DEAR MISS MANNERS: I own a beachfront timeshare with two bedrooms, each with a full bath attached. When I invite a guest, should I offer them the much larger “owner’s suite,” or the very-nice-but-smaller guest suite?

Do I take my guidance from the names of these spaces, or should I give my guest the larger space?

GENTLE READER: The reason you have a guest room -- a rather lush one, Miss Manners gathers -- is to avoid resenting your guest for displacing you from your own room. So please put your guest in the room for guests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When nonprofits display lists of their donors, I’ve seen couples' names written two ways. One way puts the female name first (e.g., Joan and James Smith) and the other puts the male name first (James and Joan Smith).

I was wondering if one is more proper than the other, or if there is a reason behind either method. I plan to mail some invitations to several couples for a function, and I want to know which format you would suggest I use.

GENTLE READER: People who have a marked preference for one or the other are probably influenced by conflicting traditions: namely, the common "Mr. and Mrs." form and the "ladies first" idea.

Both are in question these days, and we have not settled on a standard.

But why need your list be standardized? You should use each couple's preferences, if you know them. And organizations that list donors would be well-advised to add a line to their donation form, asking couples how they want to be identified.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A young cousin of mine graduated from high school this spring and will be going to college in the fall. I asked his mother what celebrations they were planning; she responded that he didn’t seem to be interested in having a party.

I wanted to acknowledge his accomplishments, so the next time I saw him (at another cousin’s wedding reception), I presented him with a graduation card with a small monetary gift inside. His parents may not be aware of this.

Since then, I have received an invitation to a party in his honor. I don’t want to show up empty-handed, but my budget limits my generosity. What would be the best way to proceed?

GENTLE READER: The present you gave him acknowledged his graduation. What would be the purpose of a second one? To demonstrate to the graduate’s parents that you are paying for admission to the party?

The don't-show-up-empty-handed mantra now rivals the don’t-use-the-guest-towels one: They are the rare directives that still command obedience in an otherwise lax society. People who do not respond to invitations, who feel free to criticize the menu and who never reciprocate still obey these supposed rules.

But guests are supposed to use the guest towels, and they create problems by grabbing the family towels or going without washing. And while it is charming to bring flowers or chocolates to hosts, it becomes a nuisance if every arrival hands over an odd bottle of wine or some random object, making the foyer look like a rummage shop.

Presents are voluntary. You wanted to give one to your cousin, and you did so; now decide if you want to give him a second one to impress his parents. Up to you.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Relative to the longstanding tradition of men proposing marriage to women, and in this day of slow (but hopefully inexorable) movement towards gender equity, I wonder if the percent of marriage proposals initiated by women has increased. Should it?

GENTLE READER: Sure, it should. In a sensible world, it would hardly matter which half of a couple suggested getting married.

But there is nothing sensible about what has happened to marriage proposals. In today’s show-offy society, where nothing counts unless it has received the widest possible publicity, marriage proposals have become performance art.

In what seems like a parody of a ritual that exists mostly in the imagination of cartoonists, the proposal requires the gentleman to be on his knees offering an astonished lady a box containing a ring. Apparently, he is also supposed to arrange for it all to be photographed, and there is extra credit for special effects, such as skywriting. And so that all this effort is not wasted on merely the lady, the couple's friends and relatives may be invited to make surprise appearances.

There is always the possibility of high drama if the proposal is refused. But generally, this is a staged event by couples who have already agreed to marry. That, alone, constitutes an engagement. Yet they claim that they are not engaged until this rite is performed.

That Miss Manners finds this laughable will not -- and should not -- discourage those who enjoy it. But she will point out that this pseudo-retro act is firmly cast by gender roles.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My young teen grandson has a steady girlfriend who is bright, beautiful and caring, and who makes my grandson happy.

They went to a school dance, and my daughter bought my grandson a special outfit for it. His girlfriend was lovely, but was wearing something that was clearly less than new. Of course, they had a wonderful evening. (Just for background: Yes, there is an economic difference between the two households.)

The prom is coming up, and I would love to give this young woman the prom dress of her choosing. It would warm my heart, but I don’t know how to suggest it or if I even should. There was a time in my life when I didn’t have something nice to wear to the prom.

Your thoughts? A gift card? A faux lottery win? I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

GENTLE READER: Then please do not let this young lady know that you considered her shabbily dressed. Miss Manners knows that you mean it kindly, but offering to upgrade the wardrobe of your grandson’s teenaged girlfriend is so out of proportion to the situation as to likely embarrass her and her family.

Her parents, or the girl herself, may well be offended at the notion that her family cannot afford to meet your family’s dress standards. They may feel that such a gesture leaves her indebted to you, with the implication that she is not free to break off the relationship if she ever wants to.

And she may do so, if she cannot help thinking that the young man was ashamed enough of her appearance to appeal to his family.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend and I have a long-standing, semi-joking disagreement, but I do think my behavior bothers her, and I just don’t understand why.

We typically meet for dinner. Now, I am not a big dining-out person. I am just not that interested in food. I’m more of an “eat to live” person, if you know what I mean.

My friend gets a lot more enjoyment out of food than I do, and I’m perfectly happy to spend time with her at a restaurant, even though the food itself isn’t a main selling point for me, if that makes sense. It’s a fine place to catch up with her.

The problem is that I usually ask the server to decide what I will have, instead of ordering myself. I have little interest in the food, and as employees, they certainly know the menu much better than I do, and what people want when they come to that restaurant.

Last week when asked for my order, I said, “Whatever makes sense!”

Well, the server and I had already chatted a little and he didn’t seem to have a problem with my order. He recommended something, and I was fine with it, but my friend was embarrassed and accused me, essentially, of being a poor restaurant patron.

She seems to feel that I’m putting some kind of burden on the servers and possibly making them uncomfortable by asking them to decide what I get. But to me, I’m simply streamlining an interaction in which the server is best placed to know what I should order. Is this really that weird?

GENTLE READER: That you do not have a passion for food is fine. That you are open to suggestions from your server is also fine.

But showing disdain for those who take it seriously by openly expressing your apathy is where Miss Manners -- and your friend -- found fault. That is what made the interaction with the server uncomfortable, not the asking itself. If that makes sense and you know what Miss Manners means.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I sent out party invitations that included my grandnephew. He RSVP'd that he would be attending, along with his girlfriend.

I had not invited the girlfriend -- I didn’t even know he had one! Of course she is welcome, but is there a polite way to tell him that guests don’t invite people who hadn’t been invited in the first place?

I don’t want to start a family feud, or to let his mother (my niece) think that I am trying to tell her how to raise her son. At least he RSVP'd.

GENTLE READER: True. But doing so only when one wants to invite other people surreptitiously does not make it even.

As a polite warning for future invitations, Miss Manners suggests you say to your niece, “We were so surprised and happy to hear that Chase has a girlfriend. Had we known, we would have put her on the invitation ... but I’m glad she was able to attend anyway.” Of course, you could also say this to Chase himself. In case he changes girlfriends.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)