DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my mother passed away some years ago, my brother and his wife placed a stuffed black cat toy in her casket. My mother had owned several black cats.

Months later, I was opening a Christmas gift from my brother. It turned out to be a stuffed black cat. He said, "Do you know where that came from?" Of course I knew! My mouth dropped open.

Miss Manners, was this absolutely the worst Christmas gift ever, or am I missing something? I don’t understand how anyone could gift something that had been in a casket. Am I overly sensitive?

GENTLE READER: Back up. Miss Manners needs some clarification on the mechanics of this.

She is presuming that the casket was not closed at the visitation, and that your brother and his wife grabbed the cat before it became so? Please do not tell her that they dug up a grave.

Of course, neither scenario is appealing, and it is not surprising that anyone would be sensitive about it, to say the least. No one would blame you if you hid the toy cat in the back of a closet, never to be seen again.

Miss Manners only asks that you resist the temptation to pass it back to them at the next holiday, playing a twisted game of “not it” by way of revenge.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have several nieces and nephews I adore. While they were growing up, I always sent a birthday card, even if there was no family birthday celebration.

I would add a check for a modest financial gift up until their 21st birthday, after which I would simply send a card and a text. Some nieces and nephews now have children of their own, so I send cards and money to them.

None of my siblings or siblings-in-law send birthday cards, to my knowledge, unless there’s a party. I guess I do this because I want to let my nieces and nephews know I love them and they are important to me. I want to make them feel a little special on their birthday, and express a closeness to my extended family. It makes me feel good to do so.

Now, though, it occurs to me that it’s possible these cards may make people feel uncomfortable. Especially when there’s money in them, and especially when the gift goes to their little children. I wouldn’t want them to be uncomfortable or embarrassed. What is your take on this, please?

GENTLE READER: That having already renewed the tradition, it is going to be tricky to stop now. Your grandnieces and -nephews may wonder why suddenly you do not want them to feel special.

To be clear, Miss Manners has never liked sending money as a present. But the thought of a young child who has been used to receiving a check in her card, shaking it up and down and wondering if she did something wrong, is too much for even her glacial heart to bear.

She therefore suggests you continue the tradition until they turn 18 or 21. If it helps, virtually no one except Miss Manners gets uncomfortable or embarrassed by receiving money -- and your relatives will no doubt appreciate you continuing the gesture for their children, putting the money away for their future expenses.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have a difference of opinion about emails sent from “do not reply” addresses. I say that, in principle, they display poor manners. They are akin to saying something to somebody and then putting your hands over your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” (like children do).

Now, I understand why a business or nonprofit (or scammer or spammer) would want to send out thousands of emails without accepting replies, which they might be obligated to respond to.

But I say if YOU start a dialogue by sending ME an email, then you should be ready to continue the dialogue by letting me reply.

GENTLE READER: The reason you cite -- not having to monitor responses to automated, bulk, commercial emails -- is indeed why "do not reply" email addresses were invented.

Miss Manners notes this because she finds that new technology requires new etiquette much less frequently than technophiles imagine. The pre-internet equivalent is the sign on the company warehouse that reads, “This is the company’s central shipping facility. If you are looking for retail sales or customer service, please call this number.”

If there are limitations on the sender's ability to respond, it is not rude to say so, so long as they provide alternate means. But you should certainly object if your wife proposes to hang such a sign on the front door.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I discovered what looked like a batch of pruned vines in my backyard. There is some ivy that grows on the walls shared by several of us in proximity, and it appears the neighbors behind us cut the pieces that were hanging in their yard and tossed them over into ours.

While I am always willing to help our neighbors, I thought it rude of them to toss the mess into our yard. What is wrong with people that they feel they cannot approach their neighbors to ask if we could cut the plants -- or for any favor, for that matter?

By the way, this neighbor also drilled a foot-high eyebolt (to support patio lights) into the shared block wall without mentioning or considering us first. Sadly, this course of action is just another example how neighborly etiquette has gone out the window.

GENTLE READER: You mention the eyebolt in passing, but it is at the root of the problem. Too many homeowners, if asked why they did not approach a neighbor about a planned improvement, exaggerate reasonable amounts of selfishness and fear into worst-case scenarios.

“It’s really not up to them what color curtains I have” becomes “I have an absolute right to do what I want with my house,” while “I’d rather not be yelled at by someone I barely know” becomes “What if they have a gun?”

But the link between not talking to the neighbors and the breakdown in civility is cause and effect. Why be considerate of someone you barely know? Miss Manners’ solution would be to find an excuse to do one or two things that require minimal effort, but are neighborly, such as turning over mail meant for them, but misdelivered to you, in person -- rather than throwing it at the window as you pull down the driveway. These days, such things are so unexpected they should make your neighbor think twice next time they are pruning the vines.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve witnessed many women leaving their purses unattended in the toddler seat of grocery carts. They will turn their back to the cart to look for an item nearby, usually for less than a minute.

However, a couple weeks ago, I turned into an aisle at the grocery store and there was a cart at the other end of the aisle with a purse sitting in the toddler seat. I stopped and waited for about three minutes before a woman came around the corner, put an item in the cart and moved along. She picked up a few more items, paid for the purchase and left the store.

I was wondering if I should have said something to her, since she had intentionally left her purse unattended for a minimum of three minutes. If so, what should I have said?

I don’t want to approach someone if this is none of my business or could possibly result in a confrontation or rude rebuke. However, I would like to be helpful if it will help prevent a theft.

GENTLE READER: Your duty to intervene increases with the value of the object and the likelihood it will be purloined. You would presumably not be asking if it were a question of, “Mister, hands off that baby.” Or “Get your own can of peas -- this one is taken.”

The case you describe may exceed the normal deference shown to the foolishly risk-tolerant. Absent a robbery in progress, however, speaking still requires an apologetic tone: “Excuse me, forgive me for saying anything, but there have been some recent thefts of unattended items and you might want to keep an eye on your purse.”

You will forgive Miss Manners the invention of these "recent robberies," but it is necessary: Sharing information is helpful, while telling someone how to behave is rude. Combined with not intervening too often, this will minimize the number of rude responses.

Just do not be surprised that, when you do say something, the immediate reaction will be to clutch the purse and look at you as if you are a robber.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a restaurant eating spaghetti, and through my own carelessness, a meatball rolls off my plate and onto the floor, coming to rest near my feet.

Should I let it be, leaving it for the waitstaff to find and deal with? Or should I dive down and pick it up, either with my hand or napkin? If I do pick up the errant meatball, where does it go?

GENTLE READER: Are you sure you want to wait that long for someone else to find it, presumably after the meal?

Miss Manners would be afraid she would forget, only to be reminded upon squishily standing up. Fearing the same outcome, not to mention an unpleasant reception should she ever wish to return to the restaurant, she would be reluctant to kick it further infield.

Someone has to dive for it -- either you, a tablemate who is nearer, or a waiter. It should be picked up with, and remain in, a napkin, warning the waiter what you are handing over when you ask for a fresh one.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)