DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m fortunate to have had a dear friend ever since kindergarten. We were close all through school, and when I moved a few hours away for college and work, I would see her when I came into town to visit family. We stayed in touch and saw each other at least a few times a year. I was a bridesmaid in her wedding, and we have shared some great times together over 30-plus years.

When I moved back to town, we started to get together more often, and during that time, I became closer with her friend group in the city.

Miss Manners, these gatherings were tough for me as an introvert. The group got larger and larger, to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable being involved. My friend would be preoccupied with the others, and I didn’t always feel accepted or welcome.

Most of these friends have things in common, and their incomes are also much higher than mine. The group dinners cost me a decent portion of my monthly budget, whereas these friends seem to dine out in nice restaurants multiple times a week (which I know about because of social media).

The last event I attended was to be part of the “cheer squad” for my friend’s first marathon, which was in a city across the country. The trip was exhausting, expensive and slightly alienating for me.

I just couldn’t keep up after that. I didn’t have the energy or desire to attend anything, or to reciprocate on invitations. My partner is also very introverted and we prefer not to host.

It’s been almost a year since I’ve seen my friend. It feels like I really dropped the ball, but I’m not sure how to rebuild our connection in a way that feels sustainable for me. I feel like I owe her an apology or an explanation, but I’m a bit embarrassed by my taking so long to reach out and make plans together.

How can I navigate this friendship in a way that honors our shared history and connection?

GENTLE READER: Wolves and college students socialize in packs, but human adults are allowed to have non-overlapping circles of friends.

Miss Manners suggests that you call her and propose an event that does not involve other people, transcontinental travel, or apologies. If you find that you still enjoy one another’s company, you can then worry about the next event.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve had celiac disease for more than a decade, and it still hurts my feelings when people bring gluten-y cookies or cakes to group gatherings, and nothing for me.

When I bring gluten-free items, everyone can partake. If someone is vegan, I’ll make sure to make treats without butter. We’re talking small groups of four or five people, including me. Would it be wrong to chide people for not bringing anything for me?

GENTLE READER: Yes.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I are in our 80s now, but we have been married only 20 years. This is a second marriage for each of us.

People are frequently asking us how long we have been married. I feel sure that they want to hear a good story about the cute couple being together for 60 years. After hearing our answer of 20 years, more intrusive questions are asked: “How did you meet? How long did you date? Did you each own a home?”

While I feel certain the inquiries are meant to be charming, I feel uncomfortable. I often give the vague answer of “Seems like forever.”

How do I keep these well-meaning people from asking intrusive questions without being rude myself?

GENTLE READER: Among the trials of old age, being considered adorable is surely a minor one. And while Miss Manners understands that you feel patronized, she is going to ask you to put up with it -- not, however, to the extent of reciting your marital history to anyone who asks.

As you are aware (and have experienced), the lifetime marriage is, for whatever reasons, not as common as it used to be. People are nostalgic about it, and therefore touched when they think they see evidence of its survival.

In addition, they believe that people are flattered to be asked to talk about themselves -- which many people are, although not everyone. Furthermore, they think they have chosen a pleasant topic. “How long have you been married?” is not in the same intrusive category as, for example, “Why aren’t you married?”

You have only to turn around that assumption. “Twenty years,” you can say, “and how about you?” Or, for singles, “Do you encounter many long marriages these days?”

You will have easily disabused them of the notion that yours is a lifetime romance, and, with any luck, gotten them started on talking about themselves.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don’t know how to respond when meeting a friend and they exclaim, upon seeing me, “You’re all gussied up!” I don’t take it as a compliment. Somehow it sounds like a put-down.

I tend to get defensive and argue that just because I’m not wearing jeans and a T-shirt, it doesn’t mean I’m gussied up.

Wouldn’t it be nicer to say, “You look nice today”?

GENTLE READER: Sure. But not as satisfying to anyone whose idea of “dressing up” is putting on clean athleisure and doesn’t want to be shown up.

You are right that this is not an innocent compliment. The subtext is that you are trying too hard, and that your efforts just look silly.

But that is only a subtext. You do not really have to deal with that.

A disarming alternative is to take it on face value, as a compliment. Responding, “Thank you, I’m glad you like it” at least shows your friend that the implied insult misfired. And Miss Manners gives you permission to add, “It’s what I’m wearing to the Oscars.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I realize it’s an unpleasant world with unpleasant people who are going to say unpleasant things. But sometimes, you have to get down on their level in order for them to get the message.

For instance, in cases where a stranger calls someone fat, that person could give an equally rude response, such as: “Yeah? Well, you’re majorly ugly, and at least I can diet.”

Not exactly taking the high road, but sometimes it feels good to get down in the gutter.

GENTLE READER: Thank you for your attempt at helping in the noble cause of mannerliness, but Miss Manners is afraid that your suggestion represents the problem, not the solution. In pursuing the laudable goal of lessening the amount of unpleasantness in the world, you are proposing adding to it.

That low road is extremely crowded. If you want to help, please stay off of it.

Perhaps it would help you to know that retaliatory rudeness never works. Do you really believe that the person you call ugly will reflect on having provoked you with a similar insult?

Besides, why are you even engaging with rude strangers? The ultimate insult is refusing to acknowledge another person’s existence. Better yet, ignoring the person passes the etiquette test. (Detractors condemn such responses as passive-aggressive, but Miss Manners much prefers them to aggressive-aggressive.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What are the two main subjects you should not discuss?

GENTLE READER: There are three: Politics, religion and sex (including gender). If you think this restriction is outdated, you haven’t tried launching these topics lately.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was taught that at formal dinner parties, bread plates were not used, and that they were not considered part of a formal place setting for multi-course meals. Now, I am given to understand that formal dinner place settings include bread plates, placed to the left of the charger, and a small bread-and-butter knife.

I was also taught that the correct order was for a salad to be served after the main course, not before, so the salad fork and knife were "inside" of the main course fork and knife. Are these two rules obsolete?

GENTLE READER: You were taught correct social manners. But how many social seated dinner parties in other people’s homes have you attended in recent years?

What has happened is that purely social get-togethers over meals now mostly take place in restaurants, and the procedures of expensive restaurants have come to be considered correct formal practices.

Miss Manners is not deriding restaurants here; she understands that they have different requirements. In a household, the meal is ready to be served when the guests are called to the table. Fine restaurants must wait for customers’ orders before preparing the food.

And those customers are hungry, so the restaurants give them bread and salad to keep them from chewing the napkins.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)