DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended two touring Broadway shows, and many families were at each performance. For one show, some people wore costumes: Across from me, a child had on a rather large hat the whole time. At the other show, a nearby child sang along, loudly, to every song they knew.

Is it wrong to expect the accompanying adults to teach these children proper audience behavior?

GENTLE READER: “Proper audience behavior” is a topic of hot debate these days.

The silence that both you and Miss Manners prefer dates only from the early 20th century. Before that, audiences treated plays, and even operas, as if they were streaming the entertainments at home. That is to say, they talked and wandered around, paying attention only when something interested them.

Now the expectation of audience participation has spread to both movie and live theaters. That being the case, you would be wise to inquire about the venue's policy before buying tickets to future productions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a casual acquaintance whom I see regularly and have a high opinion of. This individual asked me to donate to a specific charity.

Generally, I would contribute a small amount, but the charity she named has a poor reputation among a great number of my friends, many of whom have the medical condition the charity claims to support.

I don’t want to rain on her parade or discourage the work she feels is important, and I would gladly contribute to another organization.

Is ignoring the request the kindest way to proceed? Is there a polite way to support my acquaintance’s charitable work without donating to this organization, which, in good conscience, I cannot?

GENTLE READER: Wouldn’t that charitable lady want to know about the problems others have had with that organization? As a donor, she might be in a position to look into those complaints and, if found valid, to request that they be addressed.

But it is not necessary to tell her, or even to extract another suggestion from her. When someone asks for a donation, you are not required to oblige. Miss Manners would think it better to give to charities you know to be effective. You can always mention them as an alternative response -- not as a return request, but to show that your philanthropy budget is already committed.

But even that is not required to be polite when responding to a solicitation: “Thank you for telling me about it” is sufficient. And indeed, in cases where you are inclined to give, it would be wise to give yourself that extra time to look into the value of the organization.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of my boyfriend posted a years-old photo of a bunch of their friends, and she tagged one person as a way of saying "happy birthday" to them.

The photo included my boyfriend and his then-girlfriend. Their breakup was very hard on him, which everyone knows. Everyone also knows he is doing well now, and has been in a relationship with me for three years.

My boyfriend pointed out the photo to me because he didn’t want me to find it on my own and feel badly about it. I was just hoping it didn’t make him too sad.

Was it tacky or thoughtless for his friend to post that photo? For some reason, it really got under my skin.

GENTLE READER: It is gracious of your boyfriend to be worried about your reaction -- and you, his. So while we are being gracious, why not assume that this friend was just being careless and did not intend harm?

Miss Manners suggests you chalk it up to the difficulty of finding nostalgic photos that are also up-to-date on current relationships -- and refrain from letting your anger fester any more than it has already.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his family live four hours away, and visit often with our two grandchildren. One rule I have is no food or drinks in the living room or bedrooms. Growing up, we were never allowed to have food anywhere but on a table.

Their family are big fans of a certain coffee business, and during a recent visit, drinks from this business were brought into their bedroom. The younger child, who is sometimes silly and constantly jumping around, caused a spill on the carpet.

I had his sister and him clean up the mess. I ended up feeling stressed, angry and guilty. My son, on the other hand, just worried that his money and drinks were wasted.

It is a constant struggle when they visit, because the parents allow food and drinks in their rooms at home. They feel that my not allowing this is valuing my furniture over the kids’ comfort. These kids also make their mom sleep on a cot while they take the guest bed. The mom goes along with it and never complains. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Your son cannot have his coffee and his jumping kids, too. If he does not want to waste things, he should have an interest in keeping food and beverages safely at the dining table. You might point out this discrepancy.

But while Miss Manners generally agrees that guests’ comfort takes precedence over rugs and furniture, she has her limits, and they usually apply to children. Just because they want to jump on the furniture and throw things in the house does not mean it should be allowed. A reiteration of that, and your other house rules, is reasonable and warranted.

As for the displacement of your daughter-in-law, that might better be left to their family. You could try saying loudly, “Margo, wouldn’t you prefer to sleep on the bed? I’m sure the kids won’t mind the cot. It will be like sleepaway camp.”

Incidentally, they may soon find out that sleepaway camp has so many rules, they’ll long for the simpler ones at Grandma’s house.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been with my fiance for 16 years. I have a good relationship with his mother, though I wouldn’t call us best friends.

We talk and get along well when we go to her house, but she and I don’t spend time together on our own -- only when my partner and I go visit her. Her husband died six months ago, so we have been trying to spend more time with her.

Anyway, she’s been asking me to call her “Mom.” As I am extremely close to my own mother, I’m just not comfortable with this. For now, I pretty much never call her anything! I just hug her and say, “Hi! How’ve you been?” without ever using a name, but it’s a little awkward, as you can imagine.

I am just not willing to call anyone else “Mom.” It would feel like an insult to my own mother. But explaining my reasoning to my partner's mother would offend her. She isn’t the type of woman to let me address her by her first name, so what else could I call her?

GENTLE READER: Blame your mother. Moms are used to taking the fall for their children, and if you are as close as you say, yours will likely be willing. Miss Manners suggests you say something like, “I am worried that it might upset my mom if I call someone else that, but let’s think of another name that will suit you and our relationship.”

Just make sure that you prepare your actual mom to corroborate the story the next time the two of them meet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am throwing a 50th birthday party for my spouse that will include lunch, games and an open bar, which I’m paying for. (The open bar is a surprise for guests!) I’ve saved up for this party, and for the large gift I purchased: a nice, but not too extravagant, musical instrument. I am very excited.

While talking to a family member, they told me I should not give my spouse their gift at the party because it would be showboating. Is it in poor taste to present a gift I’m proud to give my spouse at their party?

GENTLE READER: Doing so, and touting the open bar as a surprise, do betray some grandstanding -- drawing attention to how wonderful a host and spouse you are, rather than to the honoree. Rather, Miss Manners suggests giving the present to your spouse just before the party -- and letting them do the bragging on your behalf.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a preferred dinner party guest who can’t seem to stop himself from imposing a sales pitch on the party host (me). I’m not interested in the product! How can I politely shut off the sales pitch?

GENTLE READER: And why exactly is this guest preferred?

Miss Manners considers it the height of poor dinner guest behavior to solicit business. She suggests that next time he starts up, you cut him off by saying, “Howard, we’ve invited you over to socialize, not to help you drum up sales. Now, how is that adorable puppy of yours?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)