DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a freelance journalist who has been living, off and on, in the private room of a hostel off the beaten path. I love the place because it’s gorgeous and usually has excellent vibes, but there are basically 15 of us keeping it in business. It is unfortunately quite close to a war zone.

Anyway, the most recent time I visited, there was a new volunteer at the hostel. After I had checked out and said my goodbyes, I walked through the gate to catch my ride-share to the airport. This volunteer then blocked my way and cornered me. She went on a yelling, screaming rant, saying that I hadn’t left my private room (which I paid $100/night for) clean enough for her liking, and that it’s “not her job” to clean up after me.

I hadn't even been aware she was a volunteer, as I hadn’t seen her work at all before, and certainly didn’t know she was making up my room. I calmly explained to her that I had tried to clean it a bit (to which she responded, in a mocking tone, “Oh, you tried???”), that most guests don’t clean their rooms in hostels at all, and that when I was a hostel volunteer, I changed something like 200 people’s beds in a day -- and that it was, in fact, her job. She continued to argue with me and corner me, attempting to prevent me from accessing my ride.

What was most upsetting was that the owner refused to fire her because it would be “bad for morale.” He fully expected me to come back a week later -- which was originally the plan -- but didn’t even offer an apology for the way I was treated, or any assurances as to consequences for her behavior.

I’m so furious. My loyalty, my money, my friendship over the past year ... it’s meant nothing, I guess. I want to go back, but this experience has been extremely upsetting. What do I do now?

GENTLE READER: One would have thought yelling at the clients was bad for morale, but these days, Miss Manners is not so sure.

There are, no doubt, a number of ways to voice your displeasure to a wider audience online, but that will neither restore the status quo ante, nor get you an apology -- which is presumably the goal.

Either or both of those outcomes may be possible with a private note to the owner, expressing your disappointment and saying that you won’t be returning since you no longer feel welcome or safe.

It is then up to him to make matters right. Once things have calmed down and the volunteer has moved on -- and once he realizes he has lost one of his 15 core customers -- the owner will no doubt see things in a different light.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I think the reason that people think using “ma’am” or “sir” is offensive stems from the idea that you have to assume someone’s gender identity in order to use them.

There are many people whose appearance doesn’t match their identity. Assuming one knows that information based on looks, or even voice, can cause distress for people, especially if they are early in a transition or if they are gender nonconforming.

I, like you, was raised to be polite. "Ma’am" and "sir" were my normal ways of addressing people. It has been difficult to shift how I talk to people, but I have done so, not because I don’t want to be respectful, but because I do.

I genuinely wish there were a universal, gender-neutral honorific to use in the English language. I want something that showed I respect people enough to be polite, but also enough not to assume I know (possibly private) information about them.

I know gender-neutral honorifics do exist in other languages, but English is sadly lacking. Even a typically polite and well-mannered individual such as myself may choose to forgo the use of "ma’am" and "sir."

GENTLE READER: It would be useful, Miss Manners agrees, to have such a word, and thereby dispense with one of the limitless causes at which people take offense.

So would you and other Gentle Readers please give it a try and suggest one?

A few warnings: It should be dignified and easy to say. A word already in use is preferable, if it is not too confusing, because people do not take easily to made-up words. For example, “partner” is confusing when used for a nonmarital romantic alliance, as opposed to a business partnership -- or, for that matter, tennis or bridge partners -- but it won out over “significant other,” which was not only an invention, but also silly.

But please do try.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When should one respond to an RSVP request if not planning to attend?

I have been sending regrets for small (less than 20 people) group invitations, but am not sure what is expected and most helpful when included in a mass mailing such as for a fundraising event.

For example, I received an invitation that went to hundreds of donors for a meet-the-staff event with appetizers and drinks.

Does it matter if one knows the sender from previous personal contacts (in this case, with the organization’s donor coordinator)? Does it matter if each guest’s attendance requires extra preparation and investment, such as a meal?

GENTLE READER: Does the invitation have a little price list for buying tickets to attend?

Far be it from Miss Manners to suggest that any invitation go unanswered. But some items that use the form of invitations are actually ticket sales slips, and may be ignored by those not planning to buy. Asking for the pleasure of your paid company, whether to a fancy dinner or a mattress sale, does not qualify as an invitation.

But it is courteous to answer all real invitations, even to mass events. No one may be heartbroken at your refusal to attend, but it may be helpful to the planners to assess numbers.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am getting married in a traditional church ceremony. My father, who will be giving me away, has refused to wear a tuxedo on the grounds that it is a “monkey suit,” even though all of the other men in the wedding party will be wearing one.

I gave in, because I want him to be happy and comfortable. Now he says he will not wear a tie, either. My mother and I have tricked him into wearing a nice new silk jacket and haven’t mentioned anything about him wearing shoes other than sneakers ... yet. I would give in again if I thought he was actually going to be in any real pain, but I can’t see how wearing a tie for an hour is painful.

The real problem is that he hates wearing formal clothes. I feel like his refusal to wear a tux or tie demonstrates a lack of respect for what is, to me, a deeply important formal ceremony. It feels like he cares more about not wearing formal clothes than he does about his daughter.

When I mentioned to my mother that I was unhappy about his decision, I was told an anecdote that implied that I cared more about clothes and appearances than about my father, who loves me, and that I should just take what I can get and let the rest go.

Am I really being that unreasonable?

GENTLE READER: The person who cares too much about clothes is your father.

He cares desperately about what he wears, to the extent of upsetting his beloved daughter on a unique and special occasion.

Like you, he considers formal clothes to be symbolic. But while you interpret formality as a show of respect and festivity, he believes it symbolizes snobbery. Your version is indeed the standard one, but his is typical of a (mostly male) minority.

Miss Manners agrees that one of you should put aside those feelings simply to indulge the strongly held feelings of the other, however wrong you consider them to be. Someone has to be the grown-up here. One would expect a father to do this for his daughter, especially for one hour at her wedding. But as yours refuses, you are stuck with rising above the childishness.

If guests are startled -- or, more likely, amused -- at your father’s being tieless and wearing sneakers, that is his problem. He may not care about their reactions, or he may take pride in defying the dress code.

You might, however, warn him that his act of rebellion might be interpreted as disapproval of the wedding.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I remember reading about olden invitation cards that might say, “Tea at 5, carriages at 7:30.”

GENTLE READER: Yes, it was a polite way of saying, "Don’t think you’re staying for dinner."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it in bad taste to throw yourself a baby shower?

GENTLE READER: Yes, whether you are the baby, the embryo or the mother. And that goes for the mother’s mother, and anyone else in the family.

Sadly, hosting one's own (or one's relative's) shower emphasizes that there are no friends who care enough to do it.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)