to talk to my parents and my brother, who lived together. Whoever answered the phone first would immediately call the others to the phone, and I ended up with the feeling that I had wasted my time (and money) in a superficial conversation without spending any "quality time" with any of them.

I would suggest that "Like" call the family together and tell them, frankly, of the feelings she outlined in her letter, then offer to make "dates" with one or two of her siblings at a time to do something together, whether it's a household chore, an errand in town, a shared meal or whatever. If they really care for her, they should be happy to do this. It might provide the bonding experience she is missing. It might even bring her to the point where she has more fun in the larger group. I'm afraid that "splitting the difference" without positive interaction would just lead to resentment on both sides. -- Sensitive, Washington, D.C.

DEAR SENSITIVE: Thank you for sharing your experience. Your message is that personal, intimate interaction beats generalized group engagement. Makes sense!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been working with a small business owner on a very exciting project. I was clear about my role, and I even got it defined in writing -- I have learned that small vendors often try to get people to do more than they are contracted to do. Sure enough, that's what is happening now. Twice already I have been asked to pitch in at the last minute and help out with responsibilities that are not in my purview and for which I am not being paid.

I hate to sound like I will work only for money, but I do not have time to get sucked into extra duties without pay. I am a freelancer, and I need to work on getting more clients rather than extending my duties beyond what was agreed originally. Do you think I am being stingy with my time? -- Making Boundaries, Shreveport, La.

DEAR MAKING BOUNDARIES: It is very important to create boundaries about roles and responsibilities in business. When you put these details in writing and review them with your clients, you create a better chance of remaining clear as the project gets underway. In some instances, it makes sense to pitch in and do more. Many projects start in a particular way, and additional needs are discovered as time goes on.

That does not mean, however, that you are beholden to fulfill them. What you can do is renegotiate your contract. Or you can put your foot down and say that you are available only to do what is outlined in your agreement. Sometimes stepping away from extra roles is required for an employer to realize that he or she is attempting to squeeze more out of a relationship than is appropriate.

Be kind and be clear. This will allow your employer to evaluate what the needs are and how he or she intends to fulfill them moving forward.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Your advice to "Stressing About Summer," the teen interested in simultaneously mitigating the tension between her and her father and experiencing an "amazing summer," lacked an obvious way to accomplish both: volunteer work. Every community has opportunities to help others. The teen should consider volunteering at a homeless shelter, working at a food pantry or preparing food packets for charities such as Feed My Starving Children. As another example, almost every community has opportunities to help senior citizens. Everything you do for them brightens their eyes, including playing an instrument, bringing in a pet, playing bingo, sharing treats, engaging in conversation or working with event coordinators on special events. Another suggestion is to contact groups that coordinate children's activities -- scouting programs, day camps or children's church schools.

The opportunities to help others are endless. If you don't know where to go to locate the people in need, contact the city or county, a school or a church. This can help the teen with the relationship with her dad and will provide her with many hours of heartwarming joy, leading to an amazing summer and memories to last a lifetime. -- Helpful, Washington, D.C.

DEAR HELPFUL: Volunteering is great on so many levels. Thank you for the reminder!