DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at dinner with two friends, and one shared the terrible news that her beloved dog had been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. The only treatment is to make the dog comfortable for as long as possible, probably not more than a few months.

In tears, she said, “This is our kid,” and the other friend stiffened.

The other friend and I both have children, and I knew what she was thinking, but I hoped the grieving friend wouldn’t notice her reaction. Unfortunately, she did, and when she asked about it, the other friend opined that a pet and a child were two different things.

My grieving friend looked at me for support, and I just froze. I’ve lost a beloved cat -- a one-in-a-thousand cat, best cat I have ever had, she’s still the wallpaper on my phone 10 years later -- but if I’d lost one of my children, I agree that it would feel different than that.

I just froze, and she could tell I agreed that a dog is different from a child. I don’t know what I should have said, and I don’t know what I can say now to make it any better.

GENTLE READER: Has your other friend never heard the venerable declaration, “Comparisons are odious”?

Well, they are. A loss is a loss, and it is cruel to denigrate it with a comparison to another type of loss. Would you comfort a friend whose car was stolen by saying that it wasn’t as bad as having one’s house burn down?

Miss Manners understands your regret, but it is fortunate that you merely froze, rather than taking up the offensive stance. If you now offer some sympathy, perhaps your grieving friend will feel that she misinterpreted your look.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We own a home in a fairly nice neighborhood where people take good care of their homes and gardens. Many of our neighbors have housekeepers, gardeners, carpenters, etc.

I occasionally cross paths with these service providers and want to ask them for their business cards, but a voice in my head says I should ask my neighbors first and go through them. Any advice?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Listen to that voice.

Poaching other people’s domestic help is not looked upon kindly. You do not conclude a dinner party by asking to compliment the cook, who has been with the family for three generations, and then offering to double her salary if she will defect.

But Miss Manners may have been thrown off by your “fairly nice neighborhood” remark, which sounds like an understated, rich-people way of describing what appear to be heavily staffed households. Perhaps you only meant the gardening service that comes seasonally, or the carpenter who responded when someone put a foot though the wooden terrace.

In such cases, they might welcome extra work, and it would not be at the expense of their relationship with the neighbors.

Still, it is courteous -- and informative -- to go through their present employers. You need only ask, “Are you happy with the people who do your lawn? Do they take on other jobs?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have now been to three (!) weddings where I found out that the couple was already married, and just going through the motions.

The first was a couple who had gotten legally married weeks prior to the wedding so he could go on her health insurance.

The second was an older couple who said they'd never had a “real wedding.” That made me think they hadn't really been married all along, but it turns out they had been; they just hadn't had the kind of event they'd wanted.

The last one, which sent me over the brink, was our college friends. Since our larger friend group is now spread out in different cities, this couple traveled around, repeating the wedding ceremony to "save people the expense of traveling."

My mother asks me why I care if people want to make fools of themselves, and why I can’t just “be nice” and celebrate with my friends. The answer is because I’m expected to go along with this farce and play the Wedding Guest: dressing up, sitting through it all, congratulating them, and -- here’s the main part -- spending serious money to buy them something from their registry list.

In fact, I'm expected to do all of the above many times over, if I go to their pre-wedding (but post-marriage!) parties, which I try to avoid. Am I right or wrong?

GENTLE READER: You are certainly right that people are now using the word “wedding” to refer to the party associated with the marriage ceremony, rather than -- as defined in the Oxford English Dictionary, and dating from Old English -- the act of getting married.

Thus the festivities you mention -- no doubt including the heroine’s white dress and the pastry chef’s white iced cake -- are considered to be the weddings.

And you are right that in cases where the party is, so to speak, divorced from the legal ceremony, the guests generally overlook that omission. If you read about the splashy so-called weddings of celebrities, you must have noted that the guests scrupulously refer to the already married couple as only affianced until the reenactment has taken place.

Miss Manners can understand your reluctance to play a supporting role in this rerun. The emotional component of witnessing the establishment of a marriage is missing.

You need only politely decline to attend. Nevertheless, you should recognize that many people have transferred their concept of cementing a union from the ceremony to the celebration. Should you care about such people, you might attend.

Perhaps it will help if you think of it as merely a delayed wedding reception or an anniversary party, without the pretense that you are witnessing a marriage ceremony.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate name to use on an envelope containing a letter to a widow? Mrs. John Doe, Mrs. Ellen Doe, Ms. John Doe, Ms. Ellen Doe?

GENTLE READER: What this lady called herself before, Miss Manners cannot guess. Everyone has an opinion about the correct address for ladies, and everyone is indignant when others’ choices are different.

But Miss Manners can relieve your anxiety about widows: They are addressed exactly as they were before their husbands died. However that was.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: On our neighborhood app, one of my neighbors cautioned that two young men had recently knocked on her door. She could see them on the security camera and she did not know them. She thought them odd, but opened the door anyway.

Nothing bad happened, but she felt unsettled and brought the interaction to our community’s attention.

I commented that it was fine to ignore knocking and to not open your door to strangers, adding that it is not even impolite. Another neighbor disagreed and said it was impolite. Please settle the question.

GENTLE READER: Safety -- and legality -- transcend etiquette’s social obligations. You do not need to be welcoming to someone who is robbing your house.

The fact that your neighbor was unsettled is enough evidence to affirm that she should not have opened the door. Trespassers of any kind need not be treated as guests, Miss Manners assures you. Even the police may not enter without a warrant.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While traveling abroad on a group tour, I invited three travel companions to share a bottle of wine with me, and they agreed. None of us were teetotalers.

As the waiter poured for us, one lady refused the wine and ordered a soda. Was I obligated to pay for the soda? I did, but if she had decided on a cocktail instead of the wine, what would my obligation have been?

GENTLE READER: Obligation is a strong word, but it was a reasonable presumption that you were treating your companions to a round of drinks, not just that one particular bottle of wine. That your friend deviated from the plan is less of an assault on protocol than you make it out to be.

Paying the nominal cost for her soda -- which she might have ordered for any number of reasons: a pending work call, say, or a propensity to headaches from that type of wine -- was the gracious thing to do. Getting her a cocktail, if she preferred, would have likewise been kind, although the added expense might have prompted her to offer to pay.

In either case, real or imagined, Miss Manners thinks the cost of accommodating your friend’s changed mind could hardly be greater than that of hurting the friendship and maintaining a grudge.

And she trusts that they will treat you for the next round.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a number of food allergies. I can manage them when dining at home, and even in some restaurants, where I can choose what I can handle and request “leave-outs.” But dining at other people’s homes is a challenge.

If a host/hostess announces their menu ahead of time, and I can tell there’s nothing I can eat, what do I do? Go, but take small portions and pretend to eat, possibly asking a neighboring diner to eat what I can’t?

Not go at all, even though I’d like to see them? Or tell them I’d love to come, but will need to bring my own fare, as delicious as theirs sounds? Please help. I’m discombobulated.

GENTLE READER: Allergies (not mere preferences) are legitimate things to mention to a dinner host, even if unsolicited. The inconvenience of rearranging a menu, Miss Manners assures you, is still less than that of having to resuscitate a guest.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)