DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend of my boyfriend posted a years-old photo of a bunch of their friends, and she tagged one person as a way of saying "happy birthday" to them.

The photo included my boyfriend and his then-girlfriend. Their breakup was very hard on him, which everyone knows. Everyone also knows he is doing well now, and has been in a relationship with me for three years.

My boyfriend pointed out the photo to me because he didn’t want me to find it on my own and feel badly about it. I was just hoping it didn’t make him too sad.

Was it tacky or thoughtless for his friend to post that photo? For some reason, it really got under my skin.

GENTLE READER: It is gracious of your boyfriend to be worried about your reaction -- and you, his. So while we are being gracious, why not assume that this friend was just being careless and did not intend harm?

Miss Manners suggests you chalk it up to the difficulty of finding nostalgic photos that are also up-to-date on current relationships -- and refrain from letting your anger fester any more than it has already.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son and his family live four hours away, and visit often with our two grandchildren. One rule I have is no food or drinks in the living room or bedrooms. Growing up, we were never allowed to have food anywhere but on a table.

Their family are big fans of a certain coffee business, and during a recent visit, drinks from this business were brought into their bedroom. The younger child, who is sometimes silly and constantly jumping around, caused a spill on the carpet.

I had his sister and him clean up the mess. I ended up feeling stressed, angry and guilty. My son, on the other hand, just worried that his money and drinks were wasted.

It is a constant struggle when they visit, because the parents allow food and drinks in their rooms at home. They feel that my not allowing this is valuing my furniture over the kids’ comfort. These kids also make their mom sleep on a cot while they take the guest bed. The mom goes along with it and never complains. Am I wrong?

GENTLE READER: Your son cannot have his coffee and his jumping kids, too. If he does not want to waste things, he should have an interest in keeping food and beverages safely at the dining table. You might point out this discrepancy.

But while Miss Manners generally agrees that guests’ comfort takes precedence over rugs and furniture, she has her limits, and they usually apply to children. Just because they want to jump on the furniture and throw things in the house does not mean it should be allowed. A reiteration of that, and your other house rules, is reasonable and warranted.

As for the displacement of your daughter-in-law, that might better be left to their family. You could try saying loudly, “Margo, wouldn’t you prefer to sleep on the bed? I’m sure the kids won’t mind the cot. It will be like sleepaway camp.”

Incidentally, they may soon find out that sleepaway camp has so many rules, they’ll long for the simpler ones at Grandma’s house.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve been with my fiance for 16 years. I have a good relationship with his mother, though I wouldn’t call us best friends.

We talk and get along well when we go to her house, but she and I don’t spend time together on our own -- only when my partner and I go visit her. Her husband died six months ago, so we have been trying to spend more time with her.

Anyway, she’s been asking me to call her “Mom.” As I am extremely close to my own mother, I’m just not comfortable with this. For now, I pretty much never call her anything! I just hug her and say, “Hi! How’ve you been?” without ever using a name, but it’s a little awkward, as you can imagine.

I am just not willing to call anyone else “Mom.” It would feel like an insult to my own mother. But explaining my reasoning to my partner's mother would offend her. She isn’t the type of woman to let me address her by her first name, so what else could I call her?

GENTLE READER: Blame your mother. Moms are used to taking the fall for their children, and if you are as close as you say, yours will likely be willing. Miss Manners suggests you say something like, “I am worried that it might upset my mom if I call someone else that, but let’s think of another name that will suit you and our relationship.”

Just make sure that you prepare your actual mom to corroborate the story the next time the two of them meet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am throwing a 50th birthday party for my spouse that will include lunch, games and an open bar, which I’m paying for. (The open bar is a surprise for guests!) I’ve saved up for this party, and for the large gift I purchased: a nice, but not too extravagant, musical instrument. I am very excited.

While talking to a family member, they told me I should not give my spouse their gift at the party because it would be showboating. Is it in poor taste to present a gift I’m proud to give my spouse at their party?

GENTLE READER: Doing so, and touting the open bar as a surprise, do betray some grandstanding -- drawing attention to how wonderful a host and spouse you are, rather than to the honoree. Rather, Miss Manners suggests giving the present to your spouse just before the party -- and letting them do the bragging on your behalf.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have a preferred dinner party guest who can’t seem to stop himself from imposing a sales pitch on the party host (me). I’m not interested in the product! How can I politely shut off the sales pitch?

GENTLE READER: And why exactly is this guest preferred?

Miss Manners considers it the height of poor dinner guest behavior to solicit business. She suggests that next time he starts up, you cut him off by saying, “Howard, we’ve invited you over to socialize, not to help you drum up sales. Now, how is that adorable puppy of yours?”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received a group email from a younger family member that included all of the relatives of my generation, and some younger. The subject was a beloved aunt who passed away years ago.

Apparently, this young man had been doing some ancestry research, and sent the family some of his results regarding my aunt. It was filled with police reports and news stories regarding a violent and traumatic experience that my aunt suffered when she was young.

It was devastating to learn of this. Her own children knew nothing of their mother’s experience.

I feel that this was an incredibly intrusive act, and can’t imagine what his motivation was in sharing information that my aunt quite clearly wanted to be kept private. I’ve never responded, and I can’t think of a polite way to do so.

GENTLE READER: This conversation is going to involve correcting the young man’s manners -- something that can only be properly done by a parent or other person with similar standing. Therefore, the first question for you to answer is not "how?" but "who?"

Once you know that, you can then ask that person to speak with him, saying that while you are sure his intentions were good, his actions were thoughtless. As you said, the aunt obviously did not share the information herself because she wanted it kept private. Someone needs to alert him both to what he did and to the fact that, going forward, he needs to be more discreet.

Some follow-up communication, apologizing for his indiscretion, is likely necessary.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a word for a married couple’s parents to call each other?

We all live relatively close to each other and visit semi-regularly. No one I’ve asked has an answer. Maybe you can come up with something. I don’t really want to call them my “out-laws.”

GENTLE READER: Actual names usually work.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My dear neighbor regularly walks their dog on our fairly remote suburban streets, which don't have sidewalks, counter to the recommended method: They walk with traffic rather than facing it. They also walk with earbuds, listening to who knows what, making it difficult to hear traffic coming behind them.

I have gently pointed out that it’s the law, and safer, to walk facing traffic so they can see the cars coming. Their answer is that “the dog tells me when cars are coming.” The dog also walks to their left, into the traffic lane, further endangering the animal.

Yes, motorists are careful when they pass my neighbor on the road, but they also must be nervous that the walker does not fully acknowledge them.

I sincerely care about this person and do not want to see them (or the dog) hurt. How can I impress upon them to follow the rules on walking safely?

GENTLE READER: You have tried. Now you are going to have to hope for the best -- and remember that both etiquette and personal autonomy allow your neighbor to make their own choices.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)