DEAR MISS MANNERS: I believed that wearing all black was proper dress for anyone at a funeral, or any such service. In recent years, though, this seems to have changed. "Church dress," or subdued outfits in muted colors, seem to be acceptable.

A friend told me that it is pretentious to dress in all black when the deceased is not a close friend or family member. It seeks to claim a status as a mourner that the wearer does not deserve.

Then a high-profile lady was criticized for wearing a gorgeous, very dignified coat-dress in a black-and-white tweed -- which seemed perfectly appropriate to me -- because it was not all black. The deceased was not a close friend or family member of the lady in question. What is correct?

GENTLE READER: Mourning is hard enough without having to think about what degree of intimacy to the deceased your clothing color relays.

This is not a sporting event. There is no winning team for which to show your loyalty.

Furthermore, if you cannot wear black to a funeral without appearing pretentious, where are you properly to wear it?

Never mind. Miss Manners can guess. To a wedding, where any bit of color could probably be criticized for displaying too much joy and support for the couple.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many of my friends have small children, and I am always invited to their birthday parties. I genuinely enjoying going and seeing them and their children.

The problem is that my spouse and I are on one income, and sometimes we just don't have any extra money to spare, even on minimal gifts. However, we usually do have the ingredients on hand to make cookies or cupcakes and frosting from scratch.

Would inquiring about the child's dietary restrictions and bringing sweets instead of a toy be rude? If it were an adult, I'd give a handwritten note and card, but I doubt children would find those very fun.

GENTLE READER: No, they would not -- at least, not without cash or gift cards to shake out of them, in this day and age.

A homemade present is lovely and fine. But unsolicited baked goods may cause too many problems at a children's party. Most parents will have already put thought into what birthday treat they serve. Providing an alternative will cause confusion -- as well as too much sugar stimulation for the young guests.

Miss Manners suggests instead a low-budget craft or a regifted item that can be framed as "something special you thought they might enjoy."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I live in a 55-and-over community, and a new neighbor moved into the house next to ours. I am wondering if there is a custom as to which neighbor should approach the other, and how and when.

My guess would be that we should have approached them to welcome them to the neighborhood, even though we have been there only four months and no one has done it for us.

GENTLE READER: Although there is no strict rule that either party approach first, Miss Manners thinks it kind for the existing neighbor to initiate. Even ones who are only four months in and harbor obvious resentment toward their predecessors.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my novels received a prestigious award. Upon learning this from a mutual friend, an acquaintance approached me and said, "Congratulations, but what a shame this didn't happen years ago when you were still young enough to enjoy it."

I gathered my 70-year-old wits and politely thanked the person without apologizing for my failure to achieve success earlier in life. Since then, two other people have expressed similar sentiments.

So far, I've held my good manners in front of me like a shield, but I wonder if there is a polite way to respond to the negativity implicit in these statements. You are my guiding light of good manners. If you say it is best to continue to respond to the congratulations and ignore the rest, I shall do so.

GENTLE READER: The optimists among us are inclined to think these speakers are well-wishers who think you should have gotten the award sooner, but do not know how to express themselves tactfully.

The pessimists will see the phrasing as an insult.

Since at least one speaker was only an acquaintance, there may be no way of knowing which was actually intended, but the response should be the same: Treat it as a joke -- not the laugh-out-loud sort, but gentle teasing.

Answer with a broad smile and say, "Yes, if only it had come before my dotage." This response rewards the tactless well-wisher. But it also punishes the person who intends insult by refusing to accept it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was in a museum cafe, searching for a place to sit with my husband. There were two remaining tables, but no chairs.

A lovely father and son at one table saw my dilemma and immediately offered me their spare chair. I then turned to a woman at the table on my other side, who had two empty chairs, one of which was holding her purse. I said, "Could I borrow one of your chairs?"

She said, "No, my husband is coming."

I replied, "Will the two of you be needing three chairs?" looking at the chair that held her purse.

She said "no" with a flounce, and hung her purse over her own chair, allowing me to take it while glaring at me.

Was I rude to push for the chair? Or was she rude to think a chair for her purse was more important than a chair for a person?

I see people doing this all the time -- on crowded trains, in airport lounges and other places. How can they look around a crowded room with people standing and think their purse or work bag is more deserving of a seat?

GENTLE READER: That extra chair is seeing a lot of action. You were not rude to ask for it, but the woman was rude twice: when she refused to give it up the first time and again when she flounced about it.

Perhaps the chair has some thoughts on why the woman thinks her purse is more deserving than yourself. Miss Manners cannot help with that one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My new ophthalmologist is a 35-year-old man whom I have known since he was 8 years old and I coached him in youth football. He was in my son's class, and I had frequent contact with him through his school years until he left for college.

So I saw him in the office and I said, "Dr. Smith, how good to see you." He insisted, "Just call me Tommy."

Inside his office, I feel uncomfortable addressing him as anything other than "Dr. Smith," so now I avoid calling him by any name. I feel awkward, but I understand his job requires the honorific.

Manners are supposed to help people feel comfortable, and in this case, the opposite is occurring.

GENTLE READER: Making people feel comfortable is not always the goal, but we can start there.

Dr. Smith may have graduated first in his class, but the use of the honorific by someone who once exercised authority over him could be making him uncomfortable. So whose comfort should we consider?

However, there is a much better reason than comfort to be using his title. Someday he may have to discuss a serious medical condition with you. If that day comes, you do not want to waste time wondering if the little boy who got confused during the final game and scored a touchdown on his own team was also looking in the wrong direction on the day they were teaching glaucoma.

Of course, you cannot say that. So Miss Manners' suggestion is to ask Dr. Tommy if you could use the title in the office -- citing as an excuse both that you are old-fashioned enough to do that with all your doctors, and that you are so proud of him.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Tensions were riding high on the eve of my brother's wedding, when I made the faux pax of mentioning his baldness at the dinner table. I mentioned that I, too, have male-pattern baldness (I am female).

He has been bald, mind you, for 15 years. Had he said, "I am sensitive to my lack of hair, and I'd appreciate it if you would not mention it ever again," I would have obliged. I also would have apologized for having touched upon his sensitivity, which I knew nothing about.

Instead, he explained to me how I had been out of line, that one does not mention these things, and on and on, ending with the honor he had bestowed on me by asking me to be his witness at his civil ceremony. By the time he was finished, I felt shamed and unwelcome. Was my indiscretion in such poor taste that I deserved a public rebuke?

GENTLE READER: The night before a wedding, the table in question is often at the rehearsal dinner. Miss Manners is dearly hoping that you did not think that his baldness was an amusing topic for a toast.

If so, it would not excuse your brother from delivering a public rebuke, but neither should it be thought to exonerate yourself.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)