DEAR MISS MANNERS: When someone purchases a raffle ticket for a worthy cause and wins the grand prize (say, $10,000), is it proper or expected that they donate a portion of it back to the charity? And if so, what percentage, please?

GENTLE READER: Secular society is strangely fond of tithing, but: no. The things one receives for donating to a cause -- hats, mugs, tote bags and, Miss Manners will now add, raffle prize money -- are given as thanks for your generous donations. And one does not give gifts for thank-yous sent to acknowledge gifts.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to write thank-you letters. Not just thank-you letters, actually, but "letters of appreciation." I absorbed the message that a gift, no matter how ineptly chosen or inappropriate, was a little piece of the giver's heart; it represented a sacrifice of time, money, thought, consideration and effort, and must be treated with respect and appreciation. These were to be expressed in simple, genuine words in the thank-you letter.

I live in a tiny studio apartment that did not come equipped with all the things one normally considers standard equipment. Because of a lack of workspace and storage, I quickly adapted my lifestyle to do without certain built-in appliances that most people use several times per week. I'm content with how things are, and I can afford to buy anything I really feel is lacking.

The problem is that some very kind friends have given me a freestanding version of one of the "missing" appliances, and it is completely impractical for me to set up and use it. I had mentioned that my place lacked certain standard equipment, but had not complained of it being a problem.

I thanked my friends for their generosity, thoughtfulness and kindness. I spoke in general terms about the value of such an item in making a home more convenient, etc. But the item itself remains in its box, taking up already-minimal floor space and generating muttered imprecations when I have to shove it out of the way to get at things I need.

Another friend told me, "Just sell it." But I can't. I would not wound these dear, loving, generous-hearted friends for anything. Yet I cannot think of any way of resolving the problem of a gift I cannot use, cannot easily store away, and cannot throw back in my friends' faces by regifting, selling or donating it. I don't know anyone who could use it.

Do you have any advice?

GENTLE READER: Your letter of thanks accomplished one other thing: It discharged your duty to demonstrate gratitude. Miss Manners does not say this to admonish you for continuing to feel gratitude, only to remind you that your obligation is limited.

Better to sell, donate, discard or regift this unwelcome appliance than to start thinking of your friends as the miscreants who cause you to stub your toe thrice daily.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I hosted an open house-style party. We offered a buffet with a variety of hors d'oeuvres, plus white and red wines. Before the party, we set up numerous small tables around our living room to ensure that guests would have a place to set their plates and wineglasses.

On all these little tables, plus on the coffee table, I set out numerous coasters to protect the furniture finish. The coasters were generously sized, easy to use and, I thought, quite obvious.

Our guests were mostly from my husband's chess club. Much as I enjoy my husband's friends, not a single one of them made use of the coasters I had set out. They almost seemed to be trying to AVOID using the coasters.

My husband also ignored (or avoided) the coaster near his own seat, so he wasn't very helpful in setting an example.

All the guests seemed to be having a good time, which allowed me to sneak around putting wineglasses on coasters while the guests were distracted by conversation, wine and good food. Not ideal, plus this strategy required a lot of monitoring and repetition.

Next time, I will ask my husband to please try to set a better example for his friends, but assuming the disregard of coasters persists, is there any polite way to get our guests to use them?

GENTLE READER: The goal of a good hostess is to make guests feel welcome, which is hard to do while implicitly suggesting they are ruining your furniture.

Hard, but not impossible. You will be circulating to attend to your guests' needs anyway, so insert the coaster when asking if they would like a refill.

But Miss Manners wonders if there is not a way to avoid the problem entirely, as you are in control of the furnishings (if not your husband). Would it not be possible to relocate the coffee table for the length of the party and cover the temporary tables?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it considered tacky to give an acquaintance a handmade gift?

My daughter and I are both crafters, and we gave a hand-thrown mug and a quilted "mug rug" to a mutual acquaintance whose business we both patronize.

We assumed she would use the items. But the next time I went into her store, our gifts were on a shelf, available for sale.

Am I off-base to think this was an insult? It seems wrong to accept a gift and then be so obvious about getting rid of it. Or were we in the wrong for assuming a person would like handcrafted items?

GENTLE READER: Handmade gifts are more thoughtful than store-bought ones, but that is not the question you should be asking, as no well-intentioned gift would justify an insulting response.

Should you take offense? Miss Manners is inclined to think not -- that the insult was accidental rather than intentional. But she would think twice before bestowing presents on this entrepreneur again.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Several times when I have invited and offered to treat someone at a restaurant, my guest has added a to-go order.

For instance, mid-celebration, a birthday celebrant received a whiny hungry call from her husband, and zap, my bill increased by $100. On another occasion, a client ordered a to-go dessert and made a faint gesture to pay -- no reaching for his wallet or asking the waiter for separate checks. Of course I ate the bill. Another was a relative, and a known moocher. I should have been prepared for that one.

It's hard to go from being generous to a hard stop. Do I just stop inviting anyone to restaurants? Is there a witty thing to say that doesn't come off as me being a tightwad?

GENTLE READER: The first time Miss Manners heard about someone doing such a thing, she was astonished. Would anyone really have the gumption to con a generous friend like that?

Well, yes. She has now received a number of such letters reporting this petty crime -- several people have done this to you, personally -- and in each case, the host is embarrassed into sponsoring the fraud.

Well, don't be. The thing to say when it happens is, "I believe this part of the order is yours. How do you want to pay for it?"

DEAR MISS MANNERS: A close friend texted to see if my husband and I were available on a certain Saturday, three months out, to celebrate her husband's milestone birthday. She's thinking of having a dinner at a downtown restaurant for about five couples. (We've done similar events for other milestone birthdays.)

My husband and I disagree on the etiquette of how long we have to let her know if we are free. What's appropriate?

GENTLE READER: To text her right back, of course. Were you planning to wait to see how you feel the day of the dinner?

But perhaps you are confusing this with the save-the-date notification, which applies to events at least six months later and does not require a commitment.

Three months may be borderline, however. If you can truthfully say, "We're planning a trip around that time, but don't know the exact dates," Miss Manners will allow you to do so, provided you also tell your friend when you expect to be able to give her an answer.

And rest assured that if there is a death in the family, or you are invited to the White House for dinner that night, you may cancel.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My son had a lavish wedding six months ago. Since then, despite taking several vacations, the newlyweds have not written any thank-you notes.

I have reminded my son that people were very generous, and that his reputation is on the line. He agreed, but still nothing. I am mortified.

At this point, do I write to the friends and relatives who were included on our behalf to thank them for their attendance?

GENTLE READER: At least you chastised your son, and not your daughter-in-law. Miss Manners thanks you for that.

You presumably taught him better, but unfortunately, child-rearing doesn't always take. And it never will if you let him avoid the consequences by doing his duty for him.

(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)