DEAR MISS MANNERS: What do you say to someone who says they were going to give you something, "but ..."?

Two things that have actually happened to me:

1. I came home and my mom said, “By the way, are you hungry? I did cook you some dinner, but I ate it.”

2. I met a friend for lunch and she said, “Did you know I hosted a tea party? I thought about inviting you, but I didn’t.”

In both instances, it would’ve been better if nothing had been said. I would’ve been none the wiser.

In both instances, I said nothing in response. What would Miss Manners have said?

GENTLE READER: "I’m thinking about thanking you, but I probably won’t."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am undergoing chemotherapy treatment. Several times, when asked how I am feeling, I have mentioned some side effects from chemo -- only to be answered with, “Don’t you think that’s just your age?”

These are not symptoms that normally happen as people get older. Why do people feel that they have to offer an alternative explanation as to why someone feels bad?

Another time, while having lunch with friends, I had to get up twice to go to the bathroom. When I returned to the table the second time, one of the people asked me, “Do you have a problem?”

Really! What is wrong with people?

GENTLE READER: No filters, for one thing. People feel they must say something, even to the extent of monitoring one’s number of bathroom trips.

But Miss Manners acknowledges that there is also the less blameworthy impulse to offer comfort -- not just sympathy -- when there is no real comfort to be offered. That is why the afflicted are bombarded with amateur medical advice and bogus silver linings.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some relatives and I were told of a baby shower for a distant cousin. No formal invitations were sent; we were invited by word of mouth and received a gift registry link by text message. After that, some of us received an invitation via text, while others did not.

No one in the family really knows the couple, who live out of state. They will not even be present at the shower: We are told they are attending “virtually.” When the couple visited our state several months ago, they did not have time to meet any extended family members, nor attend another baby shower in person at that time.

We feel like this shower is just a tacky gift-grab. Do we have to attend? Do we have to send a gift?

GENTLE READER: Why do you even ask?

Miss Manners finds it curious that people who are presumably inured to scams from strangers are intimidated when it comes to social connections, however tenuous.

Why would you want to give presents to people you hardly know, and who have shown no interest in knowing you? Are you afraid that if you ignore their gift demands, they will turn you over to a collection agency?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the appropriate thing to do or say when one’s restaurant order is wrong?

When I had lunch with a group of eight people, the waiter did not write down any of our orders. That was not a good start. He brought me a spicy salad drenched in dressing, when I had asked for the non-spicy salad, dressing on the side. Judging from the looks on my colleagues’ faces, I was not the only one who received the wrong order.

What would have been appropriate to say? I didn’t want to be a whiner. Should I have said, “Oh, dear, I must have gotten someone else’s order. Mine was ...”?

I am certain that writing down the orders would have helped. I simply ate the salad and said nothing.

GENTLE READER: And you are never going back to that restaurant, right?

It is in the interest of restaurants to have dissatisfied customers speak up, so that errors are corrected and they go home happy. In other business transactions, people know that they are entitled to get what they asked for, and not swallow others’ mistakes, so to speak. But they turn all funny and squeamish about restaurants.

However, Miss Manners does not consider this permission to critique the waiter. Perhaps someone in the kitchen was at fault. You should merely state, politely, that you got an incorrect order.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My soon-to-be husband and I are planning our wedding, and are having a disagreement on how to address the invitations. We have agreed to abide by your decision.

He says that because it’s a gay wedding, we don’t have to follow tradition and etiquette.

I say that regardless of whether it’s a gay or straight wedding, our most important role as hosts is to make all of our guests feel welcomed and comfortable, and that includes putting all names on an invitation -- not "John Smith plus one." (Plus-ones are a pet peeve of mine, so I’m not sure if I’m being entirely objective.)

My feeling is that if we’re close enough to invite John to our wedding, and we know he is single, we should call John and ask him if he would prefer to attend the wedding solo and socialize with old (and potentially new) friends, or if there’s anyone special he would like to bring. If it is the latter, we should then address the invitation to them both, so that his date feels welcomed.

GENTLE READER: Seriously? You are contemplating marrying someone who says that manners don’t apply to gay couples? And not just superficial bridal customs -- some of which, Miss Manners acknowledges, have become ridiculous -- but the underlying principle of consideration for others?

At least he is willing to listen to reason. So perhaps there is hope.

The “plus-one” matter is complicated. Established couples must be invited together, but allowing singles to invite their own guests is optional. However, the courtesy of using the names of all prospective guests, rather than treating them as anonymous add-ons, should not be.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I made a serious error when speaking to someone with cancer by referring to people not diagnosed with the disease as “normal” -- as in, “Can normal people get periodically scanned?”

I quickly corrected myself, but I still agonize over it, two weeks later. I don’t know what I was thinking and I’m so embarrassed.

This is a casual acquaintance, and we have loose plans to get together for lunch. How should I address this, if at all?

GENTLE READER: Make those loose plans firm. Then assess the damage at lunch.

If your friend seems chilly or distant, Miss Manners suggests you cautiously bring up the incident and apologize. But if she appears to have forgotten about it, let it go. You will have learned a lesson for next time.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: People often ask if I am an artist. I think it is because of the offbeat way that I dress: no paint spatters, but oversized glasses, angled haircuts, quirky shoes, etc.

It seems like a way of commenting on my appearance, and I think it is meant to be complimentary. But when I simply say “No,” there is an awkward silence that follows. I don’t want to volunteer what my actual profession is; that invites a lot of other questions, and I don’t think they are really interested in my job. I don’t necessarily want to engage in a whole conversation, but I don’t want to come across as rude, either.

What would be a polite and friendly response?

GENTLE READER: Rarely one to seek out offense where none is intended, even Miss Manners wonders why these strangers feel the need to label your appearance. And the awkward pause afterwards is betraying any honorable intentions they may have had.

Miss Manners suggests you let them live in the silence a bit to draw attention to it, followed by, “I just like to wear fun things.” That they do not will only be implied.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a co-worker who is older than me by about 20 years. We both work remotely. While we work together on projects, we report to different bosses.

When I tell her I have finished a task or project, she will respond with “Good girl,” as if I am her pet or child. She does this via email, in instant messages and verbally over the phone. It is infuriating and demeaning.

What would be a suitable response to her? Up to this point, I have just ignored it and moved on, but I really want to say something to make her realize it is awful to say that to a grown woman.

GENTLE READER: “I’m sure you mean it kindly, and I’m delighted that you appreciate my work. But this is my job, and when you say ‘Good girl,’ it makes me feel as though I am doing you a favor. Or that I am a pet instead of a colleague.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)