DEAR MISS MANNERS: I live in a large city, and used to enjoy going out to lunch or dinner with friends. However, the loud music combined with the lack of sound-absorbing materials in restaurants have made dining out a stressful event.

It has become almost impossible to converse in a normal tone of voice. As we age, many of us wear hearing aids. It is difficult to distinguish words in a background of noise. Many young people also complain about the decibel level.

We often ask the waitstaff if the volume can be lowered, but to no avail. (If we are the only people in the restaurant, the volume might be lowered, but as soon as another party enters, the volume is pumped up again.)

No wonder people have lost the ability to converse! What can we do, other than staying home and getting takeout delivered?

GENTLE READER: You are more likely to enjoy your evening out if you choose a restaurant by decibel level, just as you would select a type of cuisine, such as Moroccan or Sichuan.

Miss Manners suggests that you call ahead and explain that you are looking for a quiet restaurant.

No restaurateur wants an unhappy customer, so they are unlikely to mislead you, and your call might make them wonder if they should be turning down the volume.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an RN, and I spent most of my 30-year career working at a community hospital near my home. It didn’t have the greatest reputation, but it had some great doctors and nurses, and I was proud of the work we did.

When asked, I tell people where I worked, and am often met with, “Oh, I would never go to that hospital” or “I hate that hospital.” (This also happened while I was still working there!)

I am at a loss as to how to respond to these rude people. Usually, I just ignore the ignorant comment, but sometimes, I’d like to have a comeback ready that would make them aware how hurtful and thoughtless they are. Any ideas?

GENTLE READER: Tell them you are sorry they had a bad experience -- or whatever they are relating about the hospital. Miss Manners fears that you may be in for a long story.

Then mention that you worked with some very dedicated professionals, but do not know the current situation. And change the subject.

Please, however, note Miss Manners’ full answer. You asked how to make them realize they were rude and feel bad about it. She did that -- and possibly also got them to rethink their opinion of the hospital.

You neglected to ask how to do this without starting an argument or convincing the questioner that you are just as bad as the hospital. Which is what would have happened, had you contradicted them without giving them an out, or by glaring at them and letting the conversation grind to a halt.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a professor at a small university. One of my colleagues has the annoying habit of entering my office without knocking. These are not social visits: She invariably needs help with her computer or wants to borrow instructional materials, and she just opens the door and walks in.

Before we moved to this building, her office was a few doors down from mine, and she would simply shout for me whenever she needed something. If I didn’t respond, she would shout louder.

I finally sent her a testy email asking her to come to my door rather than shout for me as if I were a dog. She stopped doing this, but her feelings were clearly hurt.

She just doesn’t pick up on the subtler signals of body language and tone of voice by which most people would realize that their behavior had offended someone.

I know there must be some verbal middle ground between hoping she will notice my compressed lips and clipped manner, and blowing up and asking if she was raised by wolves, but I don’t know what it is.

I think she feels that offices are somehow public spaces and that knocking is unnecessary, but my policy has always been to knock on my colleagues’ doors, even if they are ajar or fully open, and wait to be invited in.

A friend has suggested that I keep my door locked, even while I’m in my office, but I really don’t like the inaccessibility this creates, especially for my students. (Also, I’m fundamentally lazy and prefer not to have to get up and cross the room to open the door every time someone knocks.)

Please tell me what to do or say that will get the job done without unnecessarily embarrassing or offending this person.

GENTLE READER: This is going to be easy. Think of this person as you would a student who lacks knowledge which it is your job to teach.

Miss Manners will, however, remind you that your methods are different when teaching graduate students and undergraduates: more collegial, with a recognition of greater expertise and experience. Thus, not “You are supposed to knock before entering,” but rather, “Please knock, as I might be occupied.”

It may be a learning experience for you as well.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I don’t know if it’s a faux pas for an adult to cry in public, excepting at a wedding or funeral. I think most people would not cry in public on purpose, but I know I have on occasion (as discreetly as possible), when I could not seek privacy in time.

I have also seen people crying, and I sympathize. If we notice an adult crying in public, is it more polite to pretend we don’t see them? Offer a handkerchief? Say something?

GENTLE READER: A legitimate reason to take notice would be to see if there is something one can do, which includes either rectifying the underlying cause or expressing sympathy. Not, Miss Manners must emphasize, satisfying one’s own curiosity about the cause.

Which reason applies will depend on circumstances -- as well as whether you yourself were the cause.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have just received a delivery notice that two bottles of wine are on the way to me. This is the fourth such delivery, from a financial professional who manages some of my accounts. I have always sent a nice thank-you afterwards.

The problem: I don’t drink wine! I just give it to someone who does appreciate it.

What bothers me is that while I am not an alcoholic, I have close friends and family who are. I think it is quite thoughtless for a professional hoping to curry favor to send a gift that could be really offensive, or even harmful, to someone. What if he sent a box of cigars to someone who was trying to quit smoking?

My husband says, “People just give wine. Nobody thinks about it.” Should I just keep saying "thank you" and not mentioning that it ends up in other hands?

GENTLE READER: Not all presents succeed, which is a good reason not to direct them to people you know nothing about, as a business ploy.

Kind-hearted folks keep telling Miss Manners that donating to charity in other people’s honor should, in effect, replace the custom of giving presents. Those having an event -- a wedding, birthday party or such -- that is associated with presents, but who don’t want stuff, often suggest making a charitable donation instead. Those who don’t know what to give make donations in the names of people to whom they owe presents.

And donating to charity is the common solution for disposing of unwanted presents, but that is kind of problematic in this particular case. It often is, when the recipient has no interest in -- or even objects to -- the charity.

And what a shame it would be to destroy the ancient custom of exchanging symbols of thoughtfulness.

If this were from friends, it would be unkind to let them know how thoughtless their presents were. But a business acquaintance who is not expected to know your preferences may be thanked and then told, “Actually, we do not drink.”

And your husband is correct that wine has become merely a default offering, especially as host presents. Never mind that this used to be considered insulting -- not because of anything related to alcohol problems, but because it insinuated that the host’s wine wouldn’t be drinkable.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I retired a few years ago. I use words like stewardess, actress and waitress. My sister tells me that these words are no longer in use.

Are these words obsolete? Has the woke mob been tampering with our dictionary?

GENTLE READER: Surely you must have been wide awake enough to notice that the person who delivered your peanuts on an airplane was sometimes male, and that another male sometimes took your order at the local eatery.

Yes, various jobs are no longer gender-specific.

Miss Manners would be sorry to think that retirement had left you oblivious to the dynamics of life, which, indeed, lexicographers must follow. You may not always like the way the world evolves, but to deny it is to condemn yourself to social stagnation.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)