MY DEAR READERS: I wish you a healthy, safe and abundant 2013!

I learned years ago that with every breath we take, we have the opportunity to refresh our commitment to live with purpose and clarity. As I think about all of the events -- both uplifting and horrifying -- that occurred in 2012, I become even more steadfast in my resolve to make this year count.

You see, I am of the mind that the big, disastrous things that happen, that seem so far away from our individual worlds, are actually much closer than we think. Although I'm not suggesting that a massacre like the one in Newtown, Conn., will happen in your or my neighborhood tomorrow, the reality is that it might.

We live in a world where extremes of negativity fester -- extreme sadness, solitude, fear, pain, frustration, anger, mischief, even deceit. Whether or not we want to believe it, these extremes can exist in our individual lives as well. We often treat the people who are closest to us in either a conciliatory or antagonistic way. What makes us choose one or another? Where is the authenticity in our choice?

Usually, the quality of our choice depends upon how well we are taking care of ourselves. When we are living at our wit's end, when we are broken (financially or spiritually) or otherwise extended beyond comfort, it can be impossible to find the compassion within us to be kind to others. But when we are well rested, well tended -- especially if it is self-tended -- and connected to some measurable amount of joy, we are far more easily able to see the good in others.

Stress is a beast that clouds our vision. I challenge each and every one of us to figure out how to relieve the often-unchecked stress in our lives so that we can access our inner joy. I believe it is essential for the preservation of humanity that we soften our hearts and heal our souls. Only then can we be clear enough, strong enough and giving enough to help heal others.

President Obama recently spoke about the need for Americans to do as much as we can to prevent senseless loss of life. While we may argue about how to reduce mass or individual murders, I trust that we all believe that human life should be cherished above all else.

I heard a story recently that provides insight into how we can right our proverbial ship. A devoted mother taught her children the value of life by telling them to close their eyes and picture themselves holding a precious gem. When they opened their eyes, they were to imagine seeing that gem in the palm of their hand, gleaming so brightly that it brought an immediate smile to their faces. This wise mother instructed her children to remember that gem, especially when they were feeling low, hurt or uncomfortable. Their lives were precious, and within them those gems were shining brightly. She instructed that if they could remember that, they would stand stronger and naturally navigate life with greater ease.

Let us choose to remember our greatness. In turn, let us see the greatness in others and inspire those in our midst to choose to be honorable and kind. This is my goal in 2013.

DEAR HARRIETTE: Our family agreed we would spend a maximum of $30 on one another's Christmas gifts this year. I purchased a cool gift that was over the initial budget of $30. We exchanged our gifts, and to my amazement, my gift was the only one of quality that someone could actually use. It felt like my family members did not care about purchasing their gifts. I actually gave my gift back to my brother, telling him I did not like it.

I know "it's the thought that counts," but come on. I'm acting childish because my family did not give better gifts with their $30 budget. -- Miss Grinch, Chicago

DEAR MISS GRINCH: I'm sorry, but you actually sound like a snob. You broke the rules and then had the nerve to rudely reject your brother's effort at following them. Do you see just how "childish," to use your word, you are?

Of course it is possible to get creative and devote time and attention to finding amazing gifts for $30 or less. But you have to be committed to the search. I understand that it was disappointing that your family did not go the distance.

A friend of mine made a pact with her husband some years back when they were in dire financial straits that they would spend a maximum of $9 on gifts for each other. The competition turned out to be in the creativity. Who could outdo the other with $9? They both stayed within the budget, which ultimately made both partners winners because they worked together, albeit independently, to bring joy to each other.

You could try that in the future. Better still, suggest for next year that you not exchange gifts but instead give to those in need.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I just learned that a former co-worker is in hospice care. I didn't even realize she was sick. I left that job almost two years ago. She was the nicest person there.

I am so sad for her and want to do something, but hospice usually means death is imminent. What can I do? --Grief-Stricken, Bronx, N.Y.

DEAR GRIEF-STRICKEN: If you know your former co-worker's address, send a note offering your love and support to her and her family. If you have a photo of the two of you sharing a sweet moment, send that as well. It's important that you send it right away, because you are right: Hospice usually indicates that only days to weeks remain before the end of life.

After your friend passes, be sure to follow up with her family to see if you can be of support.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a regular reader of your column and enjoy it very much. It appears in the Post Express in Washington, D.C., and I check it every day while on the train.

I am usually in sync with your answers, but I was caught up short on your response to the man with the in-law problems. I'm not sure what you intended to say. Do you feel he should appropriately apologize as someone who is "wrong"? In the interests of "keeping the peace" with family, is he opening himself up to a life as the doormat or family "goat" of a psychologically abusive couple?

Some observations: I am glad his wife has his back. I can see getting together and coming up with a decision, together, that may involve behavior such as deciding to apologize, etc. Then, if there comes a thaw and a chance for interaction (at the moment, the father-in-law has "banned" him), they could work out some ground rules together, such as "no yelling." Become more tactical and always gracious (the gift issue could have been handled more smoothly), but through controlled interactions. Never let them know when they've cut you and drawn blood.

This young man needs to build up some serious boundaries to protect his mind and soul from these people, family or not. At the moment, his in-laws are not his allies or friends. During crisis (I've gone through layoffs myself, and they are awful), did they offer support? Guidance? Or did they take the chance to tear him down and kick him when he was at his weakest?

I suspect they didn't care much for him from the start. Maybe because he was married before? His job? His financial status? "Props" to the son-in-law for getting out there after his layoff and finding any job he could!

There is a feeling of malignancy and a sick need to control here. I see all the signs: mocking behavior (eye rolling), extreme reactions (banning the son-in-law), labeling ("you're the one with issues"/"playing the victim"), judgment, the demand by the father-in-law for total capitulation. Again, he is a young man, loves his wife and wants so much for things to work. But offering your jugular to (what I fear to be) narcissistic people like this only emboldens them. What comes next? Will they want to dictate where he works? How he and his wife name and raise their kids? Will the in-laws move in with them later and demand to be waited on hand and foot? BEWARE!

I speak from some experience. I married what I later realized was a true "malignant" narcissist and barely got out of the marriage with my sanity intact. -- Been There, Washington, D.C.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Several people wrote in about the husband who was beaten down emotionally by his in-laws and my response. Your letter is so thorough and reflective, I decided to run it in full.

My intention was to have the husband and wife act as a united front and approach the parents with a grace they haven't demonstrated. I fully respect the need not to be a doormat. Thank you for your thoughtful comments.