DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a particular gift for a couple celebrating 27 months together?
Advertisement
GENTLE READER: A Gregorian calendar?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there a particular gift for a couple celebrating 27 months together?
Advertisement
GENTLE READER: A Gregorian calendar?
Advertisement
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 10-year-old daughter has a group of four friends that she has been close with for a few years now. We all live in the same community, and the girls attend the same school and do the same extracurriculars. The families of the girls take turns hosting playdates in our homes or at public spaces.
I need your delicate advice, as one girl’s family has never hosted, anytime, anywhere! The daughter happens to be my daughter’s best friend in the group.
I was recently in an unexpected bind and asked her mother if she could watch my daughter for an hour the next day. She gave convoluted recommendations/solutions as to what I could do instead -- no reason or excuse as to why she didn’t want to watch her.
Clearly she was avoiding having my daughter go to their home, making it very obvious that she is not welcome there. This hurt me, but I didn’t argue or express my disappointment. I haven’t had any communication with her since (about three weeks ago).
I don’t want to exclude her daughter from the girls' playdates at my home; however, I don’t want to be perceived as a stooge and my hospitality taken advantage of.
I’m planning to host a playdate for the girls in the near future. How do I politely communicate to this mother that her response to me at my one time of need was hurtful? And that her avoidance of hosting the group is impolite and unfair to the rest of us?
GENTLE READER: Is it possible that this mother had another reason for not wanting to host? Economic concerns, an unkempt house, unpredictable relatives, ferocious animals?
Of course, this does not excuse the fact that she is taking advantage of others’ hospitality without offering her own -- as she could always host at a playground or other public space -- but Miss Manners would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt before continuing to harbor resentment.
Or at least feigning so: “I wonder if you would be able to host the kids next time, if not at your home, then at the park or elsewhere.” If she continues to refuse or deflect, a gentle "Is everything OK?" may be in order, or asking if your own daughter may be misbehaving.
But if none of that works, Miss Manners suggests that you continue to invite your daughter’s best friend over anyway, for your daughter’s sake. Eventually the children will get older and be able to navigate their own socially awkward and complicated plans.
Advertisement
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I loaned a friend my hot pad six months ago. Now I need it. What’s the best way to handle this?
GENTLE READER: Ask for it back. Miss Manners suggests something like, “That hot pad I lent you? I need it back. Please.”
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Advertisement
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any polite way to encourage someone who is recounting an anecdote to you to come to the point a little faster?
I am sure we have all had the experience: “So the shopkeeper, Brian -- was it Brian? Oh, dear, what was his name? Maybe it was Bruce. No, Bob! Yes, yes, that was it. So anyway, I hand Bob my $20 when I went to buy Sarah’s present. Was it Sarah’s? No, it must have been Justin’s, because I remember it was warm outside and Sarah’s birthday is in winter. So I hand Bob my $20 ...”
I am a professional editor, so I often struggle, so far with good results, to resist the urge to edit my friends’ and elderly acquaintances’ storytelling techniques.
That is the correct approach, yes? There is no polite way to urge someone not to get bogged down in irrelevant detail and get to the punchline, is there?
GENTLE READER: There is not, but one can sometimes insulate oneself from the effects -- if you are not squeamish about the comfort of your fellow guests.
Invite others to join your group -- by introducing them, if you are standing, or by saying they might be interested to hear this story, if you are seated nearby.
This will bring the polite impatience of the group to bear on the speaker, as well as providing opportunities to start a side conversation or slip away. Miss Manners recommends a light application of the technique, as it is the social equivalent of pointing out fellow castaways to the hungry bear.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My name is Lucia. It’s a very common Latina name, but I’m not Latina -- my parents just liked the name.
When I use a rideshare service, and the driver is a native Spanish speaker, it’s pretty common that they assume I am, as well, when I get into the car. They'll greet me with “Lucia, si?” or sometimes just “Lucia?” with a Spanish accent.
I actually speak enough Spanish to respond and carry on an intermediate conversation, but it feels a bit awkward to just launch into Spanish in my obviously gringa accent.
I normally just respond, “Yes, thanks!” but I can sometimes feel their palpable disappointment that we are not going to carry on in their native language. Worse, I suspect sometimes they are wondering if I am Latina but refuse to speak my native tongue, which feels a bit rude. What’s the right approach here?
GENTLE READER: Assuming you do not want to change your name for fear of disappointing strangers, Miss Manners will reassure you that answering in the most-frequently-spoken language of the area is not rude -- nor would it be rude to answer in Spanish if so addressed, your accent notwithstanding.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please give me a simple answer to a rambunctious friend who gets caught up in her stories in the middle of a quiet restaurant? I don’t want to dampen the enthusiasm, just lower the volume.
GENTLE READER: Write yourself into the story. It will be hard for your friend to take offense when you look guilty and say, in a loud stage whisper, “You know, I think we’re talking so loudly, people are starting to stare.”
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Advertisement
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have been conflicted about whether to reestablish contact with a former girlfriend from college. I’m now in my late 60s; this was way back. The relationship didn’t last very long, and I regret a lot about how I handled it. (I was a jerk.)
For many years afterward, we were in sporadic touch, but we haven’t seen each other since college. When I sent her some old photos for her 50th birthday, she seemed delighted to hear from me, and for a few weeks we emailed back and forth.
But then, for no reason I could tell, she ghosted me. My best guess is that it was because of bad associations with our past relationship, so I decided to respect her space and not keep trying to get in touch. I do follow her online -- she’s become an accomplished writer -- and her posts make me think that, underneath, she’s much the same person I knew.
Anyway, time is passing and I wonder if I should try getting in contact again. I feel that we shared a lot and wish we had stayed friends. She seems to have had a wonderfully rich and interesting life that I’d love to know more about.
GENTLE READER: The reason newspapers run stories about lost loves who are reunited after a lifetime apart is that it happens so infrequently.
Miss Manners does not say this to question your motive for wanting to reconnect, but to remind you that, whatever you may have read on the internet, it is unlikely you still know this person who, like yourself, has not been 19 for half a century.
If you want to learn more about her rich and interesting life, buy her books. If you want to keep in sporadic touch, send a laudatory email.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: The wedding of the son of a good friend is coming up in a few weeks. I have known about this for months, and my husband and I planned to attend.
A few days ago, our elderly neighbor died. We were close with him and his wife, sharing occasional dinners, impromptu movie nights, and hours spent visiting and talking. His memorial service has just been announced, and of course, it is scheduled to overlap with the wedding.
My friend whose son is getting married has already expressed frustration with others who have RSVP’d "no" to the wedding. My husband and I do not feel that either party would be happy if we split the events (if one of us attended the wedding and one attended the memorial). The memorial is more important than the wedding, and we can still attend the reception afterward.
What is your suggestion? I may be putting my friendship on the line, but how can I not fully support my elderly neighbor in her time of grief?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners would support your both attending the funeral, with appropriate apologies to the bride, the bridegroom and the bridegroom’s mother. Neither the neighbor nor your friend may be happy if you attend one event and your husband the other -- but neither will either party be in a position to voice discontent without sounding heartless.
That the funeral is more important than the wedding need not be mentioned to the bridal family.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Advertisement