DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is turning 9 soon, and we will be having a small party with four of her closest friends. We are hosting the party at the clubhouse facility in our condo complex.

There is a fifth girl we know, "Kiara," who also lives in the complex, with whom my daughter sometimes plays. I consider her mom somewhat of a friend, though we do not spend time together without the kids. Our older sons are friends, as well.

However, my daughter does not wish to invite Kiara to her birthday party because she does not feel as close to her as to the four friends we’ve invited. I asked my daughter if she would at least consider inviting Kiara, as she lives directly across from the clubhouse, and she will most likely see the guests and recognize them from school. She will also hear about the party through her brother.

My daughter still refuses, saying Kiara has been “rude” at past events.

I want to respect my daughter’s right to choose her guests, but I don’t want to exclude Kiara from a party of people she knows, happening right outside her door. To my way of thinking, that makes US rude! Please let me know how you would handle this.

GENTLE READER: Is it too late to move?

Miss Manners sees two problems, not one. The first is that Kiara should be included, for the reasons you mention. It would be best if you had explained this to your daughter from the start -- that you understand and sympathize with her reluctance to include Kiara, but that it will still be a wonderful party and everyone will have a great time. Kiara lives right across the hall and we do not want her to feel left out.

Nine-year-olds are old enough to understand, but young enough to move on if they realize the point is settled.

Which brings us to the second problem: your having left the decision up to your daughter. Now you will have to make clear what the right decision is -- a more difficult proposition.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had been giving thoughtful and sometimes expensive birthday and holiday gifts to a close relative. We are both adults in the same age group.

I stopped giving gifts a year or two ago because I did not receive a gift or even a card for many years. I continued to send cards.

My relative is now complaining that she doesn’t hear from me. This is not true. I believe she is reacting to not receiving gifts. I wish to be kind. Should I resume the gifts?

GENTLE READER: You may be right that your relative’s comment is a subtle complaint at the suspension of gifts, but if so, it is too subtle for Miss Manners. Certainly it is no reason to resume giving gifts to someone who neither reciprocates nor acknowledges them.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a Ph.D. student in a college town where the local public bus also serves as the campus bus, and students get free fare. As a result, it is often very crowded, mostly with undergrads.

At my advanced age of 30, I have learned (or at least thought I'd learned) that on a very crowded bus, it is accepted practice to get off the bus briefly to let other people off if you are blocking the door.

It seems, however, that NO ONE does this. Undergrads stand there blocking the door while five to 10 people try to get off. They are dumbstruck, as if there is no solution to the predicament they find themselves in. This is exacerbated by the fact that everyone is wearing headphones (including me, to be fair).

I’ve been putting up with this for years. Recently, in a fit of agitation, I yelled “MOVE!” at people blocking the door, in a tone similar to a cow. This didn’t feel great.

Am I correct that getting off the bus briefly is the best practice here? If so, do you have any ideas on how I can politely impart this knowledge to these new-to-the-bus riders?

To be fair to these poor kids, one time I found myself blocking the door, so I stepped off -- and the bus tried to leave without me. I was forced to yell for the driver to wait (which he did). I think they’re just afraid of this happening, and are too scared or inexperienced to communicate with the driver.

GENTLE READER: It would indeed be easier if people stepped off the bus, but Miss Manners fears that no one is going to deputize you as the bus police, so you will have to concentrate on getting out yourself.

Most people are embarrassed to raise their voices in public and therefore equate it with being rude. But one can speak loudly -- shout, even -- in a noisy environment without therefore having to resort to mooing or worse. “COMING OUT, PLEASE!” works.

You can also try to ease your way by warning the person in front of you that yours is the next stop -- although you will then be stuck when they tell you that they are also getting off there.

If you do step off to allow others to exit, hold the bus door open for those disembarking.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: An old friend got in touch after some years apart and said she would like to come visit. That’s great with me, but I am wondering how best to entertain her since we haven’t seen one another in years.

Is it polite to inquire ahead what she would like to drink? I don’t want to imply that I think she has to have alcohol, although in the “old days,” the question “Beer, wine or whiskey?” seemed perfectly normal. What’s the best way to put it?

GENTLE READER: Pick something more neutral from your shared past and ask if she still enjoys that. Miss Manners expects her to be charmed that you remember -- even if you get it wrong.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have skills and interests that are rather unusual in modern times. I enjoy these hobbies immensely, though I make a point of not bringing them up with new acquaintances, since they are not likely to make a two-way conversation flow.

When I meet a friend of a friend, however, my interests are invariably a part of the introduction, usually followed by a comment like, “She’s so good at everything, it makes me sick!”

I am certainly not good at everything. There are plenty of things I am just terrible at! Perhaps there is talent in what I do well, beyond the learning of a skill, but I have worked hard to develop that talent -- not to show off, but just because it fascinates me.

I would be absolutely thrilled to teach anyone who wanted to learn, since I hate to think of these skills becoming extinct. Really, anybody who wanted to learn could.

I realize that my friends mean to express admiration for skills they do not possess and do not care to gain, but being told I "make them sick" is very off-putting to me, and I have no idea how I am supposed to respond.

GENTLE READER: “Oh, I’m so sorry! I never dreamed my little interests would upset you. Are you going to be all right?”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My hair is so thin on top you can see my scalp. I am going to an upscale evening wedding. Would it be a social error to wear a hat?

GENTLE READER: Aren’t weddings what hats are for? Well, enhancing heads, too.

Perhaps you are concerned because it is an evening wedding. But in that case, you wear what is aptly called a fascinator -- something whimsical but without a brim, strategically placed.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother and his wife were visiting me for a week. During that week, I was invited to a barbecue at the home of some old friends.

I explained that my brother and sister-in-law were visiting and asked if it would be OK for them to attend. The hostess said “of course.” I made extra portions of food and brought them along.

Now, my spouse has said that it was rude of me to accept the invitation and that by asking whether my visiting brother could attend I was putting the hostess on the spot and that she could not say no.

As these are old friends, and I have met many of their families at other events (including ones I have hosted), I didn’t think asking this question about my own relatives was rude. Was it?

GENTLE READER: Well, there is a formula that makes it easier on the hostess. If you say, “Oh, we’d love to, but my brother and sister-in-law are visiting then,” she can say either “Please bring them” or “I’d love to meet them another time.”

There are polite ways to say no. If not, we would all be at the mercy of anyone suggesting anything.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)