Sense & Sensitivity

DEAR READERS: Here are a few of your comments about the woman who brought her dog on a date:

DEAR HARRIETTE: Sometimes actions, not words, communicate the loudest. If I put the dog-kissing date's behavior into words, this would be the translation: "Love me, love my dog. P.S. The dog will always come first."

I agree with you that this is a one-date date. Love your column! -- Chicago

DEAR HARRIETE: I am a dog liker (not lover), but I believe the woman's actions were totally appropriate -- for her and for being on a date.

Dating is about getting to know each other's true selves and deciding whether the relationship has possibilities for moving forward. Honesty on a date saves time, energy and money by letting everyone know upfront if there is even the slightest chance for true compatibility. In this case, the answer is "not a chance." The woman is codependent with her dog, and her date thinks that is nuts. If she'd just asked him during dinner (without the dog), "Do you like dogs?" he would have said yes -- and they would have had no idea they were so far apart on the spectrum of what "liking dogs" means. Her way got them there quickly and easily. Agree to be friends and move on to the next person. -- Chicago

DEAR HARRIETTE: I was surprised that you did not mention that in many (if not most) municipalities, dogs are not allowed inside restaurants. (It's a violation of health regulations.) In Chicago, where I live, an ordinance was passed a few years ago to allow dogs only on restaurant patios under certain conditions.

Dog lovers should realize that dogs are not people and they cannot go everywhere that people go! I think the man in question should find another date. No, the woman's actions were NOT appropriate. -- Chicago

DEAR HARRIETTE: The man who wrote recently is entitled to be offended that this woman wanted him to smooch her pooch. Some further thoughts:

-- The restaurant may be barely tolerating dog people, and that's the real reason it was suggested this couple and the dog sit outside.

-- The woman may feel she has to bring her dog everywhere because her neighbors have complained it barks constantly while she's gone, in which case she needs to give the dog a sturdy beef shinbone as she's leaving.

-- When a dog gets to lick another creature in the face, in the dog's mind, the dog and the other are of exactly the same stature, just like puppies. My dog never gets to lick (or even sniff) my face, only under the chin, because I don't want her to ever forget who's alpha (me!).

-- There are diseases that are transmissible from animal to human -- rare, perhaps, in domestic pets, but why risk it? Dogs lick themselves everywhere, and who's to say that wasn't exactly what the dog was doing before she brought it over? He can always say he's meticulous about hygiene and health. -- Chicago

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm a man in my early 60s, and as far back as high school, I knew I'd always be completely invisible to the opposite sex. I spent my teenage years and well into my 40s feeling sorry for myself. I started resenting my friends, none of whom had any trouble with women.

When I was 47, I had finally had enough of watching life pass me by. So I started to pick up prostitutes. (I would have done so earlier, but my finances didn't allow it.) The only problem is that when your only two options are no sex at all or having sex with a prostitute, you're going to end up having lots of sex with prostitutes.

I thought I could get away with cutting back my dalliances to a few times a year, but that just whet my appetite for more, and I decided a clean break was the only way to go.

I'll be retired soon enough, and my finances are in good enough shape that I expect my twilight years to be comfortable. After all these years, I would like to settle down and have a relationship with one woman. This is a big step for me, and I need help getting there. Can you offer some advice? -- A Lot Older and a Little Wiser, Grand Rapids, Mich.

DEAR OLDER: I'm curious why you felt in the beginning that you were invisible to women. You need to deal with that emotional block to find your way to a healthy relationship. For some reason, you haven't believed you are desirable.

Go to a professional therapist and talk about your sexual and relationship history. Explore your feelings and behaviors before you begin to look for a partner.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been incarcerated for 17 years, and it's been rough being away from my dad, who is now sick, and my elderly grandmother. I recently accepted the Lord in my life, but people still tend to use me and not speak to me. Prison is a negative place, and I need some help keeping my spirits up while I'm locked up. -- A Little Deflated, Homer, La.

DEAR DEFLATED: I'm sure it can be emotionally debilitating to be in prison and away from your family for so long.

You may want to choose new ways to occupy your time. Reading is a wonderful way to transport yourself to another place. I highly recommend reading fiction and travel books, as well as self-help books that can support your self-esteem.

I practice meditation and highly recommend it as a way to keep up your spirits and help you manage in your current situation. Check to see if any programs at your institution teach meditation, or read up on it. It can be tremendously beneficial.

Also, write letters to your father and grandmother. Reflect on fond memories of when you spent time together. Send cards expressing your love. Stay connected to them. It will help you to endure the negative people around you.

DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 36-year-old African-American female who is 5 feet 7 inches and used to weigh 400 pounds. In the last 18 months, I have lost 200 pounds, and I have about 50 pounds to go. I feel great. I'm able to buy nice clothes that I really like, and I'm enjoying the new me.

Until recently, I did not have to worry about men finding me attractive. Since I have lost the weight, I don't know what to do. Now the men are telling me that I'm beautiful and sexy, and they want to take me out to dinner. I'm scared of the sudden newfound attention I'm getting, and I don't know what to do. Help! -- Looking Good, Chicago

DEAR LOOKING GOOD: First, congratulations on your weight loss and on claiming good health. You have made a major transformation in your life, and I hope you realize how great your effort has been thus far.

One of the challenges people face when they dramatically lose weight is that people see them differently. You look different, even though you are the same person. It is wise to be cautious as you begin to date. As nice as it is to have men respond to your new physique -- and you should enjoy that -- you want to be careful not to fall for someone who is interested only in how you look.

Make a list of the personality traits and other attributes that are important to you in a man. As you study your list, you may notice that the suitors who are most persistent are not right at all. Your perfect match may be less immediately drawn to looks but more to your personality. The guys who are pressing you right now may not be good enough for you!

Your list will help you to not get caught up in the hype about how you look. If you take your time and really get to know your suitors, you should be able to identify who is sincere and who is just attracted to a pretty face. Good luck!

DEAR HARRIETTE: I'm in need of some extra cash, and I thought I would sell some of my family's old clothes and other things that we don't need. Usually, I give away all of that stuff to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. I get a tax write-off for that, but it's not the same as cash.

A friend of mine said she uses eBay. I've never done that before. But I was also thinking about selling at the local flea market. I've been there a few times, and it looks like a lot of people go there. I've never done anything like this before. What do you think? -- Stuff for Sale, Grand Rapids, Mich.

DEAR STUFF FOR SALE: There are lots of options for selling your items. A flea market could be great if you have the time to sit at the table and actually sell items. It is true that eBay works for many people, as does Craigslist. An old-fashioned yard sale could work, too, if you have a yard.