DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband’s old boss and his wife invited us to join a local yacht club. Ever since we joined, the wife has been bubbling with snippy comments about my grooming and hairstyle, alluding to where I may have purchased my clothing, and making numerous misguided class-oriented statements.
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She seems to have brought me into the club as a target, like a clay pigeon. In their eyes, we were good enough to be nominated and sponsored, but now that we’re in, I’m considered an "improvement project" by these elders.
I have tried to generously assume the differences are generational (80s vs. 50s) or cultural (I’m not alcoholic, but the sponsors are markedly so).
She’s made the club a lot less fun by biting my ankles. My husband insists the chiding will go away in time. I see no end to my sponsor’s backhanded comments, though, and no longer find the scene so charming.
Is there a way to trim my sponsor’s snippy commentary without reminding her that alcohol makes her a poor host?
GENTLE READER: Let’s also avoid telling her that alcoholism is a "cultural difference."
The problem is actually not one of culture or generation -- you have a problem of rank. The husband was your husband’s boss, and they were your sponsors at the club. Both incline you to be not just deferential, but grateful.
Miss Manners does not believe that the wife’s rudeness cancels out past kindnesses, but you are now equals -- as members and adults. You should not feel obliged to spend time with them if it is a burden.