DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend's father died, and I feel so bad for her. He lived with her for the last few years, and she was a dutiful daughter. She seems so calm about her dad's death, but I can't imagine how. He wasn't really sick; he just died.

She is going about making arrangements very matter-of-factly. I want to be of help, but she seems so efficient that she doesn't need help. How can I be a good friend to her without being annoying? -- Best Friend, Laurel, Md.

DEAR BEST FRIEND: Trust that your friend is doing the best she can, and know that she likely values hearing from you.

Check in with her each day, morning and evening, to see how she's doing. Once a day, specifically ask if she needs your help with anything. During another call, check in on her emotions by asking how she's feeling and whether she wants to talk. Ask if you can fix her some food or take her for a drive. Let her know that you love her and that you want to be there for her in any way she would prefer.

Being a friend may simply mean offering your ear and your love to her consistently. If she has a moment of need, you will have a chance to support her if you are speaking to her regularly.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My niece is a real Debbie Downer. No matter what we talk about, she always finds something wrong with it. We spent a few days together during the holidays, and she drove me crazy. I was telling her about my new job. She didn't care. We listened to music, and she hated everything I played for her. Honestly, all she did was complain.

At one point, I said that she seems to see the glass as half empty, while I see it as half full. She took offense at my statement. I tried to give her examples of what I meant.

In the end, when she had hurt my feelings for the 100th time, I blew up and told her off. I really didn't mean to do that, but I was so frustrated.

How can I fix it with her? I think she must be sad or something. I want to help her and protect myself at the same time. -- Worn Out, Los Angeles

DEAR WORN OUT: Your niece probably doesn't realize how she affects others. Often when people are overly negative, they have low self-esteem. Sadly, when they are challenged about it, this only helps to support their belief that the world is against them.

It may help to be very specific when you tell your niece your concerns. If you can identify a situation when she was extremely negative and it hurt your feelings, describe it to her. Through your eyes, she may be able to see how her reaction affects you. Chances are, she has been clueless about considering your feelings.

Helping her open her eyes to others' perspectives may soften her opinions about herself and those around her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My family is divided politically. Even though the election is over, people are still upset.

When we got together over the holidays, one of my uncles (who had had too much to drink) started talking about the presidential election and how he thought the vote was rigged. The opposing uncles jumped in, and I thought it was going to come to blows. It was awful. I know they had all been drinking, but still it was mean and ugly. When I tried to break it up, it just got worse.

What should I have done, and what can I do in the future? They aren't going to change their views. -- Peace Maker, Washington, D.C.

DEAR PEACE MAKER: Tensions were high going into the presidential election, and it was predicted that afterward there would be a lot of bad feelings, no matter who won or lost. It is also relatively common for extended family to include members of different political persuasions. This can be a recipe for major conflict. In your case, the situation was exacerbated by alcohol.

What can you do? Nothing in the midst of a drunken fight. It's best in a situation like that to walk away. You could invite anybody else who isn't intoxicated to walk away, too. Anybody who is already lit is not going to be able to hear the voice of reason.

When your relatives are sober, you can recommend that they agree to disagree on politics and agree not to talk about their political views at family gatherings. This doesn't mean their opinions aren't valued; it means their love of family is greater. Try that.

DEAR HARRIETTE: My assistant has worked for me for less than a year. Because she's the newest member of our team, she doesn't have any vacation days.

She asked me if she could take time off for the holidays anyway. She told me that she wanted to see her family and that they always get together at her mom's house, 300 miles away.

Her question put me in an awkward situation. We have rules at my office about vacation time, but she really put the guilt trip on me -- so much so that I gave her two days off. She hardly said "thank you" after all of that.

I am not happy about this at all. How can I let her know my feelings? -- Annoyed, Dallas

DEAR ANNOYED: Remember that your assistant is young and in need of guidance. Rather than being upset with her, educate her.

Tell her you are disappointed that she seems ungrateful for your extra effort to make her holiday comfortable. Tell her that you realized how lonely she was for her family and that you made an exception so she could be with them. Explain that you expect her to have the basic manners to say "thank you" and to go the extra mile at work because you went the extra mile for her.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I had a run-in with my brother-in-law during the holidays. I brought friends over to visit after Christmas dinner, which I cleared with my sister. But I guess she didn't tell him. So when they were hanging out in the house, he came in and had major attitude. He wanted to know who they were and what they were doing there. He tends to be kind of gruff.

In the end, everybody had a good time, but it was awkward at first. He was so rude, and I didn't know how to shield my friends. What should I have done? -- In the Middle, Kansas City, Mo.

DEAR IN THE MIDDLE: You cleared the visit with your sister, which is exactly what you should have done. But you also could have verified with her that your brother-in-law knew about the visit.

In the moment, the best you could have done would be to introduce your friends to your brother-in-law and thank him for welcoming them to his home. Sometimes such an expression of gratitude can squelch bad behavior because it can be a neutralizer.

Outside of that, I assume you spoke to your sister about the situation. She should be informed so that she can help manage such a situation if it comes up in the future.

DEAR HARRIETTE: We exchanged presents at Christmas with all of the children in the family, and mostly the kids were happy about their gifts. One cousin, however, was not pleased with his gift and made it known to everyone. He went so far as to say that we don't need to give him anything if it can't be better than what he got.

This kid is so spoiled. He is an only child, and before he ever gets to the family gathering, he has a huge Christmas at his house with every kind of present imaginable. I think it's horrible that he then comes to our much more modest gathering and has the nerve to complain.

As one of the parents, I'm wondering what I can do to help manage this situation. He makes all the other kids feel bad, and I don't think that's fair. -- Worried Auntie, Cincinnati

DEAR WORRIED AUNTIE: Tell the boy's parents about your concerns. Remind them of the family tradition, and point out that this year their son was disparaging about the gift he received. Tell them that the intention is simply for the children to share with one another, not evaluate the gift. Ask them to help him understand that.

Further, speak to the child directly. I believe in collective parenting, in the sense that adults should be able to correct young family members on the spot. For example, if you heard the child saying something mean about the gift, you could have immediately said, "That wasn't kind. Be grateful for the gift and leave it at that."