DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are there any rules of etiquette for speaking to strangers sitting beside you on a plane? I was on a long flight, surrounded by six people from the same party, but I was never even addressed by any of them.

I was seated in between two gentlemen. Two ladies were seated in the row ahead of us, and two more ladies were in the row behind. The six of them were conversing off and on throughout the flight, but for the entire time, I was treated as if I were not even there.

I sensed that trying to start a conversation with one of them would have resulted in polite rejection. After the flight landed, I could not help but feel a little let down because of all the conversation I had listened to but could not be a part of.

Was this dysfunctional behavior on anyone’s part? Should one of them at least have said “How do you do?” to me?

GENTLE READER: Most people, Miss Manners dares say, would have been grateful to be left out of such conversations -- but not to be talked over, which is the point where your fellow passengers failed to meet the standards of civility.

This inconvenient separation of the gabby party would have provided a natural point of introduction. They could have asked if you were willing to exchange seats so that they could speak without disturbing you. Or you could have offered. This would have given you the opportunity either to agree or to introduce yourself to the group.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a birthday party at a local restaurant; it is a cuisine I’m not terribly fond of, although I can usually find something. I went because the guest of honor is a dear friend. However, I wasn’t planning to eat anything and the restaurant doesn’t have a liquor license, so I chose not to drink.

I finally gave in and ordered an appetizer because several well-meaning friends wouldn’t accept my “Nothing for me, thanks” as an answer. (Don’t get me started on the number of suggestions I received regarding wine and beer.)

What’s ruder: Not eating at a restaurant because it makes others around me uncomfortable, or pushing me to order when I’ve tried to politely decline?

GENTLE READER: The reason Miss Manners does not play the "Which is Ruder?" game is that the prize invariably seems to be the victor using the win to justify a third rudeness -- be it repeating the original offense or rudely correcting the loser’s manners.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have two sons, 17 and 21. I moved about five hours away from where they grew up. My 21-year-old had moved across the country and my 17-year-old decided to stay with his dad.

Well, within two weeks, both of them ended up moving in with me, and my home is very small. My husband and I decided to rent an apartment for them.

Neither one of them have a job, and when I go over to their apartment, they’re lazily lying around a messy house and playing video games. I’m kind of at a loss with what to do. Do you have any suggestions?

GENTLE READER: Board games?

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Five years ago, I left a company where I was a supervisor for several years. I still receive calls (actually, text messages) from former employees every once in a while, requesting letters of recommendation or asking if they can put me down as a reference for a job they are applying for.

Usually, I say yes, as I know it can be difficult finding a job and wanting to move on to a better position. Last year, I ran into a co-worker from my old company at a meeting we were attending. She asked if I could be a reference for her. I said yes. Earlier this year, I got another text from her, again asking if I could be a reference for her, as she is applying at a different company. I said yes again, though no one ever called me.

Now, six months later, I have received another texted request from her as she is once again applying for a position at a different company. I spoke to the HR person at the company and gave her a good reference.

Two days later, I received a call from another company that she didn’t tell me about. After texting her about this, she informed me that she had applied to two other companies and put me down as a reference each time.

Other than the one time I saw her last year, I have not had any contact with this person for at least eight years. Being asked to be her reference has begun to really bother me.

I know nothing about her current work ethic or performance. More important, I am tired of being her go-to reference person. I think the grown-up thing to do would be to say, "I will provide you with a reference for the last two companies, but no more" -- and then to block her number. Am I being inconsiderate?

GENTLE READER: No reasonable person would call you inconsiderate for withdrawing after giving her six references.

Keep this in mind, because we need to work on your tone -- if only in hope that you will get appreciation for the favors already bestowed, instead of recrimination for how it ended.

Suppress your natural frustration in favor of a plain message: You were happy to be her advocate for these several years, but it has now been too long since you worked together; she needs to find a new reference.

Miss Manners is under no illusion that she will accept this the first time it is said. But she intends for you to repeat it as often as necessary -- and with as little variation as possible.

You do not need to say that a reference who is annoyed with you is no reference at all. She will eventually figure that out on her own.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do all the hangers in the closet have to face the same way? My wife says yes, I say no.

GENTLE READER: Etiquette says either is acceptable -- unless, of course, the blouse is asking the skirt a direct question.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I travel for business. There are places in your country where women address all men as “dear” or “sweetie,” and no amount of requesting to stop will break the cultural norm.

Having been fired from one job for addressing a female co-worker as “dear,” I resent women in these places refusing to stop addressing me as such. To them, I am the one in the wrong.

Part of my issue is that my beloved wife of many years has never called me “dear.” She’s the one woman I would like to address me as such, but she thinks it’s a foolish thing to do and won’t.

It bothers me enough that I have told my boss that I won’t travel to those areas of the country anymore. As he is a good boss and I am an excellent employee, he does his best to give me assignments outside the "dear/sweetie" territories. Am I being too sensitive?

GENTLE READER: Small wonder that you are indignant about being expected to endure the same sort of behavior for which you were fired. But Miss Manners would have thought that having been on both sides of this, you would be more understanding.

Presumably you meant nothing predatory when you addressed a co-worker as “dear.” Nor can you suppose that the Southern ladies who call you by endearments are lusting after you.

Therefore, should the use of endearments in impersonal situations be considered innocent? Surely you must have thought so when you got into trouble for it. And yet you are seriously offended by being on the receiving end, to the extent of requiring changes in your professional life. Why?

Because, as you point out in connection with your wife, this is the vocabulary of love. To use it in situations where there is no personal relationship is, if not threatening, at least patronizing.

No doubt you are familiar with the argument that this is just an example of warm Southern manners, not to be taken seriously. The same was said about endearments as a mere expression of innocent masculine appreciation, not to be taken seriously.

But sometimes it was meant seriously. Your co-worker may have thought so.

And that is the difference between your opposite experiences. You encountered an annoyance, but not a danger. Regardless of gender, many people are annoyed by this, as it is commonly used to patronize the old -- and not only in the South.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend who I know from others has recently undergone very disfiguring facial surgery due to cancer. There has also been substantial weight loss.

I have not seen this friend in person yet, but when I do, how should I greet them? It seems rude to mention the obvious surgery and weight loss, but on the other hand, it seems uncaring not to note that something very unpleasant has happened.

What is the polite thing to say?

GENTLE READER: “I am delighted to see you.”

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)